Kasp, I am sorry that you are here, friend.
I'm not sure I'm strong enough to accept that yet.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^is what you really need to focus on.
I remember that feeling clearly. And I came to this site KNOWING that I was the weakest soul to ever join here.
But those feelings will pass. They will pass when you start to respect yourself more. And that self-respect comes with holding your wife accountable for her actions. You will never "nice" her back into your marriage. Believe it or not, it is the standing up to your wife that will have the best chance of getting through.
Wayward mindsets feed on weakness. This hurts---but she has lost respect for you. If you confront her, there are (3) scenarios that I see can play out:
(1) She leaves. In your mind, you "drove her away", but later on, will realize that was the furthest from the truth.
(2) She stays, but you leave "the ball in her court", and apply no consequences. She will find another way to contact the OM, since she knows that you are weak, and in her control, and maybe(or maybe not) you catch her again later. Lather, rinse, repeat.
(3) She stays, but you apply consequences. You stand up for what is right in your marriage, and refuse to accept anything less. She either shapes up, or ships out, because you will no longer accept this behavior in your marriage.
Go with option (3). It is the hardest for you at this point mentally, but you know it to be the correct choice. YOU KNOW IT. But believe me, I know how hard it is to enforce at this point. That is why you need to focus on strengthening yourself. Detach emotionally(read 180), and learn to love yourself a little bit more.
This whole situation sucks. Your marriage(and life) have just been nuked. But the only one who can pull you out of this is yourself. It is difficult to do, but more than worth the effort.
You can do this.
This is coming from the biggest doormat to ever join here.