SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Disastergirl posted 2/7/2014 05:25 AM

So after a massive fuck up late last year I meet someone else fairly innocently and we swap email. Since then we have had a pretty explicit online exchange although have never met again in person. I am pretty sure my marriage is over although my h won't really talk about it even when I try. I am now in a situation where I am addicted to this online thing (whatever it is). The other person is attached and sometimes doesn't get in touch for days on end - this makes me anxious and I am constantly distracted by wanting him to get in touch with me. I'm not sure why I am so addicted to this - it makes me feel wanted (ridiculous I know) where my h has no feelings outside of mild friendship for me. I have to reiterate that nothing has happened with the online thing although I know I'm kidding myself if I tell myself it's ok. I don't how how to get myself out of this cycle. I feel depressed and hopeless. I don't think my h cares at all. Any advice would be welcome.

Deeply Scared posted 2/7/2014 07:03 AM

Disastergirl...

Why do you think your H doesn't care? Does he even know about this latest affair?

What are you going to do to end it?

Disastergirl posted 2/7/2014 07:05 AM

No h doesn't know about any of it.

Deeply Scared posted 2/7/2014 07:35 AM

Your H needs to know about this, you say he doesn't care...well, how could he? He's in the dark about what you're doing.

How do you plan on ending things with the OM?

Disastergirl posted 2/7/2014 08:29 AM

I'm not going to tell h. What would I even say? It's sounds ridiculous. Reason I think he doesn't care is that he had told me he doesn't see me in a 'romantic' way and he doesn't go near me.

painfulpast posted 2/7/2014 13:09 PM

I have to reiterate that nothing has happened with the online thing although I know I'm kidding myself if I tell myself it's ok.

An emotional affair is not 'nothing', so you may want to rethink your belief that nothing has happened.

Disastergirl posted 2/7/2014 13:38 PM

Painful past - I would have thought that by me saying I am not kidding myself it is ok that it was understood That I dont believe the situation is 'nothing'. I am using 'nothing has happened' as a way to tell you nothing physical has happened. Of course I have been involved in 'something' otherwise I wouldn't be feeling so shitty about it. I know right from wrong even though I don't always do right.

Lostinthehills posted 2/7/2014 13:42 PM

After my A was discovered and through a great M/C I'm discovering many things that I did not know before. The thing you said about "being wanted" hit home for me because that is what I wanted also during my many affairs., Through therapy and such I discovered that the want I was desiring was actually intimacy I wanted but did not know how to be intimate! Not saying that this is about you but I would strongly suggest a good M/C or I/C:) Good Luck and hang in there!

CantLoseHope posted 2/7/2014 13:49 PM

disastergirl,
let me first start by saying that your statement "nothing has happened" is false. You are in some way emotionally involved with another individual even though nothing physical has happened... and I do hate to say it but what you're feeling is just plain selfish.
Why are you still M to your H if you are so unhappy, why would would you want to cause someone who has devoted their life to you such heartache? Or have you even thought of these things????

Im sorry to hear that you are engaging in such behavior....it always leads to heartache.....

refer to my quote below it speaks VOLUMES!

authenticnow posted 2/7/2014 14:09 PM

Disastergirl,

The first thing you have to do is cut all contact with OM. Only then can you focus on you and your marriage. Are you still in the affair?

Once your focus is where it needs to be you can figure out what's going on with you and why you let yourself get so lost. You are unhappy in your M, what are you doing to fix that? How can you get the connection with your BH and get some real communication going? These are all thing you should be focusing on, instead of going outside the marriage. I agree that you don't really know what your H is thinking because your head is not in the M. Are you in IC?

Has your husband ever seen you in a romantic way? Why have you stayed in this marriage?

Disastergirl posted 2/7/2014 14:54 PM

Not sure how many times I can repeat that I was referring to 'nothing has happened' as a way to explain nothing physical has happened. I will say once more that yes of course I accept is is not ok and the emotional affair is 'something'. Is is more than something in fact and inappropriate wouldn't even begin to cover it. I have to say I'm not finding these judgement replies very helpful.

Re has my h ever seen me in a romantic way ? yes I believe so, but not for a long time although there are other issues that I won't discuss here which make that explainable (nothing to do with me). This online thing made me feel wanted and desirable even though it is all fantasy and pretence. I would leave but I have a young child and I can't bear to tear his life apart. The online thing has stopped. I had that confirmed to me today. I am sad about that and relieved at the same time.

cdnmommy posted 2/7/2014 15:02 PM

Not sure how many times I can repeat that I was referring to 'nothing has happened' as a way to explain nothing physical has happened.

So this is a different guy than your ONS?

If so, the two things are not mutually exclusive. Figure out one and you're well on your way to breaking the cycle.

Disastergirl posted 2/7/2014 15:16 PM

Yes different ! But as you infer the behaviours is very much related.

somanyyears posted 2/7/2014 15:25 PM

..just for clarity..

I would leave but I have a young child and I can't bear to tear his life apart.

..whose life.. your child's or your H's life?

..is your H the father of your child?

..your justification seems to be around your perception that your H 'wouldn't care'..

..maybe you should ask him and find out.

..hope you can get to a place of peace and happiness... for you, your H and your child..

smy

Disastergirl posted 2/7/2014 16:05 PM

Yes it's my child's life I can't bear to tear apart. Yes my child is my husbands. I'm not justifying anything by saying h doesn't care. It's not an excuse it's just what I believe. I think he would care about an affair online or otherwise but not because he is in love with me just because it's a shitty thing for me to do full stop. I do t even know what I feel anymore I feel like I'm in limbo, trapped and all I want to be is asleep so I don't have to think about it. I'm going to leave this site now as it's not been a great experience. The moderators rant about how lucky the Ws are to have the site and how we shouldn't moan about anyone being judgemental was ridiculous. Clearly aimed at me - or maybe I'm the last straw of a number of similar incidents. Hope you all find the help you ate looking for. Goodbye and thanks to the constructive reply people.

smez posted 2/8/2014 05:29 AM

Don't leave. I understand reaching out to OM to feel loved and desired and what not. I also feel living a with husband doesn't desire you. I also understand feeling trapped in a marriage due to a young child.

Let talk about the online affair. Are the emotions all good? I doubt they are. I bet they gave you a surge of high, followed by a really bad low. You are on this website, seeking advice...That is the first step. Don't stop talking. Keep talking.