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Any stay-at-home waywards?

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hopefaithlove4 posted 2/7/2014 07:51 AM

That's me. Been home for almost 12 years since our first was born. Oddly, I think it did contribute to my ability for an A. I had time. I had lack of adult interaction. I had loneliness and a day filled with mundane tasks. I had everyone always interested in BS's life and what the kids were doing. And then I had someone interested in me and making me feel significant. I had low self-esteem, lack of identity, and weak boundaries that AP chipped away it. That's all very pathetic, isn't it? If I had been a working mom, I wouldn't have had the time or energy to devote to someone else. There were a lot of factors in play which I'm not going to get in to now, but looking back I recognize that me being a SAHM made it easier for me. Disgusting, I know. No excuses here, just exploring. I am horrified by my actions and have a hard time reconciling who I thought I was with those horrible actions. It's like there were 2 sides of me. Good wife/mom/friend/daughter and the lying, betraying spouse who deceived and hurt everyone close to me. The boundaries issue--how and why did I ever let that down to risk everyone close to me. And how can I get to the bottom of it to ensure it doesn't happen again. That is an answer I'm looking for.

Gman1 posted 2/7/2014 11:48 AM

What you have written sounds almost identical to my WW. Add depression to her list and an EA started on FB which progressed into a weekend PA. She has been to an IC since D-day and her progress has been amazing. We are well on our way to R but it has not been easy. D-day was 5/9/13. She could have written your post word for word...

Darkness Falls posted 2/7/2014 11:50 AM

I'm not a SAHM but I did want to point out that time or energy for an A can be found anywhere. I was very busy with work when I cheated (with a coworker) and I used to say the same thing the other way around: "If I'd been home with a child I wouldn't have cheated." Opportunity plays a part...but opportunity can be found anywhere if one is inclined to cheat. Just my thoughts...

CantBeUndone posted 2/7/2014 14:47 PM

Yep, me. I wouldn't say being a sahm made it easier for me. Given my state of mind at the time of the affair, I doubt it would've mattered what I was doing. I was miserably depressed and completely disconnected from my BH. I latched onto the first person to show me any attention and affection.

IC has been invaluable for me. I have a long way to go, but I am in such a better place than I was a year ago. It was a process that took months, definitely not a magic pill, but it was worth the work.

Arnold01 posted 2/7/2014 14:54 PM

My WH is a stay at home dad, and he had an A with a stay at home mom he met at our kids' school. He could have written your post - lack of adult interaction and a day filled with mundane tasks. And loneliness compounded by the fact that we'd moved to a new state where he knew no one. So the OW and spending time with her was an antidote to all of those feelings. Just the other day, H and I were talking about this, and he said that part of the attraction of the affair was that he was doing something for himself. Misguided, obviously, but when he had moved (for my job), was managing the house (for his family), was organizing activities and fun (for the kids), was ready to do anything and everything to support my career demands (for me)....there was nothing he was doing for him.

You ask about if you'd been working and whether you would have had time to put into someone else. My H told me recently that he thought in the past about how I would be able to have an A because I had the opportunity (I travel for business). I laughed, as my life is running from meeting to meeting...and if I just took the afternoon off to be with my AP it's not like my boss wouldn't notice! So I think the answer is as another poster said - if you're in a bad spot and don't have the emotional resources to handle it in a healthy way, you're at risk for an A - job or stay at home.

NoGoodUsername posted 2/7/2014 19:34 PM

I work from home, but was out in the normal workplace during my affair. I don't know that my experience is useful to you.

I've only worked from home for a couple of months but I'm very wired in and talking to people constantly.

Tell you what, the identity issues that you are talking about, they exist in the outside world too. It's going to be up to us to figure out how to have a healthy identity. Goodness knows that needs to be built and tended. I feel a threadjack coming on. Guess I'll stop here.

Welcome to SI and good luck.

grains posted 2/9/2014 00:45 AM

Are you familiar with co-dependency? It has helped me understand my lack of boundaries that led to my infidelity. There are support groups for this. I am in one and I find it very helpful. Please look into:

They have an excellent book - "Co-Dependents Anonymous".
There is also "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

I offer you this prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Good luck in your recovery and reconciliation.

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