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WH neglected to mention…

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mchercheur posted 2/7/2014 11:27 AM

2 ¾ yrs out, WH has been back home for 2 ¼ years, & R has been going better and better.
I do believe that WH’s A is over, even tho WH still works in the same building as OW.
He says that she disgusts him now.
I have even stopped checking. I want to trust him.

Months go by now & I don't even bring the A up
(even tho I still think about it every day). I am trying to focus on building our new marriage.

Yesterday , in the course of a discussion about some other developments at WH’s job (not re: WH's A, but re: OW's latest status),
& AFTER I ASKED HIM if there is anything else he hasn’t told me,
WH disclosed that recently
some coworkers asked WH’s supervisor if WH & OW were moved to separate floors because they had an A. The supervisor, who is WH's friend & confidant, quickly covered for WH, giving another reason which makes sense & should dispel any suspicions.

But, that means that WH’s reputation is still at stake & still in question due to his A.

WH has known this info for a couple of months, & decided that I didn’t need to know.
Last night he said that he “guesses that he repressed it”. He said that it only indirectly affects me.

I replied that it does affect me. I have to socialize with these people.

I feel humiliated by WH's A.

Of course, my question now is “What else hasn’t he told me?”
It doesn't take much for me to get suspicious & go back into hyper alert/ uber private eye mode.

My issue is that why isn’t WH forthcoming about everything now? Are we partners or not?

Maybe I am making a big deal about nothing.

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/7/2014 12:39 PM

I am only 5 months out, clearly NO expert but I am guessing that there could be a couple of things going on. One, he is probably ashamed and embarrassed by what he did. Having it stirred up again at work, and needing to cover must have been a blow, and maybe he just didn't want to have to absorb those feelings and deal with them. Two, he probably knows just how much anything affair-related hurts you and chose to avoid doing that to you one more time.
Unfortunately, that is the kind of "not facing issues or emotions" that got my own husband into such trouble in the first place. I don't know your's and your husband's story, but if you are able to talk to him, maybe you can express your fears about holding things back, no matter how directly or indirectly they affect you because communication is key to maintaining intimacy and is one of the elements that keeps a couple strong and less vulnerable in the future.
If he has been truly remorseful and diligent, and this is atypical, it sounds like he is just human and fell into an old habit. See what he says if you express the fear behind your concern. Maybe he will be able to get it from that perspective. I hope I didn't overstep; and good luck; it seems like there is always work to be done…..

mchercheur posted 2/7/2014 13:29 PM

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it.

that is the kind of "not facing issues or emotions" that got my own husband into such trouble in the first place.

Spot on. That is exactly what got our marriage into trouble in the first place, making WH vulnerable to have an A.

Thank you for sorting thru my rambling post & making the essence of the problem clearer to me.
It is exactly this issue that we keep going back to over and over again in MC.

If he has been truly remorseful and diligent, and this is atypical, it sounds like he is just human and fell into an old habit.

That's what I am worried about---was this a one time lapse back into that old bad habit, or are there still a lot of things he is not being open about?

Best of luck to you Neverwudaguessed & your WH. Sorry you find yourselves here with the rest of us.

Undone1 posted 2/7/2014 14:44 PM

Of course we are all SUPER SENSITIVE to anything A related. For my fWH, he will not tell me things or wait until the last minute to tell me becase 1) he is conflict avoidant 2) He is afraid I will trigger and be upset with him. I suspect that many of our spouses have great difficulty with expressing their feelings. My H thinks that I am mad it him all the time, even when I am not. He doesn't tell me he is going on a business trip because he is afraid. He has lived his life in fear and is working on that. He is working on "not keeping secrets" of any kind, but that is still hard for him. We had this conversation two weeks ago again. It's a work in progress for us!

Rebreather posted 2/7/2014 14:49 PM

I think Unfound is right in the dynamic involved, but to truly reconcile, you have to kill that dynamic.

I'd be livid.

mchercheur posted 2/7/2014 15:07 PM

It just hit me that WH acted, once again, like a single person , not like part of a "We".

He probably was uncomfortable/ashamed thinking about the fact that one of the possible consequences of his A with a coworker was that his reputation is ruined, that coworkers will think differently of him now, that he is not the solid family man----an identity that he took pride in.

But I thought we were trying to rebuild a new marriage, & we were a team, & were going to face the world together as a united front.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 3:07 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

Scubachick posted 2/7/2014 16:20 PM

I would be very upset. My husband would do exactly what yours did and in fact has done something similar. It drives me crazy and totally triggers me. They choose their own comfort level over their BS feelings and the marriage. My husband protects himself at my expense.

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