SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Identity

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

NoGoodUsername posted 2/7/2014 19:55 PM

I am a champion F'n compartmentalizer. I am so good at it I don't even know I'm doing it. I'm so good at it I can fool myself into thinking I'm a real person with feelings and actually in reconciliation with my wife.

I don't know who the hell I am. Tonight I'm trying to strip away old pieces of who I need to not be. Throwing away pieces of identity that I shared with my APs. and it's going to be a lot of baggage, we were close friends for six years.
Throwing away pieces of identity that aren't useful any more and are tainted. I need to strip down and start fresh. There needs to be so little that there is nothing left to stuff away in compartments. Clear out anything that casts a shadow or creates a crack. I can't afford any more compartments.

I can't stand myself any more. I thought I was good. I thought I was honest. I'm just a shallow liar. No more. no more no more no more

sorry, I'm losing it. stepping away now

Mrs Panda posted 2/7/2014 20:49 PM

When you can finally accept the bad parts of yourself and fuse them with the good, you become genuine and whole. Then you can move forward.

SlowUptake posted 2/7/2014 21:47 PM

When you can finally accept the bad parts of yourself and fuse them with the good, you become genuine and whole. Then you can move forward.

Couldn't agree more. Acceptance of the 'nasty' is the first step on the road to change.
Good job NoGoodUsername.

seigexax posted 3/2/2014 18:53 PM

this is a good thing once you realize what needs to change in yourself and to make yourself happy with who you are then you will be better and much stronger

badchoice posted 3/2/2014 22:21 PM

I can't stand myself any more. I thought I was good. I thought I was honest. I'm just a shallow liar. No more. no more no more no more

These are great realizations. Not fun to realize this, but good that you see this.

Now that you see it, you can change it. My IC tells me that realization is an important step in changing behaviors. without self awareness, we are damed to repeat unhealthy behaviors.

Good luck!

pufferfish posted 3/4/2014 05:59 AM

Another expert compartmentalizer here, NGU. I feel your pain. It's like everything about one's self is an imitation, even when it might actually be real. It's scary. How can you tell the difference? All my life, I've had times of wondering if I'm a real person with real feelings, and feeling that I don't really exist. Like you, I became someone else with other people. It's easy to transform when it's how you learned to survive, and when your identity is unstable.

You can still be good and honest, NGU, and you probably have been - just not consistently. You can get better at being good and honest on a regular basis if you work at it, which it sounds like you are doing. You may feel like nothing more than a shallow liar right now, but I bet you're many good things besides what you've been in your worst moments. (And I bet you are harder on yourself than anyone else is.) We are all capable of great good. Just don't give up on yourself. You are worth it, okay?

I hear your pain, and I relate.

[This message edited by pufferfish at 6:00 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]

NoGoodUsername posted 3/4/2014 08:53 AM

Thank you all for the kind words. It has been nearly a month since I wrote the original message and I feel as though I am more in touch with myself and my flaws. Some healing and growth are happening, but it's not going to be instant, nor will it be painless. At least the path is getting easier to recognize when I stumble across it.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.