Well, something I would have never predicted but nonetheless, it happened this past Sunday...D-
day. After 20 years of being together, my wife has finally admitted to an affair. Words can not express my feeling after hearing this - I'm torn to pieces and am just seeking an escape at this moment - looking for anything to ease the pain because it really hurts! I've felt pain before but not like this and it's not going away fast enough! I just can't bear the mix bag of emotions at this point.
Just to fill in the gaps here...she was working for a home renovation company and was always
close with one of her co-workers whom she insisted was a friend. I never paid close attention to this and accepted her word. However, everytime I was away on business he would call her and they would talk for a very long time. I confronted her about this and she mentions that he has a lot of problems and relies on her for answers and as a sounding board and nothing more. It seemed that this was the biggest arguments we would have at the time and with each instance, I felt I was only pushing her away. Not wanting her to resent me, I did bring it up but more casually and
eventually the calls seized. In 2011, on a weekend getaway together, her phone would not stop alerting on instant message (BBM) from this friend telling her he loves her. She was in the
shower at this time but I happened to see this and subsequently confronted her. She denied
anything was happening between them. I took the phone and responded to him pretending I was her
just to see what he would say in return - he went on about loving and caring for her but didn't get too specific and offered nothing else. I was so irate - I asked her to come clean and she said he was just drunk and they were only friends. I brought up all the other times he has called and even asked her what she really wanted here and she insisted her marriage. We agreed to have her email a letter to him telling him to stop communicating with her and she did; in this letter, she also made him aware that I saw the BBM and was copied on the email. When asked, she swears to have never heard back from him since, but in my gut I still suspected something was going on. In 2012, I found an unknown baseball cap in her closet - after asking her about it, she mentioned this indeed this friend but it was given to her long ago when she and him worked together and he gave it to her to wear because it was raining and she did not have an umbrella. I probed, and probed and she stood by this reason. Not trusting her fully, I since started to screen her personal emails and personal mobile. Everytime I checked, everything came up clean and while this provided some reassurance, I was still not 100% convinced.
Last Thursday, when she was working from home, curiosity got the better of me and I had a chance to take a peek at her work email only to discover a bunch of emails to/from him with the most recent dated back in April 2013 stating she wanted to end their "friends with benefits" relationship. My heart dropped! I took a deep breath and then confronted her about this and she admitted to seeing him but mentioned they only kissed and nothing else. I asked her for a full confession and she said that was it and she was being 100% honest. She also agreed that she wanted to end their friendship and that's why she sent the email to him and she agreed that she was going to block his contact information from her work phone and work email. I stewed with this back and forth for 3 days, and on Sunday night (Super Bowl night), I asked for her work laptop to help block his emails. After a bit of searching, I found other suspicious email dating back in 2011 after the BBM incident. I immediatedly asked her to explain - she then dropped the bomb - she was sleeping with him from 2009 - 2012. My heart sank and as you can imagine, I became enraged, devastated, heartbroken, humiliated and the list of all negative emotions went on. I started
probing for answers and the truth. I probed into every detail of the affair, from their sexual encounters - what she did and what he did, to the emotional betrayal. I asked why she didn't come out and say it when I asked her on Thursday and even umteen times before - she mentioned she didn't know how to say this to me and she was scared. I contacted her mother and brother and asked them to come over to our place, and asked her to tell them - they were in as much shock as I was. In front of them, she broke down and admitted to everything. They were in total disbelief! They grilled her and asked what she really wants at this point - she mentioned she wants her marriage to work and is done with the OM - and stated that is the reason why she sent that email to him in the first place. Devastated and not knowing how to deal with the pain, I looked online for any help I could get and thankfully discovered this forum. After reading a few postings, I read about the NC letter for the first time. After learing about the NC, in one of my teary eyed interrogation sessions with her, I asked her to research this so she understands what it's about - she did. After learning about it, she agreed to write one and she did. I asked her to include all details and she did. I asked her to not leave anything out and she did. I asked her to ensure she understands what she is saying and that she means every word of it and she admits she does. I asked her what's the difference between this one and the one back in 2011, and she mentions the difference is she didn't know how to address the situation with me back then, so it just went on but this time, she is over the OM and this time she means it. She went as far as to say she'll do anything to regain my trust and to show me she means it. We will be sending the NC, certified mail to the OM in the next day or two. To reassure me, since she has exclusively used her work phone and email for communication with the OM, she has contacted her local IT support to ensure that all phone calls and emails from the OM is blocked and she also agreed to not reach out to him.
She has never seen me break down and cry in 20 years of being together until the last 6 days. We have no kids and D is certainly an option, but I'm not at a stage where I can not easily give up on 20 years of being together, let alone regain all that we built together. During my
interrogating session on Sunday night after she came clean, she swears that he used protection
each time and after I drilled her for all the details, she is 100% sure that he used protection. We have also both had annual blood work since their last encounter as part of our physical check up and it has come back clean. All her tests from her gyn in the last year has also come back the same.
I'm not sure what to think at this moment, and tbh, the pain is truly unbearable. I just don't
know how to cope at this point - during the last 20 years, I gave everything I have to her and
now I am completely drained and without strenth. I have barely slept and eaten in the last 6 days and am soooo consumed with feelings of betrayal and devastation; again the pain is
unbearable. I can't even focus at work - I left my office early the last 3 days just to come
home to a dark room and cry myself silly. She hears me crying each time and comes and hugs me
and tells me she is sorry, but somehow, it just doesn't make me feel any better. I don't push
her away but I don't embrace her either. I miss my life partner and want to feel the way I did
before finding out. I don't regret finding out as after all these years of suspicion, the cat's
finally out the bag and I am a bit relieved tbh. I can never forgive her but at the same time, I can't see my life without her either.
Any advise on how to cope? To move forward? To deal with this situation? Advise on the NC? Thoughts on possibilities for R?