I am so very sorry for your pain. How absolutely awful. You sound very rational for being so close to having discovered all this...
If you haven't seen it yet, please check out the "Healing Library" at the upper left. So much good information there.
I am glad you found SI right away. Wish I had. You will find amazing support and insights here. You are on the first downswing of what will be the craziest emotional rollercoaster. I am so sorry you are here, but glad you found us.
Please be good to yourself. You need to care for yourself first, so that you can then take care of your kids. Try to stay hydrated, eat if you can, get some exercise (it is the BEST stress reliever), and try to sleep -- use OTC aids or something stronger from your doc, if needed.
This is all so fresh and painful. We all know how badly it hurts. Please keep posting. You will find lots of wise folks here and lots of people ready to help you in any way they can.
So very sorry for your pain.....
Peace and strength, atkkcc. So sorry to see you here and in this position.
Since he is talking about D, and has no remorse or integrity obviously!, consult with a lawyer or several so you know your rights and can take the best steps to protect the interests of you and your children.
If your H is not trying with you, is not remorseful or says he wants out of your marriage, it is not possible.
Gather your wagons, and get in self protection mode (you and your kids). See a lawyer and know your rights and your options. It is good that you have seen your doctor for testing. I truly hope your next results come back negative. Prepare yourself for the worst.
Also, prepare for more information that will continue to shake up what you believed to be your marriage. Yes, much of it was an illusion. It is heartbreaking, but it is and we can't change that. Your kids are real. They always were. and you were and are real too.
It has taken me over two years to accept that much of my marriage was a sham. I just couldn't believe that and didn't want to. It was. And accepting that actually feels better than not believing that this could be happening.
Yes, it is a new kind of hell, but you will get through this. You have to for your family.
They need you to be strong for them. Put your mother bear persona on. And don't take anymore shit.
We are here for you. We will listen, advise, try to comfort and never minimize your pain. We feel it and we know it.
But we also know that it will pass and out of this will emerge a stronger you.
I am also so very sorry that you are here.
Time will tell whether your WH is is some kind of fog or if he really feels that way about you and your M together..
Life without your WH can and will be good if you decide to take that path..
60 years young..
I should mention that I am a Sahm we are completely dependent on his income. Last night was his first night away from home. I have no idea what to tell the children. Any suggestions? I don't feel like I should have to take any of the blame for what he did. I want to tell the kids that daddy broke the rules and our vows that he promised mommy when we got married so he has to live somewhere else for now. He thinks we should keep it neutral. I didn't want this he did.
I'm still in shock. How do you marry someone and tell them you love the and have four kids with them all the while lying and cheating. He said that I've and emasculated and put him down our entire marriage. He slept with the first one while we were engaged. Why did he marry me. Ugh!
He is still set on getting a divorce ASAP. I'm sure he is still lying and keeping something from me. I go from wanting to never be with him again to thinking we owe it to our kids to try and work it out and we owe it to ourselves to try and have a real marriage, not one based on lies. He says he has no interest in working on things. He said he lefts emotionally years ago.
I'm not sure that I will be able to stay married to him but I want him to want to try.
Listen. Your WH has essentially fired you as his wife. Your instinct that there is far more to come is almost certainly very correct. I have a feeling that your WH is sitting on a lot more secrets, lies, and betrayals. And right now, he doesn't have any remorse about any of it. He just wants what he wants when he wants it.
You are going to have to be Very Strong right now, at a point when you feel your weakest. But if you don't get mad and start channeling your protective Mother Bear persona, you and your children are going to be screwed over again and again by your WH.
Use this weekend to research at least 3 good kick-ass divorce lawyers. Make copies of every financial document you have, and lock them all away in a safety deposit box or give them to one of YOUR friends who will not release them to anyone but you. You need to do this ASAP before those documents disappear. At least the last three years of your income tax returns as well. Monday morning, make appointments and go see those lawyers, with your documents, and settle on one of them. File for divorce or a legal separation immediately, asking for child support, spousal support, and physical/legal custody of your children as their primary caregiver. Also for sole use of the house. Do this quickly. This will accomplish the following:
1. Get him out of the house legally (change the locks) and make it your safe place.
2. Keep him from taking the children god-knows-where. He has that right at this point. Even out of the country.
3. Keeps him from spending all of YOUR marital funds on his whoring around. 1/2 of that money is YOURS. Don't let him finance his infidelity on the backs of you and your children.
