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Flowers don't fix anything

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dameia posted 2/7/2014 06:55 AM

I've been having a rough few days. Pretty depressed about the multiple A's, falling back into the old habit of obsessing about OW17, the one who lives here in the States, the one who knows my WH picked her over me, etc.

I've just been in a bad state. Add to that an over-active 3 year old, a sick 11 year old, and a good, but scatter brained 8 year old, a disorganized, messy house, and PMS and you have the perfect recipe for a woman on the edge.

Yesterday DS3 gets up at 6:45 am, like he always does. I hop out of bed, like I always do, otherwise he will wake up his siblings. DS3 is difficult, as usual. Lots of arguing and screaming. By 8:30am I'm ready to pull my hair out. I get him dressed and we go to the gym, just so I can get a break from him.

Where was WH this whole time? In bed, still sleeping. Which is absolutely normal for him. If he doesn't have a morning meeting, he won't get up. He stays up until 2am usually, playing games online.

So I go to the gym, drop off DS3 at the nursery so I can get some peace. I return home at 11:15, and who pulls up a minute after me? Thats right, WH. He had gone out to get coffee and pick me up flowers because, in his words, "It sounded like you had a rough morning."

Flowers don't fix anything. Flowers don't make anythin better. Flowers don't help. What would help is WH actually making an effort. WH realizing I am struggling and getting out of bed before 10:30 am to ACTUALLY help. But that would require an unselfish act on his part, and apparently he is still incapable of that.

Instead I get flowers. Pointless, meaningless flowers.

Kelany posted 2/7/2014 07:00 AM

When we were in false R I got a lot of flowers. And? He wanted a pat on the back. I wanted to shove them down his throat.

Have you told him what you just posted? That you need his time and effort vs. "gifts"?

dameia posted 2/7/2014 07:08 AM

Yep WH did the same. So many flowers and foot rubs in those first few months. And him wondering why I was being such a bitch and not "getting over it" because clearly "I'm sorry". Ugh.

I have told him all of this. I repeatedly told him how nice it would be if he went to bed earlier so we could all spend time together in the morning. He told me I was stressing him out by talking about it.

I repeatedly ask him to do small things to help out. Without going into excruciatingly details, there are two things in particular I have asked him to do. Its been six months.....nothing. He helps out when he feels like it and how he feels like it.

Kelany posted 2/7/2014 07:13 AM

Ugh!!! That so hurtful. Is he even remorseful? Like for realz, not the foot rub variety?

I git a lot of "guilt gifts" but no real remorse into 6 months after dday2.

Kelany posted 2/7/2014 07:15 AM

P.S. my first dday was exactly one day after yours a year earlier.

My second was July 21-31, 2012. I hate July.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 7:15 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

dameia posted 2/7/2014 07:23 AM

WH is remorseful, and I know that I should count myself luck. There are plenty of people on SI who aren't so fortunate. It took about six months, but he really changed his attitude.

SB, your WH also had multiple A's. Aren't there some days, even in R, even when WH is doing everything right, when you just look at him and feel disgusted? Feel sad? That's how it is for me at least.

WH is getting better at dealing with these episodes, but I still get the feeling he would prefer I just never bring it up or think about it again. Of course that's normal, he's ashamed and doesn't want to think about all the shit he's done.

I hate July too. Two DDays in July, you must want to hide under a rock until the month is over. We need to buy an SI island where members can escape to during the tough months!

MrsDoubtfire posted 2/7/2014 07:53 AM

Instead I get flowers. Pointless, meaningless flowers.

It depends on what is important for you.

In this home FWH constantly brings me flowers. The reason for this is due to one of my dealbreakers I gave him soon after DDay.

I told him I needed him to make sure that he NEVER forgot about me and would not stop focussing on me an I said that one way he could action this in a way that I could see it was to always remember to bring me flowers.

Before DDay I got the guilt flowers and the valentine's flowers but never any "Hey, I thought about you so I bought you flowers!" flowers whic is why he does so now.

He never forgets and my home always has fresh flowers in it.

Another thing we both agreed to do after we decided to R was that we both decided that intimacy was lost as we never went to bed at the same time. The MC picked up on this and said it is one of the biggest ways couples are able to actively avoid each other using a non-aggressive cue.

She told us that we had to make a promise to go to bed at the same time together even if one of us wasn't tired in order to stay connected and stay close to each other.

So this is what we do.

If FWH is tired then I will go on my iPad and mess about on here or Google or whichever website is selling the latest fashion items!!

If I amm tired FWH will probably put the TV on low and watch a film or a documentary.

But- we BOTH agree that being able to go to bed together and hug each other has made a vast difference to us as it has kept us close.

This hit home recently when a couple we know S. The W stated she had begged her H for years to go to bed with her but he always stayed up til gone 1 am and she only recently found out it was because he wanted to stay up; watch porn and get his rocks off! Like she said- how insulting... there she was begging him to be intimate with her yet, unbeknowns to her, he was detaching by his use of porn.

I guess what I am saying is that, if your FWH went to bed at a decent time he would be able to get up with you and help out with your children.

There's only one exception to this rule but I can tell from here you ain't married to no Mufasa!! up daaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Your son is awake!

Before sunrise he is YOUR son!

But even then Mufasa knew enough about ladycats that he got his ass out of bed to tend to his son!

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 7:55 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

dameia posted 2/7/2014 16:04 PM

Thanks for a different point of view MrsD.

I can see why flowers are important to makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, for me I would rather he make more of an effort than buy flowers. I feel like he is just doing it out of guilt.

As for the going to bed at the same time...maybe we'll try it. We've never really done this, for all of the M. I'm not sure how much I would enjoy it. He falls asleep pretty fast and starts snoring, and then I can't sleep!

I think I'm just bummed out and overwhelmed lately. This too shall pass!

wanttogoforward posted 2/7/2014 21:04 PM


sounds like your H needs to read The Five Love Languages book to learn what your love language is.... he is likely speaking his own with giving you flowers, and not meeting your needs.

My H and I both read the book and took the inventory in the back to learn our languages.

It can be very healing to realize the little things you can do for a spouse/ S. Other.

The book essentially tells you about the languages and it teaches you how to meet the needs of the other person.... yours may be acts of service... someone who gets up with the kids so you can sleep in... one who cleans the house to give you a break.... etc.

UnexpectedSong posted 2/8/2014 11:15 AM

I can see why flowers are important to makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, for me I would rather he make more of an effort than buy flowers.

What wanttogoforward said. You and your H have different love languages.

There are five: gifts, acts of service, spending time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. We each have our own love language(s) and sometime we perceive a different LL as the opposite of love.

Someone whose LL is spending time may perceive acts of service as neglect, when in fact the partner doing his/her best at showing love in their own LL.

This would be a good book for you. The Five Love Languages.

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