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Totally bummed but not surprised

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kasp posted 2/7/2014 12:40 PM

I'm brand new here and hope to find some peace of mind as things just don't seem to be working in my favor these days.

been married for 18 years, together for 23. Wife took a part time job last summer to help with the bills. Her boss was a 25 year old single dad and I could just tell something didn't seem right after the first couple of weeks. I went out one night last summer with a buddy and came home to find him and one of my wife's best friends on the deck drinking wine. I was surprised, but I joined them and gave him a ton of business advice and pretty much blew it off. She said she was trying to hook him up with a friend's daughter. She then started watching one of his kids with my daughter which led to lots of texting between the two of them. I again had weird feelings, but figured it was just all in my head. A couple of weeks later the wife was at a close friend's house and I had sent her a couple of texts which she did not reply to. I got a bit upset and went on our cell phone website to notice that she was not returning my texts but had been texting this dude back and forth all night. I then called her and told her I was coming to pick her up. I confronted her about the texts, she said it was work related and I told her the only thing she could do to prove that was to show me the texts. She couldn't because she had emptied her inbox "because it was full".
Sorry this is so long, but it's helping just to write this out.
The job eventually ended, although he did offer her a full time assistant manager position but that's a whole different story. A month or so later I notice a facebook post from him on her wall that just said "need another night out". I of course asked her about that and she said she was trying to set him up with a different friend that she was out with that night.
I'm feeling like an idiot right now...
I blew it off, but just after Christmas last year my family was over for some reason and she was telling us how exited she was that she gets to watch this dude's kid on New Years eve. My sister made a snide comment like "oh your still hanging with that guy?" Well things come to a head a few days after that. As my mind was racing one day at work, I ran home and decided it had been many months since I looked at the cell phone bills and needed to ease my mind, but instead found that over the prior 2 months there were over 1400 texts between the two of them and a number of early morning phone calls.I told her that it was unacceptable and she said she was "just giving him girl advice". Based on the number of text messages and the fact that I usually know her whereabouts, I I felt there wasn't enough time in the day for it to have been a PA. We talked alot and I told her it needed to stop. She then started seeing a counselor because she "wanted to be a better wife". I was thinking she had seen her wrong and was working to make herself better. We went to couple's counseling once and the counselor was super harsh on her for her actions and what she needed to do. I was excited about that, but then overheard her telling a friend that "it was tough, I just don't know if I have the energy for this". I never made another appointment as I didn't want to push her away by forcing couple's counseling on her and let things go for a while. She's been in counseling for over a year now and a couple of months ago suggested I see a counselor to deal with my childhood abandonment issues (parents divorced, dad committed suicide when I was 17 etc etc etc). I have been going and it is helping, but the real pisser here is that I was on my daughter's laptop a few month's back and the autofill in the Google tab brought up the website textem. I went to see what that site was and figured it out pretty fast. I wanted to be sure that my suspicions were correct so I asked my daughter and nephew if the had ever heard of that site and they both said no. So now I was thinking it must be my wife, but chose to just keep an eye on things and not bring it up in case I'm wrong. She's very good about clearing history, but yesterday she slipped up. I went on our computer to see that she was on textem. I couldn't log in, but the auto/memory fill put his damn phone number in for me. So from what I can guess, she never did end this relationship, and just found a site that she thought I wouldn't find. Fooled again! I have yet to confront her, but I'm feeling real done right now. I want her to see what she has done to me and what this will do to our kids. Help me!!!

totallyconfused1 posted 2/7/2014 13:23 PM

Sorry you are posting here. I'm fairly new myself, but my one piece of advice would be don't confront her yet.

Do some digging first. She's going to make up some great lies like before and you will be wondering if it's the truth or more to come (ie if it's an EA or PA). Get as much evidence as you can first.

Perhaps a key logger? Not sure exactly how that works, but someone here could probably tell you.

norabird posted 2/7/2014 13:29 PM

I'm so sorry. Usually the advice is for the WW to send a NC letter but realistically, your wife has no remorse and is just going to keep going underground with this A. And since the OM is single there is no one to expose him to.

I hope you can consult with some divorce attorneys to prepare what you would need to do to file, because you have been the only person trying to make this M work for a while. Realizing that her actions have consequences may wake her up and snap her out of it. All the normal approaches--counseling, etc.--have failed and I think only a big shock can save her.

