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3 Year Update

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Ladyogilvy posted 2/7/2014 02:10 AM

I should start by saying this is the 3 year update of someone whose husband threw his wife and family under the bus and protected the identity of his girlfriend. To this day, he has never come clean. He admits to an A. He admits to buying OW $2,000 earrings. That's it. He told so many lies, I can't keep them all straight. He denies the reality that the actual facts lead to. I mean, the evidence I have regarding who she was, everyone I talk to agrees it's conclusive. Phone records, the way dates line up, the fact that she looks a lot like me when he and I started dating. I suspect it went on a lot longer than I originally believed, that it started before a 6 week family trip to Europe. The first week of that trip, I was ready for divorce because he was such an ass to me.

WH is a different person now. He's been sober a year and a half... After a year and a half of trying to quit drinking. But he still has the emotional IQ of a mushroom. He no longer gets angry when I trigger but he isn't supportive either. He just waits for me to "get over it." He does show remorse, though it took a year for him to even begin to start showing remorse. He apologizes almost daily if... I cuddle with him when he does it. But if I'm triggering and don't want to cuddle, forget it. The apology is part of a ritual that came about through MC. He was supposed to compliment me daily. It sort of evolved into a script about how lucky he is I gave him another chance. It seems to be the best he can do and he gets complacent about even that. He's totally complacent about the other instructions from MC.

I've been very triggered this week. He was away at trial when I heard the term "thrown under the bus." And it all came flooding back. He barely touched base with me while he was away. As I write this, I can see how hopeless this all sounds. Our counselor talks about what a success we are but that's not how I feel right now.

Valentine's day is coming up and we have no track record of successfully dating each other. We've barely gone out because it is so stressful. He's going out to dinner with a friend tomorrow night. I find it ironic that he can date his friend but not his wife. He never invites me to dinner. He never brings flowers, he never does anything he hasn't been given specific instructions to do regarding our relationship. That's not totally true. In the mornings, he often brings me something to eat if I ask for it so I don't have to leave the warm bed for a little longer. Nothing more complicated than oatmeal or buttered toast. I dislike cold so I appreciate it. Though, he's become more complacent about that as well.

When he does his ritual script, when I'm feeling comfortable enough to cuddle with him, he says he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. I want to know how. He says he doesn't know, or even know if it's possible. Neither do I. It's not that we don't usually get along or that the sex isn't good when we are getting along. It's that the triggers are there every day, and if I don't see him making an effort, I start feeling really resentful. I start thinking about all the lies and secrets, all the things he did to traumatized me. I can't forgive when I don't even know what I'm forgiving. I can't even accept.

This all sounds so depressing and it doesn't reflect the progress that has been made. Even he admits he was the biggest asshole in the world. He had a long way to go to even be worth the air he breathed. He's no longer a complete waste of air. How's that for glowing praise?

Obviously, I'm not in the best of moods. It probably doesn't help that I've been fighting a virus for the last couple of weeks. The sore throat has interfered with my voice classes. The fatigue has interfered with my yoga classes. I'm overwhelmed with all the things I should be getting done that are taking a back seat to what I have to get done. I have to get my boys to their college classes. They are only high school aged but they have college classes 4 days a week, from as early as 8am to as late as 10pm between the two of them. On the 5th day, I take one son to private music lessons. One day on the weekend, I take my other son to an art class. So, I'm run down, overwhelmed and triggering all at once. Probably not a great time to assess my marriage.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 9:44 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

Alex CR posted 2/7/2014 06:21 AM

(((Ladyolgilvy))) sorry you are feeling badly....being ill never sweetens our view of the world, but it sounds like there are needs not being met.

Have you gone to IC for you? Figuring out what you want and then defining it for your H might help.....We read Five Love Languages and it opened both our eyes even after all our years together. Don't know your H so I don't know if he would take some initiative after you both read it, but it might help.

It also sounds like you don't have time to take a breath....and illness is sometimes our bodies way of making us slow down. Gently here.... you have to make time for yourself and take good care of your physical and emotional well's hard to care for others needs when you've depleted your own tank.

Hope you feel better soon.........

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