The reason I post this hear instead of newbee post is........can we get past all of this volatality, anger, sheer hatred? Is R even a possibility?
I hope he comes out of the fog and quickly. Keep reading and posting, it really does help.
For my wife and I one of the big things that we're both still working on is overcoming our fear of being angry with each other. We did "upset" alright for the first 15 years of our marriage, but never "angry." So we hid those things, stuffed them down or away, and in doing so turned away from each other on things that we should have tackled together. It's tough, now, learning to face those things and to trust that your partner will accept your anger and hurt. But we're making progress.
The volatility and awful feelings resolve as you heal yourself, so that will happen if you face the pain and let it go, which is probably part of your IC. Besides, we do some healing almost automatically. So your current anger isn't the obstacle to R.
The big obstacles lie with your H. He has to own his own behavior. He has to face his pain and let it go. He has to change from cheater to partner. He has to make amends for betraying you - and himself.
Signs of doing that include, but are not limited to, going NC with ow, answering your questions and becoming honest with you, becoming transparent, changing his mindset to take responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, etc....
You'll move past this, but will he heal himself? IDK the answer. It sounds like he's got a long way to go, but others have gone just as far as he has to go.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:11 PM, February 7th (Friday)]
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley
With my husband, he didn't just wake up & offer R back right away... It took some time for him to sort out his thoughts- I mean he got caught in the middle of a relationship, he didn't just turn himself in & confess. That relationship ended quite abruptly.
By offering R you are letting him see he has more options than just leave the marriage. At this point that's all you can do until he makes choice to R. He- NOT you- is the fool if he doesn't stop himself from walking away from that gift you offer.
Morhurt & Sisoon said some very good things & I couldn't agree more. No marriage is beyond R if both are 100% committed. And you have to heal, he has to heal, and the marriage has to heal. Right now focus on you cause that's all you can do atm & will only help M & him if/when that time comes too. Hang in there :)
Remember those words from those above, you have to heal regardless if R or not... You still have to go thru it. Unfortunately we have no choice in the matter. :(
Focus on your healing as hard as it is & I KNOW it is hard! ;(( take care of yourself - you are worth it :)
Expect the fog to linger for awhile, even if you get to NC...it's like a drug, these behaviors. Even my extremely remorseful fWH couldn't wrap his mind around what he had done to me/us for awhile.
Right now it sounds like he doesn't know his @$$ from a teakettle, and is all over the map: having an A, applying for a job out of state...good to see your mutual IC is on board with what you need to move forward with R.
And I think YOU need a nice dinner out tonight!
I am so sorry that you are caught up in this crapfest. My heart goes out to you.
I know that we are all saying you are so strong. And right about now you don't feel so strong.
You have a healthy sense of self, pragmatic strength. I personally admire that in you.
This is why you feel so shitty trying to make things work with your weak WH. Now you know that he is discussing your business with his AP. That is too much. How dare he bring some stranger into your lives and discuss your personal business with her. Like I said, weak.
Hold your head up my dear. Gather your children close and blow past this guy. Soon he will be a blip on your radar, a joke from the past.
You got this.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
It should be so simple. The limboing, the gaslighting, the blame-shifting, the minimizing, the compartmentalizing, the raging, the lying are so juvenile. It's just not that hard. Is it? Apparently, it is for cheaters. But I just don't get it.
I'm so sorry, huskers, that you're going through this. It's miserable. The best piece of advice I've heard about healing from an A has already been posted on this thread. It's that, either way--whether he stays or goes--you have to heal. So you might as well start that process. It doesn't depend on him in large part. It would be far simpler, true, if he'd just make a decision and inform you. Regardless, nothing he does can stop you from focusing your TLC on YOU or keep you from getting physically, financially, mentally, emotionally stronger. Draw your friends and family ever closer. Lay out a plan for the future that's about you--more education, new job, updated hairstyle, pampering galore (bubble baths or mani/pedis or shopping spree--whatever the budget allows), fun hobby, best friend getaway, etc. Get your ducks in a row wherever and however is necessary. Empower yourself in whatever way applies to you.
Whether you R or D, you've lost nothing. Nothing. You'll have gained pride, strength, self-esteem, AND a sense of control. Best of luck to you!