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Judgment in Replies??

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Deeply Scared posted 2/7/2014 15:32 PM

I'm going to say you a lot, so please know this is meant in the general term and not directed at any one person.

I've been in this forum for over 10 years and in the last 2 months the influx of new WS's has been great...truly!

However, the statements of "judgmental people" "Attacked!" is irrational and nothing more than a means to deflect the real issue...your affair and inability to be accountable.

I know of just about every single infidelity support site on the internet and don't think I'm not a member of most of them I can promise you there is no where near close to how protected this forum is. If you think you're getting attacked in here...go out there and see what you're up against.

When we created the WS Forum, it was almost 2 years after SI launched. MH and I went up against our original Moderators because we felt so strongly that the internet needed a place just for WS's to help work through their issues. This particular forum is very close to our hearts.

We moderators spend an enormous amount of time on SI and much of it is in this forum protecting YOU. Not only do you have us Moderator...but you also have the ability to block BS replies by LEAVING THE STOP SIGN ICON ON. Its on by default, so if you clicked it off, then that's your deal.

Use this site for support but stop acting like a 7th grader.

Vent over.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/7/2014 15:45 PM

Can I take this opportunity to say thank you?

I know from personal experience that most moderators work on a voluntary basis, I'm assuming you do too and so, thank you for dedicating so much of your time and hard work to making this such a safe place for all of us.

Infidelity is such a hard topic to talk about, emotions will always run high but this is definitely the best site I've come across. All the members I've spoken to on here have been supportive and understanding.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:45 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

Sparkle0504 posted 2/7/2014 15:55 PM

No stop sign (lol).

BS here. I've been on SI for about 6 months and it has to be the fairest, best moderated site I've seen. This at a time when emotions are running at the highest most people will experience in their lifetimes.

Just want to say thank you. It's been the difference, for me, between coping and entering the loony bin.

Deeply Scared posted 2/7/2014 16:04 PM

You are both most welcome!

We love SI and the community here and we believe in the mission statement of healing

I'm really glad you both are here with us

Brandon808 posted 2/7/2014 16:08 PM

Ditto on BBT's 'Thank you'

As a BH I have tried to offer support on the WS forum because I never saw any remorse in my own experiences. Not just remorse but any fixing of those issues. In the case of my xww every time I have someone volunteer new information it is never good. I get no satisfaction from that. I wished (and still do wish) that she would resolve her own issues regardless of how things were left between her and I. It would be better for her, her family and most importantly her daughter (my step-daughter).

The bottom line is the purpose of SI is to help everyone heal. So thanks again.

Wayflost posted 2/7/2014 16:12 PM

Ditto to all of the above!

Deeply Scared posted 2/7/2014 16:12 PM


I feel the WS's are very lucky to have you help them in here. You along with several other BS's really go above and beyond with your support, but also constructive guidance...thank you

Ascendant posted 2/7/2014 16:17 PM

Well said, DS. What I observe, more often than not in those situations, is the new WS bristling at the wayward vets all giving them similar advice, and calling them out on logical fallacies and whatnot. The WS forum here is super protected and moderated from BS intervention, but the waywards here don't pull punches either, and I wonder sometimes if waywards who spend time in forums more...ummm.... "accommodating" to wayward behaviors are kind of shocked when the (fellow WS) vets call them out.

I know of just about every single infidelity support site on the internet and don't think I'm not a member of most of them
Lol. You ARE everywhere.

CantBeUndone posted 2/7/2014 16:20 PM

This is interesting to me. I come here TO be judged. I don't need to be coddled. I come here because sometimes I don't know if what I'm thinking is rational or fair or whatever. I need someone telling me to get my shit together. I've really never seen a thread here (granted I'm pretty new) where any hard advice wasn't given gently. I appreciate this forum and the regulars that reply here. Thank you!

ascian posted 2/7/2014 16:24 PM

The WS forum, and in particular the behavior of the regulars and moderators here, is what has kept me on SI after the initial panic feeling of D-Day had passed.

I don't post in the Wayward forum much, but the fact that it exists as it does really demonstrates that SI is about helping people heal after the trauma of infidelity.

Deeply Scared posted 2/7/2014 16:25 PM

Lol. You ARE everywhere.

I own the internet

That's a good point FP...I think you're right. WS's that are currently in their affair and come here I don't think are prepared to hear the hard truths from other WS's. That's when we're accused of drinking the kool-aid

My hope is for them to stick around or at least come back when they're more focused on ending their affair and looking inward towards healing.

Tickingtock posted 2/7/2014 16:27 PM

mrmaximum posted 2/7/2014 16:52 PM

Former BXBF and a former child who had witnessed infidelity with his parents growing up here. I dont post very often but I had to chime in to this thread. The WS forum has been instrumental in my healing despite my only being a long time lurker. When I first signed up, I was actually appalled that there was a protected forum for waywards. In fact, in my muddled thinking at the time I would actually get a little upset when I read about a BS trying to reconcile with their remorseful wandering spouse. I wanted BSs to deliver excruciating retribution with extreme prejudice and for ALL waywards to feel pain and suffer for the rest of their lives.

