Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Can we really R after all this?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

huskers posted 2/7/2014 10:21 AM

Im so new to this...only one month. I made him leave when he couldn't commit to being faithful. I actually asked him if he could. He said no. We are in IC. Had dinner last night. First half disaster. He blamed me for my reaction being 'crazy' changing locks. moving money. Don't worry. I defended myself. Second half was me owning up to my half of marriage, what I could have done, but that I did not make him have the affair. Things were calmer after that. He doesn't know if he can come home because he doesn't know if I can move past all the affairs, etc. I still don't even have all the truth.

The reason I post this hear instead of newbee post is........can we get past all of this volatality, anger, sheer hatred? Is R even a possibility?

huskers posted 2/7/2014 10:21 AM

Let me also say that we will be married 27 years this April, so this is not something I am willing to just give up on. Even though he did apparently.

Morhurt posted 2/7/2014 10:31 AM

Oh Huskers, I'm so sorry for your pain. Anything can be R'd if both people give it 100% (or 300%) but if he's fence sitting there's not much you can do. It's time to turn inwards and work on healing yourself and let him worry about himself.

I hope he comes out of the fog and quickly. Keep reading and posting, it really does help.

byefornow posted 2/7/2014 10:37 AM

I, too, have been married 27 years. I have known my WH close to 30.
I am almost 4 months out. Still cry daily. Still have huge arguments. But we do talk and I see just a tiny sliver of what we were coming back every once in a while.
I don't know if we can get passed all this hurt, betrayal, lies, etc. I ask myself that daily and my WH has said the same thing to me. I guess for now we really aren't in R or anything. I think of it as breathing.
I can't tell you when we will go from breathing to trying R or D. I honestly don't know.
It is so sad to think after so many years of marriage we find ourselves here.

ascian posted 2/7/2014 10:43 AM

In general: Yes. The anger, hurt, fear, and hate can be temporary things that are able to be healed. I can't speak to individual cases, but I've been through bigger things than my wife's affair so I knew that what I was feeling was going to be a temporary thing one way or another.

For my wife and I one of the big things that we're both still working on is overcoming our fear of being angry with each other. We did "upset" alright for the first 15 years of our marriage, but never "angry." So we hid those things, stuffed them down or away, and in doing so turned away from each other on things that we should have tackled together. It's tough, now, learning to face those things and to trust that your partner will accept your anger and hurt. But we're making progress.

musiclovingmom posted 2/7/2014 10:53 AM

We say it here a lot, the only way past all of that is through it. And, even if you do not R, you will need to go through all of that to heal yourself. R requires two people committed for the long haul. 1 month is only a drop in the bucket. I came to a point of forgiveness at 12 months. We are almost 19 months now and I really would consider us mostly R'd. This has only happened because BOTH my husband and I have been willing to face the hard stuff, to push through when we wanted to walk away, to take a step back when emotions ran so high we were being counterproductive. What we have both realized from this is that marriage is a work in progress - forever. I'll never get to a point where I feel like we can just be comfortable, because complacency and the status quo are no longer enough for me. Our marriage is an active commitment every day - not just a passive partnership that gets the bills paid, the kids fed and a little companionship.

huskers posted 2/7/2014 11:10 AM

Thank you all. I know each of you can relate, especially the ones with long marriages. I conceded some things last night that ordinarily I would not have, just to calm things down. Seems when he's not so angry we can get to a halfway good emotional place. However, I cannot seem to get an honest answer on if he and mistress are still talking, texting, or even together. Psychiatrist said no way will he work on marriage counseling unless he gives me answer to that.

sisoon posted 2/7/2014 12:10 PM

R requires 3 healings - you heal yourself; he heals himself; together you heal the M. A corollary is that you can and must heal yourself even if he doesn't, and even if you don't R.

The volatility and awful feelings resolve as you heal yourself, so that will happen if you face the pain and let it go, which is probably part of your IC. Besides, we do some healing almost automatically. So your current anger isn't the obstacle to R.

