Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: wonkeddev

Wayward Side :
Any stay-at-home waywards?

This Topic is Archived
default

 hopefaithlove4 (original poster member #42384) posted at 1:51 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

That's me. Been home for almost 12 years since our first was born. Oddly, I think it did contribute to my ability for an A. I had time. I had lack of adult interaction. I had loneliness and a day filled with mundane tasks. I had everyone always interested in BS's life and what the kids were doing. And then I had someone interested in me and making me feel significant. I had low self-esteem, lack of identity, and weak boundaries that AP chipped away it. That's all very pathetic, isn't it? If I had been a working mom, I wouldn't have had the time or energy to devote to someone else. There were a lot of factors in play which I'm not going to get in to now, but looking back I recognize that me being a SAHM made it easier for me. Disgusting, I know. No excuses here, just exploring. I am horrified by my actions and have a hard time reconciling who I thought I was with those horrible actions. It's like there were 2 sides of me. Good wife/mom/friend/daughter and the lying, betraying spouse who deceived and hurt everyone close to me. The boundaries issue--how and why did I ever let that down to risk everyone close to me. And how can I get to the bottom of it to ensure it doesn't happen again. That is an answer I'm looking for.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6675025
default

Gman1 ( member #40879) posted at 5:48 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

Hope,

What you have written sounds almost identical to my WW. Add depression to her list and an EA started on FB which progressed into a weekend PA. She has been to an IC since D-day and her progress has been amazing. We are well on our way to R but it has not been easy. D-day was 5/9/13. She could have written your post word for word...

posts: 716   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2013
id 6675399
default

Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 5:50 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

I'm not a SAHM but I did want to point out that time or energy for an A can be found anywhere. I was very busy with work when I cheated (with a coworker) and I used to say the same thing the other way around: "If I'd been home with a child I wouldn't have cheated." Opportunity plays a part...but opportunity can be found anywhere if one is inclined to cheat. Just my thoughts...

Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again

Staying together for the kids

D-day 2010

posts: 6490   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 6675403
default

CantBeUndone ( member #42205) posted at 8:47 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

Yep, me. I wouldn't say being a sahm made it easier for me. Given my state of mind at the time of the affair, I doubt it would've mattered what I was doing. I was miserably depressed and completely disconnected from my BH. I latched onto the first person to show me any attention and affection.

IC has been invaluable for me. I have a long way to go, but I am in such a better place than I was a year ago. It was a process that took months, definitely not a magic pill, but it was worth the work.

Me: WW
Him: BH
30's, 4 kids
DD- Jan 2014

posts: 55   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2014
id 6675689
default

Arnold01 ( member #39751) posted at 8:54 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

My WH is a stay at home dad, and he had an A with a stay at home mom he met at our kids' school. He could have written your post - lack of adult interaction and a day filled with mundane tasks. And loneliness compounded by the fact that we'd moved to a new state where he knew no one. So the OW and spending time with her was an antidote to all of those feelings. Just the other day, H and I were talking about this, and he said that part of the attraction of the affair was that he was doing something for himself. Misguided, obviously, but when he had moved (for my job), was managing the house (for his family), was organizing activities and fun (for the kids), was ready to do anything and everything to support my career demands (for me)....there was nothing he was doing for him.

You ask about if you'd been working and whether you would have had time to put into someone else. My H told me recently that he thought in the past about how I would be able to have an A because I had the opportunity (I travel for business). I laughed, as my life is running from meeting to meeting...and if I just took the afternoon off to be with my AP it's not like my boss wouldn't notice! So I think the answer is as another poster said - if you're in a bad spot and don't have the emotional resources to handle it in a healthy way, you're at risk for an A - job or stay at home.

Me: BW. Together 27y, M 24y
D-Day 1: June 2013
D-Day 2: December 2024
Divorced May 2025

posts: 191   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2013
id 6675709
default

NoGoodUsername ( member #40181) posted at 1:34 AM on Saturday, February 8th, 2014

I work from home, but was out in the normal workplace during my affair. I don't know that my experience is useful to you.

I've only worked from home for a couple of months but I'm very wired in and talking to people constantly.

Tell you what, the identity issues that you are talking about, they exist in the outside world too. It's going to be up to us to figure out how to have a healthy identity. Goodness knows that needs to be built and tended. I feel a threadjack coming on. Guess I'll stop here.

Welcome to SI and good luck.

Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

posts: 275   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2013
id 6676072
default

grains ( member #32590) posted at 6:45 AM on Sunday, February 9th, 2014

Are you familiar with co-dependency? It has helped me understand my lack of boundaries that led to my infidelity. There are support groups for this. I am in one and I find it very helpful. Please look into:

http://www.coda.org/

They have an excellent book - "Co-Dependents Anonymous".

There is also "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

I offer you this prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things that I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Good luck in your recovery and reconciliation.

WH 63
BS 52
No Children

Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001










D-day#1 03/01/2011
D-day#2 7/8/2015
D-day#3 9/3/2015

posts: 800   ·   registered: Jun. 25th, 2011
id 6677449
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy