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how much does one need to put up with in a relationship?

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betterlife posted 2/7/2014 01:45 AM

I rekindled my relationship with WH less than a year ago.

Why?
-#1 reason is I didnt like anyone I was meeting in the dating scene. I went out on a few dates through Match. I ended up falling for a complete freak. On paper, he was perfect, highly successful, driven, fit guy. We dated 6 months before I found out about his 'other family'. I felt like such a fool for falling for him.

-I liked 'us' before his A in 2008. It took me a long time to heal (4 years), but really do we ever heal when WH is still in the picture? (Now, I would say no, not at all. We argued still, and the A always came up, by me.)

-I had figured that all relationships have ups and downs, and the A in 2008 was 'our' down. But, I always had in the back of my mind, that why must I have to settle? Why must have to be hurt and then expect to forgive and forget? There was always a voice in the back of my head saying to break this off.

-He treated me well ie dinners, vacations, etc. But isn't a relationship more than being showered with gifts?

-I felt indebted to him. We were together for 5 years before the A, and we traveled the world. So I ask, should anyone have to feel indebted to anyone? I was extremely loyal in our relationship before and after the A, but the pain of the A always lingered.


[This message edited by betterlife at 1:47 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

Amazonia posted 2/7/2014 04:07 AM

how much does one need to put up with in a relationship?

Everything you listed is your reasons for choosing to get back into the relationship "less than a year ago."

How is he treating you now? It's a new relationship, even if it's with someone from your past. I think you need to base your decision of whether to stay or not on how he is treating you now.

risingfromashes posted 2/7/2014 06:14 AM

This is a question only you can answer. I know that when I decide to be in a relationship again while I might not like everything about him (who is perfect?)I will never "put up" with anything again.

cmego posted 2/7/2014 07:00 AM

I'm with the others, I will not "put up" with anything. No one is perfect, granted, there are going to be behavior that annoys you…so maybe it depends on what you feel that you are "putting up with".

Not communicating with me? NOPE
Don't feel like I can trust him? NOPE
Doesn't treat me right? NOPE

Leaves his shoes in the hallway? sure.

NaiveAgain posted 2/7/2014 20:11 PM

Has he worked on the issues that caused him to have the A? I am reconciling with my SO who had 2 brief EA's because he is working hard at dealing with his FOO issues and the character traits that led him down that path.

How does he treat you now? How is the communication? Can you talk about what happened before that didn't work out and how you two can make sure that doesn't happen again?

I will put up with mistakes and imperfection if the guy is worth it to me. That means, if I am getting my basic relationship needs met (and they can be different for different people), then I will work with my guy on most problems unless they are a dealbreaker.

betterlife posted 2/8/2014 02:19 AM

Thank you for the replies.

How do I feel now?
I have one foot out the door because I am having to deal with his constant depression.

He's been very depressed because he hasn't been working the last 5 years. I've tried to be a positive support, to prop him up. But, that gets tiring, especially after 5 years. How much longer am I supposed to prop him up? I'm not the type to let situations get the better of me, like he has. I would be handing his situation alot differently. I would have gotten out there, maybe tried something a little different, much like his peers have.

After 5 years, his depression is sucking me dry. With that said, he has always been unhappy with himself, his place in this world, which was always in comparison to his peers.

I stood by my man, mainly because I truly cared about him and I thought I was helping him. But, in a way, I think he has become very complacent and is not working towards anything greater than himself. This is a stark difference between the two of us.

How does he treat me now?
He blows up and starts screaming. When that happens I want to be as far away as possible. He was not like that before, so I figure it is related to the job-sitch.

Does he communicate with me?
Not. At. All.
He is an island and keeps most things to himself.

I dont want to be in a relationship like that. And I see it getting worse if he doesnt work on himself.

I'm experiencing anxiety from all of this. I dont want to be around him, but I feel guilty for not being there for him.

[This message edited by betterlife at 2:37 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Amazonia posted 2/8/2014 05:22 AM

Have you ever read anything about codependence?

People are responsible for themselves. He isn't your responsibility, he is his own responsibility. I wouldn't stay, given what you've said here. You deserve better - a LOT better.

Wouldn't you rather be alone than wish you were?

cmego posted 2/8/2014 07:13 AM

I dont want to be around him, but I feel guilty for not being there for him.

This ^^^ is what co-dependence looks like. You feel like you want to help "save" him, and that will never work in a healthy relationship. HE is responsible for his own happiness. It IS hard to learn, because there is a fine line between being supportive of someone in a difficult place and falling into co-dependency. I think when the other person is making no effort to change/help themselves and you start feeling guilty…the relationship has become unbalanced.

What is he doing to support you? What is he doing to help himself?

NaiveAgain posted 2/8/2014 07:54 AM

I'm experiencing anxiety from all of this. I dont want to be around him, but I feel guilty for not being there for him.
Ok. He is making you sick. Guilt is a terrible reason to stay with someone. I would NOT want someone staying with me out of guilt.

You are showing some codependence with him. He isn't your responsibility. He is a grown up. His life path is his own to choose. You can't fix him. And it isn't your job to fix him.

And let's look at your reasons for getting back with him.
1.

reason is I didnt like anyone I was meeting in the dating scene.
So you are willing to "settle" because you haven't found anyone else?

2.

-I liked 'us' before his A in 2008. It took me a long time to heal (4 years), but really do we ever heal when WH is still in the picture?
Yes, we do heal. We come to terms with and come to some understanding of what happened, and we realize it is one of life's traumas (which everyone is exposed to) and we move forward.

3.

I always had in the back of my mind, that why must I have to settle? Why must have to be hurt and then expect to forgive and forget? There was always a voice in the back of my head saying to break this off.
Start listening to that "little voice in your head" Those little voices almost always know what is best for us. And you do not have to settle.

4.

But isn't a relationship more than being showered with gifts?
You can't buy love and affection.

5. -

I felt indebted to him. We were together for 5 years before the A, and we traveled the world. So I ask, should anyone have to feel indebted to anyone?
Well, you paid your debt (if you feel you had one towards him but I don't really feel that is how relationships work). He broke any terms of payment and debt when he cheated, and then treated you badly.

How does he treat me now?
He blows up and starts screaming. When that happens I want to be as far away as possible.
No one deserves that.

Does he communicate with me?
Not. At. All.
He is an island and keeps most things to himself.
You've listed so much negatives and you have even said you don't really want to be with him. It kind of seems like you are staying out of a misplaced guilt or sense of loyalty. You don't need our permission to drop him but if you want our perspective, I don't think you are going to find many people who think staying with someone who treats you this way is a good idea. Why can't you give YOURSELF the permission to move on and be done with this?

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