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41andthankful posted 2/7/2014 13:42 PM

A year out and there are a few things that still boggle my mind, please chime in if you can...
1. Why does it always seem to be an "immediate connection"? (ow words)
2. Even after an LTA, why would the ow/ap still directly relate wh's behavior (having an a) to his home life, when I could clearly see he was just being cruel and deceitful? And his behavior was because he was a shell of himself. Can they really not see the wrong in each other while doing something so wrong? Now he can see all kinds of issues.
3. My wh often calls himself scum, why didn't he feel that way while in the A? Why did it take getting caught?
4. What does 'caught up' really mean? My WH can't explain that to me when I asked why he didn't just stop the A. He did stop all contact on dday, if it were that easy, why couldn't he do it on his own?
5. Why was it so easy, they flirted for 2 weeks and then began a lta? In the almost 15 years I've known my husband, I've never even given out my number.

I know there are probably no answers, I'm just a person of logic and so understanding any of this has been very difficult. Thank you for any insight.

Ivyivy posted 2/7/2014 13:56 PM

I am 7 months out from DD and have the same questions as you. After I found out about WH's LTA(after the first hour of initial denial), I got all sorts of apologies and begging. I told him that I wanted him out of the house and that as far as I was concerned he could move in with OW. He begged to stay. Apologized profusely. Ended contact with her (as far as I know). Did the whole - I am happy that you caught me because now it is over. WTF??

I don't get it either. You would think it would feel better - but really it doesn't. At least that is my perspective now. Maybe one day it will be different.

steadfast1973 posted 2/7/2014 15:04 PM

Rock bottom.

regret12 posted 2/10/2014 21:23 PM

I just wanted to chime in about something I said to my H (who is now officially, officially a WH...he's had 2 RAs since initial DDay nine weeks ago) not long ago about "getting caught up in it".

For my part, I was really depressed and angry. My H and I had been having some significant differences sexually. He wanted "wild and adventurous" and I wanted "romance and passion". We defined these two things very differently and we weren't interested in the other's desires. I thought he was a pervert and he thought I was a prude. He was writing in his journal regularly and as we were growing distant, I snuck and read it one night. Big regret! He was talking about me not being as physically attractive as I once was (mind you all of this was twelve yrs ago...I was 25) and that he hadn't been attracted to me in a long while. I cried. I got mad. I had a male friend who would call me at work and talk and flirt. I told him about this stuff, getting the "guy's perspective". He was 15 yrs older than me, he told me my H was crazy. I was gorgeous, sexy, could have any man I wanted...etc. everything I was dying to hear and hadn't heard from my H in long, long time.

The OM and I decided to hang out one weekend and we had some drinks and made out. He was telling me how extremely sexy I was, etc. I fell hook, line, sinker...

The thing is, this guy wasn't attractive really. He was ok, but nothing like my H who is truly a gorgeous guy by any standards. It didn't matter though. This wasn't about feeling attracted TO someone. It was about feeling attracted to MYSELF, which I'm not sure I had ever really felt. My H had a long history of not really making feel attractive. Not necessarily intentional, I don't think, but just not sexy. This guy mad me...ME...feel like I was sexy. The sexiest bad girl goddess on the planet!! And I was "caught up in" that feeling. I liked being turned on by my own sexuality and having someone respond to it. My H had never really given me that in the way I needed and I'm not real sure that at 25 I really knew how to tell him that anyway.

I kind of think the caught up in it is: it happened, I'm enjoying it and compartmentalizing a lot or living two separate lives, and not sure how to stop it without either getting caught or someone getting hurt, and lastly stopping it will be hard because it's falsely feeding the ego.

Just one perspective.

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