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The hard work

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foundoutlater posted 2/7/2014 20:42 PM

I’ve asked a similar question a while back and the “time” seemed to be the only answer. I’m doing the “hard work”, not shutting down and finding the source of the feelings and exploring motivations and past relationships/foo. For the most part “time” has helped. I’m in a good place and pretty happy. I just can’t get past the feeling that I’m missing something.

One - so when you figure something out, like how an aspect of your FOO has a lot to do with how you respond to certain situations, how do you use that information to make changes in yourself?

I apologize that I will not be able to check in on this thread for a while, but any help is really appreciated.

rachelc posted 2/7/2014 21:41 PM

Blakesteele would have a great answer fur this. He euros hard at uncovering FOO issues and applying them in his present world.
Are you in IC? That may be a good place to ask as well

foundoutlater posted 2/8/2014 17:40 PM

Thanks Rachel. I went to IC for a while to get “stable” and get some help processing it all. I think the one I was with was perfect at that stage but lacked the tools to help me further. Maybe I need to revisit this with a new IC. I wish there were another way. With a demanding “job” and three very active kids (one who is borderline special needs) scheduling IC is a real pain. It works better if I can do it on my time. The next few months are actually impossible to schedule so I will need to sit on it a little – hopefully someone else will have some ideas.

foundoutlater posted 2/8/2014 17:49 PM

opps - wrong thread

[This message edited by foundoutlater at 5:50 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

LoveHerStill posted 2/9/2014 01:00 AM

As someone who has worked toward learning new respones to situations and interactions, the real key is to first be vigilant and work first toward simply recognizing when the situation arises. Often I respond in a knee jerk reaction before I am really aware that this is the very sitch I want to respond to differently. Once you learn to pause and think before reacting, you will be able to recognize the sitch, then respond with the corrected behavior. Recognition of when the sitch arrises is a necessary first skill then follow up with the modified response. Sounds easy. Much like learning to 180 or NC, it is a learned skill that takes time and failures to incorporate into your normal behavior. Just try to remain vigilant about watching for the sitch to arise. If you screw up, keep trying. On average it takes 21 consecutive days of active action to change a behavior or habit. Keep at it and do it long enough and you will surprise yourself.

foundoutlater posted 2/10/2014 20:25 PM

Well crap LoveHerStill, the “learn to pause” advice sounds a lot like what we teach our kids (especially the ADHD ones). Thanks for pointing out what should be the obvious next step for me. I’ve pretty much figured out how to recognize what situations they are and the underling why. Learning to pause will not fix the issue, but it will keep me from reacting and help me figure out what new responses will work. I really appreciate it. Now to learn to pause without facial expressions (like rolling the eyes). I’d better get the W on board so she does not internalize what the pause means.

LoveHerStill posted 2/11/2014 00:01 AM


Recognition of the sitch is the first key, it sounds like you can identify when this happens. What is your normal "knee jerk response" when this sitch arises? Take some time and think about what you feel when the sitch arises. Is it the way the other party presents the sitch? Or is it a long time automatic reaction due to FOO issues that you respond in the way you do? This shit is HARD to figure out. Think back to recent events when this issue played out. What was actually being discussed? What was your reaction? In looking back on it, did you respond in a patterened way? If so, what is behind that pattern? Analyze this and you will begin to see not only the pattern, but the trigger and you will then begin to see your line of thinking at the the time, and how you will need to respond in a healthy way.

Be honest and authentic with yourself. Admit and realize your own unhealthy patterns, then work toward a new approach. This shit is HARD to face and to move through, but it is necessary. Don't fall back to the victim mentality. It is so easy to do so. I did that for far to long. It damaged me and prolonged my healing. It is a black hole that is easy to justify, but it sucks the hope out of the reality that we all face.

True, we did not deserve any of this and it is wrong, wrong, wrong. We CAN choose a stronger, better way of dealing with this mess, but it is solely up to us. Yeah, we feel that we should not have to come up with the answer, that our waywards should, but in the end, it is ourselves that must face this, and not expect anyone else to "rescue" us from this personal hell that we have been forced to endure.

Gently, do a google search on "victim mentality"
and read up on that.

We HAVE been dealt a nightmare. We did not deserve it. We want to shout to the world about how much we were abused. It's all true.

At some point however, we need to decide to actually take control of OUR lives, focus on ourselves and our family, and let go of the negative feelings that we use to justify our feelings of hopelessness, despair, and the need for justice.

I can't tell you how many times I have received a 2x4 telling me to work on myself, and to take care of myself, and to just do what is good for me and to stop worrying about my XWW and the POSOM.

I sort of knew that it was good advice, but I did not really follow it. Biggest mistake I made. Huge mistake. In retrospect, If I could change the past, I would have made the personal decision to let go and work on living my life without any concern for XWW.

Recently, after returning to IC, I have followed that advice and I have realized a new reality that I never thought was possible. Choosing to focus on myself and let go of all the negativity of our PAST relationship, and focus on me and my reality right now, has been not only healing for me, but it has given me HOPE! I have not had that feeling for YEARS, YEARS!

You did not do anything to make the A happen=TRUTH

You can not do anything to fix her=TRUTH

You can choose to wallow in the pain=Dysfunction

You can choose to work on yourself and face the challenges that face you=SUCCESS

You can and will grow from this horrible experience and become a better, authentic person=AWESOME

Key=Stop it with the victim mentality, it only leads to sorrow and stagnation. Focus on you and what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family (excluding her), and you will find yourself again and never feel like a victim again!

Begin every day with this attitude, keep at it and you will soon surprise yourself.

I recommend IC for you. Be authentic and don't be afraid to talk about the truth, after all that is exactly what they specialize in. Opening up in IC has helped me more than any other advice I have ever experienced in life, including advice from my best friend, XWW, or my parents.

Keep posting, you are amoung friends here.

Peace to you friend.

ETA: spelling and grammer.

[This message edited by LoveHerStill at 12:10 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

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