Then I began reading some wayward threads and started seeing the hard work and dedication they displayed while they busted their heinies. To see the effort and reflection they would put in not even knowing if their BSs would still be there a day, a week, a month, even a year later. They put in actions, expressed remorse and I had rarely seen this type of effort on any other forum before in my life.

Yes, I literally hated (strong word but 100% appropriate) any and all waywards when I got here, and that hate turned into respect when I saw the earth shattering effort so many put in. To own their sh!t, find their whys, learn about themselves, and begin to fix themselves and their marriages.

Then I noticed one more thing, just how many waywards would sign up and how many would fade away once the going got tough. That alone told me that earning an F was an extremely challenging thing to do. As the saying goes; Many are called, but the chosen are few and the amazing thing is that the chosen ones made those choices to fight through the fog and earn those Fs themselves!! I realized that it takes GUTS for a wayward to look into that mirror; to recognize what has actually happened was solely their choice despite the circumstances and decide to make a change.

When one contrasts the stories of WS learning about themselves, healing past hurts and moving past their choices against some of the stories of unremorseful waywards who run from the truth from many BSs on this site, it truly blew my mind how strong remorseful waywards on their way to earning their Fs really are. I learned (and to this day am still learning) that the only way to ever earn that F, is to acknowledge that at one point in time, one was a WS by choice.

So I guess my message to any WS who may be lurking or stung by 2 x 4s in certain threads is that if the message stings, its because it hit close to home. Examine why it stung and begin to unravel the layers. The FWS and the FWS in training here are freaking amazing and wont steer you wrong. Yeah Ive been on some other sites, and I can tell you that if you think this one is bad, there are others out there where it literally feels like they level an elephant gun at you and blast away.

The only way through this sh!t sandwich is to go through it. Running from the truth only seems easier as opposed to fixing ones issues. And to quote a saying about running from the truth; If you start running, you have to keep running, and its very tiring in the long run.

Catwoman posted 2/7/2014 16:59 PM

I "lived" through many iterations of what is now the Wayward Forum, and let me attest to all of you that DS, MH and all of the moderators past and present have poured a great deal of time, effort and experimentation into making this forum a unique healing tool for WSs.

I know I couldn't have come up with the solution that is now the Wayward Forum.


Secrets Kept posted 2/7/2014 17:18 PM

All GREAT responses & I totally agree!!!! Also want to say thank you, "deeply scared" for all your efforts.

I too need to back up your comment to "Brandon" as I have been noticing his posts as well & thinking he was giving some very good advice, so way to go Brandon. (and the others not mentioned at this time!!!)

Sad we have to have this website at all but am so glad it is here!!!

MissesJai posted 2/7/2014 17:27 PM

the new WS bristling at the wayward vets all giving them similar advice, and calling them out on logical fallacies and whatnot.
I think this is about as accurate as you can get. When your head is that far up your ass, anything that doesn't fall in line with your fucked up thinking is an "attack" or a "judgment". I'm straight, no chaser because I know that's what it took for me to wake up. No sugar coating, no coddling, none of that - just truth. Some folks just ain't ready to hear it.

LovesLaboursLost posted 2/7/2014 18:09 PM

^^^^^^^ what MJ said. Since when is it worse to call out bad behavior than to actually, ya know...BEHAVE BADLY. Thanks for this thread, DS, and everything else you do.

Want To Wake Up posted 2/7/2014 18:17 PM

For once I'll be subtle...

To Deeply♥ and all the Mods, Admins & Guides...

Jrazz posted 2/7/2014 18:50 PM


Both Crazz and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts for everything you do.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 2/7/2014 19:27 PM

I personally log onto SI darn near every single day. The very first place I go is the Wayward Forum. I consider it home base. The majority if my posting happens right here. I wish I could post more often but it just seems to take me too long to pump out short novels because I am not really short and to the point.

I couldn't be more grateful for this site and particular the WS forum. I am certain that without the support of the members here, I would be divorced today. It's pretty incredible when you think about it. Not just the moderators and guides, but the members to take time from their day to read and offer their guidance and support. This massive group of people can come together with no other motive than to get help and then return that favor. Understandably emotions can run high, but in the long run I believe we want the same outcome... To be healthy.

Some of us can get there with minor speed bumps, others (like myself) get there kicking and screaming, not always ready to hear the hard truths. But of you keep coming back, keep reading things will start to click and eventually sink in.

I log on daily to remind myself where I have come from and what I am still working towards. I appreciate all that goes into having a place to help so many people heal from infidelity.

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