Try not to feel too stupid for believing and trusting her. You were doing what a loving husband should do, having faith in your partner. That is not your fault. It does not make you gullible or stupid. Just honorable.

spond posted 2/7/2014 13:43 PM

kasp... so sorry you are here bro. No one wants to find this place, but it has been a blessing for most of us.

100% detective mode. Do not get rid of anything no matter what she says. Do not trust anything she says at this point.

Look at bank statements, credit cards, see where the money is going. Look for the purchasable credit cards too. That is what was used to purchase hotel rooms in my story. You can look at the back of them at you can login and get the usage history of them as well.

A lot of members have had really good luck with placing a voice activated recorder in their WS vehicle, to get a recording of their phone conversations.

Remember it was her choice to go outside the marriage, and none of this is your fault!!!

Remember to stay calm, cool and collective. If you feel the need to vent... come back here and do it. Don't share your discoveries with her yet...

Good Luck. Stay Strong. Eat Drink Exercise.

[This message edited by spond at 1:43 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

CantLoseHope posted 2/7/2014 13:57 PM

kasp, I agree with much of what has been said above..... I am fairly new here as well, but my situation is not new at all... I have been S for about a year.

My one good piece of advice to you, which I have given myself and am starting to live by it, is to not jump at your first emotion...... trust me I have found out a many of things that I wanted so badly to just call him up and lay into him and hand him divorce papers the next day..... BUT you have to let these emotions sit for at least a few days before you do anything.... When you discover such awful things everyones first reaction is to go berserk..... but thats your irrational self overpowering your logical side.

When it comes to marriage, I for one do not take it lightly..... as our WS seem to do..... but dont make such rash decisions on such fresh emotions, trust me on this.... there are many things to be thought about here.

I hope you find some type of peace in actually logically thinking this over, and I am so sorry you are here.

kasp posted 2/7/2014 14:03 PM

Just want to say thanks for the replies. I'm not sure I have the energy to go looking for or to find anything else at this point. I'm broken as it is. I can't focus, I have no appetite, all I want to do is confront her. I know it's probably better to wait. I feel if I put the screws to her now, she will walk and (probably wrong) I'm not sure I'm strong enough to accept that yet.

I just want to tell her she got caught and the ball is in her fucking court now. Her actions will speak louder than the worthless words, and will direct me where to go from here. I'm sick of being sick over this. I've not exposed any of this to anyone yet and don't have a clue if any of her peeps know a thing about it either. Should I? Should I just threaten her with this? Just not sure who to tell. I don't know. If I had the answers I guess I wouldn't be on here.

Hurthalo posted 2/7/2014 14:04 PM

That really sucks mate, I'm so sorry you've had to find out by being forced into detective mode. Your wife is firmly in what is known as the affair fog; she'll minimise the hell out of all of her actions in order to validate that what she is doing isn't really as bad as you are making out. She will of course be wrong.

You need to expose the affair because once it's out in the open, it will shrivel and die. Noting he is single, you can't use an ally like his wife. Use your wife's parents and your own. Tell them what is going on.

This is going to be a roller coaster mate, hang in there and hopefully your wife will come around. But there will be no chance of R until she breaks out of her fantasy land. As soon as she admits to what is going on (or your evidence becomes irrefutable...which I think it already is), make her hit the germ with a no contact letter (NC)...making sure that you know he gets it. You need all her passwords etc from now on in. She has no right to your trust and her own privacy noting she's using your marriage trust against you.

I have been through this exact same thing a few months ago. The fact that she has paraded him in front of you means that she is evidently very good at compartmentalising. Namely, she sees little wrong with what she's doing noting she has you as a stable backup. Also, I can tell you that despite her protestations, the affair will be physical. My WW trickle truthed and what was only one make out session ended up turning into 9+ (no sex) hand job sessions in public parks. Sordid details aside, your wife would not risk her marriage for an 'innocent' EA. And he wouldn't be hanging around like a bad smell if that's all it was either. Be prepared mate.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 2:12 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

scarednbroken posted 2/7/2014 14:19 PM

Yes, definitely find out more information before confronting her. Especially since she has "blown off" your concerns, and going to therapy was "difficult." Tough. It is difficult for a BS to deal with a WS. It is difficult to move past the pain and trust issues. It is difficult to forgive.