The big obstacles lie with your H. He has to own his own behavior. He has to face his pain and let it go. He has to change from cheater to partner. He has to make amends for betraying you - and himself.

Signs of doing that include, but are not limited to, going NC with ow, answering your questions and becoming honest with you, becoming transparent, changing his mindset to take responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, etc....

You'll move past this, but will he heal himself? IDK the answer. It sounds like he's got a long way to go, but others have gone just as far as he has to go.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:11 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

Gardenerinpain posted 2/7/2014 14:10 PM

As others said, it is really early post D-Day and sounds like he is still in the fog. After our D-Day, it took my WH another year to end the A, although the EA/Fog continued after THAT for another 5 months. I left at that point and we have been separated for another 5 months. We are only just now starting a real R (I hope!).
Sometimes, it can take a LONG time for real R to even start.
I found the past 5 months, working the 180 on ME was the best thing I could do for ME.

huskers posted 2/7/2014 22:47 PM

Sitting here thinking what a fool I am. What a stupid question to post. I have every reason to believe he's still with her. He's never told me he isn't. I saw psychiatrist today. He sees same one next week. Psych told me he will tell him he must tell me if wants to save marriage. I want to text him now and tell him that. However I've humiliated myself enough. I emailed article on R today I found on here. No response. Back to 180. So long to 27 years of lies

itstoomuch posted 2/7/2014 23:11 PM

You are not a fool to post such a question. And don't think you've humiliated yourself by offering him the biggest gift you could give him: a chance to reconcile your marriage. I know in my case (and others I know) that putting forgiveness & R out on the table is what sometimes opens their eyes- hits them smack in the face- 'wow I really messed up- look what I have.'

With my husband, he didn't just wake up & offer R back right away... It took some time for him to sort out his thoughts- I mean he got caught in the middle of a relationship, he didn't just turn himself in & confess. That relationship ended quite abruptly.

By offering R you are letting him see he has more options than just leave the marriage. At this point that's all you can do until he makes choice to R. He- NOT you- is the fool if he doesn't stop himself from walking away from that gift you offer.

Morhurt & Sisoon said some very good things & I couldn't agree more. No marriage is beyond R if both are 100% committed. And you have to heal, he has to heal, and the marriage has to heal. Right now focus on you cause that's all you can do atm & will only help M & him if/when that time comes too. Hang in there :)

huskers posted 2/7/2014 23:18 PM

Reading your words and reading your words. I have been so strong for a month. Don't know what's wrong with me tonight. Got his bank statement. He told me had job interview in different state last week. I had kicked him out by then. Charge for really nice hotel and $75 charge at really nice restaurant. Seems to me if you are on job interview others pay. Would love to ask....,..but 180

whereismylove posted 2/7/2014 23:20 PM

So sorry huskers. I'm in a mad mood tonight and I have to say I'm tired of being treated like shit! That's what he is doing to you. I talk talk but I understand where you're coming from its hard to say its over, its done. Its easier if you get angry but that hurts you too. If I were you I would find out where he is with her and give him a piece of your mind or a tell him in a friendly letter lol sorry I'm just bitter tonight.

itstoomuch posted 2/7/2014 23:24 PM

Hugs. No fun to find the inconsistencies! :(

Remember those words from those above, you have to heal regardless if R or not... You still have to go thru it. Unfortunately we have no choice in the matter. :(

Focus on your healing as hard as it is & I KNOW it is hard! ;(( take care of yourself - you are worth it :)

Morhurt posted 2/7/2014 23:24 PM

Huskers, I'm so sorry, it makes me furious for you that he's leaving you in the dark this way. Do you have a friend or family member you could get away and visit?
I didn't do the 180 but I understand how helpful it can be, it seems in your case that trying to do mental NC might help too. Impossible I'm sure, but maybe being away from home would help?
You're in my thoughts. Breathe and know you can do this, no matter what.

creativecat posted 2/8/2014 16:22 PM

((huskers)) Not a fool to post here at all. But no R will begin until he is 110% committed to you and you alone. NC, timeline (if you want it) or at least the "truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

Expect the fog to linger for awhile, even if you get to's like a drug, these behaviors. Even my extremely remorseful fWH couldn't wrap his mind around what he had done to me/us for awhile.

