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Do I need to know details?

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alleyk posted 2/7/2014 00:05 AM

How much information should I know? I know that's a broad question, but I know now that there were multiple women during the time I was in another town for work. He more or less admitted that. But, details, he will not give. Do I need to know the exactly number of women and all of the times he cheated? Because now that I have more access to his stuff, I'm finding more and more questionable material from years ago, during times I thought everything was a-ok.

On one hand I don't really want to know... what I know already haunts me. And he's admitted. Do I wipe the slate clean from here on out, and only R with the stipulation that another affair and I'm out?

Jrazz posted 2/7/2014 00:27 AM

This is a pretty multifaceted issue... the spilling of details.

Are you asking how much you HAVE to know to be able to move on? I mean, he should tell you everything you ask for. He should give you every detail you request.

There are those who say they wish they could unlearn some of the details... that they feel haunted. I'll admit, the mind movies from details drove me batty for the first year. The thing is, the fact that my FWH was willing to tell me things that he felt humiliated and ashamed about meant that we could build trust again.

It's not up to him, it's up to you. You should have answers to every single one of your questions. He's not protecting you by withholding information, he's covering his ass. Wipe the slate clean when you have heard enough, not when you give up asking him because he won't be forthcoming.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:27 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

alleyk posted 2/7/2014 00:37 AM


In the process of discovering and having this conversation, I've asked him to tell me everything. I sit and wait for him to tell me. But he doesn't go into sordid details, but generalizations.

But, considering that I feeling completely duped and lied to, I guess I am waiting for full disclosure. At the same time, I don't think I need to know every single tiny detail, that it *will* haunt me, as the things I know already do.

But on the other hand it makes me feel like there is so much more information that is being kept from me, and when I find questionable pictures or emails, I'm left wondering - is this another one? Or is it a harmless friend? I can't tell up from down right now, and I'm fearful of R and moving forward when I don't think I can discern friendships from affairs...

UneasyFeelings posted 2/7/2014 03:09 AM

I'm in that situation right now, and for me, the not knowing is haunting me. My mind goes crazy thinking what else is going on, bc I feel she's holding something back.

I told her to tell me everything, details of what they talked about, when, where, how, your thought process. How you felt.

But for a few answers, I get the I don't know, I don't remember response. I feel those are BS responses and she's hiding something that. I doubted my gut once, I'm not going to doubt it again.

Here's what I've done.

I created my own timline from what she told me.

I go back and read over it. I can now visually see there's little discrepancy here and there about what she claimed to have happen, but she'll tell me something different on a different day. Sort of trickle truth if you will.

Ultimately, I'm afraid, she wants me back, because she doesn't want to hurt me. Not bc she loves me. And she wants to be comfortable and "safe".

KatieG posted 2/7/2014 03:18 AM

Knowing the details helped me understand the kind of relationship they had. In the beginning the story he told me was like she had jumped on him and he was trying to fight her off. Even when he told me everything it was about the timing, being in love, walks in the park, a few sex acts. But I still needed to know what went on between them.

Then I read the emails and built a true picture and more detailed timeline. I could use this information in other conversations to test consistency. It all fitted together which really helped me. So knowing stuff he doesn't know you know will test his story.

I didn't expect him to tell me word for word what went on, I couldn't do that either. But having the timing and emails filled in the gaps.

It depends how you feel, you can't unsee this stuff and its in your head forever. Also, over time his memory of the A changes according to how he is feeling, when I re-read the emails it transports me back there but I know he's not there anymore it was a snapshot in time.

So the work is really determining how he got there in the first place, whey he made those decisions and then moving forward, how you are going to rebuild your relationship and the trust.

Unagie posted 2/7/2014 04:31 AM

I wanted to share details. I admit I am guilty of TT and am ashamed of it. Once I realized I was being a fool every time I remembered something I would tell him, not just about the A, any lie big or small I could remember was blurted out. My IC told me to stop because I was not helping by bringing it up. Eventually he told me to stop, he didn't want to know anymore details, I'd done what I did and more details would not change it or how he felt. I told him if he ever needed to know more to please ask, in the mean time I work through each memory solo. I doubt he will ever ask for more details, he's started asking a couple times then says no and walks away saying he knows better.

I want more details on the other hand but will never get them and will have to come to terms with that. I think it all depends on who you are.

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