I have been "spying" and "gathering intel" for 18 years. Recently for D purposes, I have gotten more serious and systematic. I have confronted, forgiven, not forgotten, and rediscovered during my entire marriage. You will have to decide what you can tolerate. Be prepared for a PA discovery. She is babysitting his kids? Are you sure about that?

kasp posted 2/7/2014 14:43 PM

I know she was babysitting because it was at my house when I was home. I'm at a loss. Like I said, I don't know if I want to know more. What I know is enough to get me to the point where I'm ready to kick her ass out. I want to expose it to people but her family is all screwed up and right now I don't know if I can tell my family. I don't want to hurt her like that. Is that wrong? Would confiding in a close friend of hers be out of the question? I just want her to own up and do the right thing. Damn I'm all over the place. Do I tell our 22 year old son?

Brandon808 posted 2/7/2014 16:19 PM

Would confiding in a close friend of hers be out of the question?
I wouldn't advise it. If it is a close friend of hers then this friend may already know and be an enabler of the A. If you need to confide in someone then it should be a close friend of yours that you trust.
I just want her to own up and do the right thing.
Don't hold your breath. need to let go any expectations of the outcome regarding her behavior.
Do I tell our 22 year old son?
I would hold off on doing that for the moment. If things go towards D then your son will have questions that you'll have to figure out how to answer.

AppalachianGal posted 2/7/2014 16:38 PM

Only thing I'd like to add is not to tell the son yet (ultimately your choice when). My kids are almost 21, 16-1/2 and 14 and I haven't told them anything. I was going to make H tell them but then I remembered what it felt like to learn that my dad cheated numerous times on my mom. I was 26. It hurt like hell. I have told H that if they ask, I will NOT lie, but I also will not sit them down and tell them and hurt them like that. My only purpose in telling them would have been to hurt my H and ultimately, I would be hurting them more.

kasp posted 2/7/2014 22:42 PM

This site is awesome. I think she knows something is up. I know she knows she forgot to clear her history yesterday, because after I discovered it, I left and came down to work and found this site. When I got home the entire day's history had been cleared. Not sure if she knows I saw it, but she definitely knows I could have.
I went home after work today and rather than her being her tired self, she had dinner ready and cleaned the house. I think she's trying to be superwoman for a day to see if she can show her love for the family. Whatever!
I basically didn't talk to her. Ate dinner with them so I didn't give my daughter any worries and then went in our room and watched the news. I've been on this site for hours when I finally decided that I needed to get out of there before I confronted her. I'm back at work with a beer and feeling way better for the moment.
I will not tell the kids about this because I do realize there's no need to hurt them unless/until it comes to something like separation or divorce.
Again thank you all that have commented and for all the other threads I've been able to read. It's a great thing to know there's others that have unfortunately been in the same boat.

jb3199 posted 2/8/2014 06:59 AM

Kasp, I am sorry that you are here, friend.

I'm not sure I'm strong enough to accept that yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^is what you really need to focus on.

I remember that feeling clearly. And I came to this site KNOWING that I was the weakest soul to ever join here.

But those feelings will pass. They will pass when you start to respect yourself more. And that self-respect comes with holding your wife accountable for her actions. You will never "nice" her back into your marriage. Believe it or not, it is the standing up to your wife that will have the best chance of getting through.

Wayward mindsets feed on weakness. This hurts---but she has lost respect for you. If you confront her, there are (3) scenarios that I see can play out:

(1) She leaves. In your mind, you "drove her away", but later on, will realize that was the furthest from the truth.

(2) She stays, but you leave "the ball in her court", and apply no consequences. She will find another way to contact the OM, since she knows that you are weak, and in her control, and maybe(or maybe not) you catch her again later. Lather, rinse, repeat.

(3) She stays, but you apply consequences. You stand up for what is right in your marriage, and refuse to accept anything less. She either shapes up, or ships out, because you will no longer accept this behavior in your marriage.

Go with option (3). It is the hardest for you at this point mentally, but you know it to be the correct choice. YOU KNOW IT. But believe me, I know how hard it is to enforce at this point. That is why you need to focus on strengthening yourself. Detach emotionally(read 180), and learn to love yourself a little bit more.

This whole situation sucks. Your marriage(and life) have just been nuked. But the only one who can pull you out of this is yourself. It is difficult to do, but more than worth the effort.

You can do this.

This is coming from the biggest doormat to ever join here.

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