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She has to choose

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StillPositive posted 2/7/2014 12:09 PM

Today I just took a huge step towards some good health and recovery!!!
I let my WS know that it's time for her to choose... The OP or the family!
And I feel great about it !!!! She can continue to live in her screwed up fantasy world or come back to reality with the family and begin recovery 100% no more bullshit and fakery.

simplydevastated posted 2/7/2014 12:13 PM

I hope that her fog lifts and she does the hard work needed to repair what she broke.

norabird posted 2/7/2014 12:31 PM

What a positive step for you. There is no reason you should be hostage to her whims. It sounds like you're ready to get in the driver's seat, and if that means leaving her behind, so be it.

StillStanding1 posted 2/7/2014 12:56 PM

Good for you!!!!! It's a huge first step. Stay strong.

And be ever wary... I told my H this.... and he still had some cake-eating moments. Some habits/addictions are hard to break. Just a small dose of reality from someone who has BTDT.

But stay strong and know your R requirments... and they may change over time... Revise and re-issue!!!! She needs to do everything you need to win you back!

Wishing you strength and peace.

StillPositive posted 2/7/2014 15:31 PM

Wanted to give it to her in person and talk. But it got sent as a text message. Lol!!!!! She hates talking face to face. It's too much for her. But we will be talking after work tonight. And she has to sit there and listen to me read the whole letter to her. And then she has to choose. OP or our family. There is no more in limbo. No more idk... We've had to deal with this for almost a year now. Time for things to change....
And thank you soooooo much for your support. Feels good to know somebody has your back. Even if it's on the Internet.

TheClimb posted 2/7/2014 16:03 PM

Good for you! This is just one more example of the fact that until you force them to make a choice, they will continue to have their affair and the marriage too.

When I first confronted my husband, he told me the affair would have eventually ended on its own as it had no where to go. I believed that until D-day #2.

Just know that no matter what her choice, you have turned a corner here. You have made the decision that "this ends today". You will find a great peace in this, you now are back in control of your life.

staystrong101 posted 2/7/2014 18:28 PM

I'm sorry but I just have to ask - how is this a good thing? I skimmed the replies and it seems everyone is so happy for you. But I'm confused - you are letting your WW - the one who lied, cheated and betrayed you - decide if she wants you or the OP? You're putting the ball in the cheater's court? Really? And she's already kept you in limbo about this for a year? Telling you she doesn't know if she wants you or OP? huh? I'm just curious why you're letting her have all this power and control over you. What if she says she chooses you. Do you really believe she will mean it this time? I'm curious why you would want to stay with someone who clearly doesn't value or respect you. I was married almost 24 years, and I loved him. But caught my WH in Affair #1, 8 months ago. Soon after, realized he had 2 more OW as well. We have 4 kids together. He said none of them meant anything, he never wanted to leave me and always loved me. But it's just a guy thing, all men need variety, it's just natural, etc. I was devastated, but fortunately I still have a little bit of pride and dignity left. I made him leave that night, and I filed for D this summer. Our D was final a month ago. I know that I deserve better than that and so do my kids.I want to be an example to my kids, to have courage and not let someone walk all over you.. Good luck to you, please don't let her take you for granted anymore. I don't know you at all but I'm sure you deserve better than that. We all do.

movingforward13 posted 2/7/2014 19:26 PM

Her being forced to choose will lead to resentment on her end.

Make the choice for her. Tell her you love her but you won't have a third person in your marriage so you are done. Kick her out and file for divorce. If she comes back on her knees begging, crying, willing to do anything--- then you know you have remorse and will have a better chance at reconciliation. And all of this will be under your control.

She quite frankly, has already made her choice. You need to show her what the consequences are for such a choice.

StillPositive posted 2/8/2014 02:46 AM

First off, thank you to everyone who posted something here. That means a lot to read your honesty and support. Well, my WS truly has no regret or remorse!!! She said I didn't give her what she needs. She's still mad about my not taking care of all the financial needs of the family. She says she was wrong but I didn't give her what she needs.
Well, she's on her way out the door now. I did what I felt was best to regain control of my life and to protect my children. I already started the D paperwork tonight! And this shit hurts like hell. The point of this was to see if she has any remorse. And she has not 1 fucking iota of remorse. Haven't totally grasped this yet. She will be out by next weekend!!!! Time to continue to move forward and be the best for myself and my beautiful children!
The pain hasn't really hit me yet. God willing it won't hit me while at work tomorrow. Whew!!!!

staystrong101 posted 2/8/2014 08:04 AM

StillPositive, Good for you! I just got on here to check on you so I'm glad you posted an update. Yes, it does hurt like hell and it will for a long time. For me, the one thing that has helped me move on in a positive way is to know that I put a stop to it. I was a fool a long time, apparently. But not anymore. The worst thing would be to know about the betrayals and to continue to allow it. It's scary, emotionally and financially, to walk away from a marriage. But I have to say the independence feels pretty damn good! I hope you'll look for a divorce support group in your area, and maybe individual counseling for awhile. It's really helpful to meet new people who are in similar situations. Your WW obviously isn't good enough for you. You'll get through this!

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