4. Sends a very clear message about what the rest of his life is going to look like. You cannot nice an unrepentant WH back. You have to go blow their socks off and blow their head right out of their back passages and get their attention.
But, you may say. I don't want to make him angry. I don't want to drive him away. I don't WANT a divorce. Believe me, I so hear you. I really do. It is absolutely unfair to you, that at your lowest point, you have to be so strong and focused. There is nothing fair about this.
Please consider. He's already angry. He is telling you that he hates you, that you are a mistake, by extension that his children are a mistake, and that he thinks so little of you that he has been whoring around for your entire marriage. That's not love. He's already gone, if not physically, then mentally and emotionally. He's left you in the dust. He's planning on a divorce to get rid of you so he can go live his life as a single man. He is not only out the door, but over the hill. You need to strike first and by doing so, make him respond to your demands, rather than dance to his tune.
I truly cannot tell you how very sorry I am. Let me reiterate, this is completely and totally unfair to you. Unfortunately, though, this is the way it is and you cannot hide from it. Please come back here often for help, support, and to vent. We are all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I am a paralegal, and you got great great advice on the legal aspect. Knowledge is POWER. You need that and it will empower you. So see someone immediately on Monday. Actually, the attorneys I work for see people on the weekends. See what you can do on Saturday.
This is my own personal opinion and will let others weigh in.
[This message edited by huskers at 2:02 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]
I know that sounds mean and heartless. But, that is the only shot you have at saving your M if you even want to. You probably think it's backwards, I did too, and I was wrong.
Hang in there.
Really he wants to come home to work on separating. We are already separated. I'm so confused. Yes you miss the kids but this is reality of what being separated is.
Atkkcc, I think that you have answered your own question.^^^
So let me get this straight, this mess has been boiling over since the past summer...
WH tells me he never should of married me, our vows don't matter, he is empty inside. I was blown away. I thought we had a great marriage. Then he started telling me how he hates me and feels so much anger at me.
Why should you try to help him out in any manner?!? Don't let him wipe his feet on your head, your not a doormat.
A loyal,loving wife has great value. Don't forget that.
And just 3 days ago he has said what he was really up to...
He has been going In chat rooms for hook ups since before we were married until last weekend. He has been blaming me for his feeling about me all summer and is now blaming me for his sleeping with whores. So basically our entire marriage has been a lie.
The only person that you can control is yourself, those were his poor choices. How backwards to blame you for him dicking around with whores! Yeah, and the dog ate my homework...Pathetic.
This man is soooo broken. I just wanted you to see this clearly. I see that you said that he was good with the kids. But what kind of 'good daddy' hooks up with local sluts?
HE is BROKEN.
Now he wants to take the kids out by himself...That would be a big fat NO. This guy is unstable, no telling what he would do. And he wants a divorce, pronto...He is desperation mode. He has got to do a whole lotta swimming upstream to get to be with your beautiful innocent kids. Please protect them from him and his sickness.
It's. Too. Soon.
Here is another question you answered for yourself...
I want to tell the kids that daddy broke the rules and our vows that he promised mommy when we got married so he has to live somewhere else for now.
I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. Being blindsighted is never fun. But you sound strong. Protect your kids, and please protect your heart. You deserve so much more out of life.
(((((Atkkcc and kiddos)))))
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
The reason I am telling you is that this is way too soon. Just think of it in hours, not days, that he told you the things he did. The hamburger in his stomach hasn't even had time to digest and now he wants to come home and misses the kids? No way. He made this nightmare of a situation, you did not. As long as he's still putting his check in your account and you are able to pay bills, bide your time. If he stops that, which mine is threatening to do, then you will have to file for divorce/separation to get an order of support.