Right now it sounds like he doesn't know his @$$ from a teakettle, and is all over the map: having an A, applying for a job out of state...good to see your mutual IC is on board with what you need to move forward with R.

And I think YOU need a nice dinner out tonight!

huskers posted 2/8/2014 20:35 PM

Well I feel super stupid for posting this originally now. He changed our password, surprise, on our online billing. I was able to figure it out. He's been talking nonstop and everything else with her every single day of the separation. He said she was back with husband, hinting that he was done with her. Obviously not. He was texting her during our dinner the other night. I can't stand it. I hate his frigging guts. He texted me today 'good try on the password. I changed it and they tell me when you are trying to get into it'. What a piece of work. Only funny thing is that he doesn't know I actually saw the bill
I am not going to say a thing about seeing it. Actually I'm not saying a thing period. 27 years, two kids, I am doing 180 big time to save myself.

Getting to Happy posted 2/9/2014 15:31 PM

Oh Huskers, he is such a cowardly douche'!

I am so sorry that you are caught up in this crapfest. My heart goes out to you.

I know that we are all saying you are so strong. And right about now you don't feel so strong.

You have a healthy sense of self, pragmatic strength. I personally admire that in you.

This is why you feel so shitty trying to make things work with your weak WH. Now you know that he is discussing your business with his AP. That is too much. How dare he bring some stranger into your lives and discuss your personal business with her. Like I said, weak.

Hold your head up my dear. Gather your children close and blow past this guy. Soon he will be a blip on your radar, a joke from the past.

You got this.


huskers posted 2/9/2014 15:55 PM

Thank you Getting to Happy. Everyone on here has encouraged me to tell the whore's husband. I got an intelius account, which helps you find a person's cell number. I think I have his email and cell, not sure though. What would you do to contact him? Call his cell? And what do I say? And why am I clueless about this? Because I'm in the middle of a tornado.

RippedSoul posted 2/9/2014 16:03 PM

After a year of all this A drama, I truly believe the hardest part--absolutely THE hardest part--is the lying. Did you or didn't you break your vows? If yes, are you going to leave AP or work on our M? If leaving AP, then go NC. Now. And lay it all out--every last kernel of truth. Answer every question I have. Go to IC. Read books on infidelity and marriage and reconciliation. Post on SI. Go to MC. If leaving M, then go. Good bye! Good riddance!

It should be so simple. The limboing, the gaslighting, the blame-shifting, the minimizing, the compartmentalizing, the raging, the lying are so juvenile. It's just not that hard. Is it? Apparently, it is for cheaters. But I just don't get it.

I'm so sorry, huskers, that you're going through this. It's miserable. The best piece of advice I've heard about healing from an A has already been posted on this thread. It's that, either way--whether he stays or goes--you have to heal. So you might as well start that process. It doesn't depend on him in large part. It would be far simpler, true, if he'd just make a decision and inform you. Regardless, nothing he does can stop you from focusing your TLC on YOU or keep you from getting physically, financially, mentally, emotionally stronger. Draw your friends and family ever closer. Lay out a plan for the future that's about you--more education, new job, updated hairstyle, pampering galore (bubble baths or mani/pedis or shopping spree--whatever the budget allows), fun hobby, best friend getaway, etc. Get your ducks in a row wherever and however is necessary. Empower yourself in whatever way applies to you.

Whether you R or D, you've lost nothing. Nothing. You'll have gained pride, strength, self-esteem, AND a sense of control. Best of luck to you!

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.