Another expert compartmentalizer here, NGU. I feel your pain. It's like everything about one's self is an imitation, even when it might actually be real. It's scary. How can you tell the difference? All my life, I've had times of wondering if I'm a real person with real feelings, and feeling that I don't really exist. Like you, I became someone else with other people. It's easy to transform when it's how you learned to survive, and when your identity is unstable.
You can still be good and honest, NGU, and you probably have been - just not consistently. You can get better at being good and honest on a regular basis if you work at it, which it sounds like you are doing. You may feel like nothing more than a shallow liar right now, but I bet you're many good things besides what you've been in your worst moments. (And I bet you are harder on yourself than anyone else is.) We are all capable of great good. Just don't give up on yourself. You are worth it, okay?
I hear your pain, and I relate.
[This message edited by pufferfish at 6:00 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]