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How has your family and friends reacted to your pain?

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shortchanged38 posted 2/7/2014 23:40 PM

When I first found out about my EX H A, my reaction to the A scared my family (parents and brother and sisters).

After a few months my family was like " It's been a while just get over it".

Both my family and friends thought that I was over reacting.

No one could relate to my pain.

DDay was Jan 2013.

I just D my ex H Jan 2014.

itstoomuch posted 2/8/2014 01:26 AM

My mom said other people have done this before...

My dad walked me into a divorce lawyer's office within a week.

My sister said this is your door out.

His mom said (not actually to me but I heard about it): I just don't want to lose my grandchildren over this. ?!?! (I didn't cheat!)

His dad said (yelled to my face): I'm tired of it always being about 'my name & husband's name'! No more! What have you (me) done for us?! (Still trying to cope with this after X yrs)

Most people were in so much shock they didn't know what to say. And I had to accept that even though so many people did care what was happening to me, it was just beyond anything anybody we knew had ever experienced. And tried not to hold it against them if I felt lonely. Most just didn't know how to help.

But there were a few special friends along my way who reached out despite all that & did more listening than talking & I will be forever grateful.

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 1:29 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

nomistakeaboutit posted 2/8/2014 04:34 AM

And tried not to hold it against them if I felt lonely. Most just didn't know how to help.

Short changed,

I think you're being very mature, understanding and generous when you say this ^^^^

I hope to let go of my disappointment one day, a stunned disappointment that came over me when I realized how few people reached out. I don't buy the "didn't know how to help" argument. How much empathy does it really take to understand that infidelity would be extremely painful?

I had a good, good friend, someone I've known for almost 40 years. I told him about what went down, and he tried to,get me to R with my unremorseful WW. He said, "you know, I'm death on divorce." He also told me that he hadn't called because he didn't want me to have to talk about everything. Ha!

For me, as I think it is for many people who have experienced the severe pain and trauma of infidelity, this has been a lonely journey. The bright side of it (if I must see some positive!) is that I am stronger now because of it.

One other thought. We live in an excessively busy time. I think that also has a lot to do with it.

Best to you.


marionwendy posted 2/8/2014 09:03 AM

Its almost like a disease. My sister said...oh just love him and it will get better, friends told me to leave him and then we never spoke because I chose to stay. I don't talk about it at all and find it to be one of the hardest journeys in life.

AppalachianGal posted 2/8/2014 10:03 AM

Only my sister knows in my family. I have told several friends. Not ONE of them have contacted me since asking how I was doing. I know they have their own lives. I get that. But when they were going through some rough stuff, i.e. deaths and cancer, I would text every so often just so say I'm thinking of you and ask how are you. I've always been a loner type. This has just confirmed to me that people suck.

doggiediva posted 2/8/2014 10:15 AM

I used to bounce ideas off of my sister whom I confided in..
Now I don't talk about this part of my life with her..
She thinks it is nuts that I have been biding my time and I feel that she and her hubby have begun to judge me as wacky, weird or weak..

My sister and hubby are wealthy..

At this point in time I am Ramen Noodle poor trying to get in a better position to D without having to support my WH in his new single life (read my back story)

My sister and brother in law both think I should have D'd a while back ..I don't think either realize the logistical/legal/financial ramifications of leaving before one is ready to..

Even though both love me and are good to me, I think my sister and BIL regard me as being overcome with a disease they don't want to catch..

itstoomuch posted 2/8/2014 10:16 AM

I do think some of the hardest parts in this journey are the things other people said to me.

But I was also blessed by some wonderful things people said and did too in all this.

And it wasn't always the people I thought who'd respond like they did. Had to learn to accept who was strong enough and who wasn't strong enough to go outside themselves to reach out (or just say the right things). For instance.... A school bus driver from my high school (graduated MANY yrs ago & I don't even live in same district now!) randomly stopped by with a fresh baked pie and said some words of encouragement soon after our stuff hit. Wasn't expecting that for sure, but that was one of the biggest blessings to me.

Not that it hasn't been a struggle.... It is hard. Usually the ones closest to us can't relate to the pain. Unfortunately the pain doesn't stop with the A... But it does make us stronger for sure like nomistakeaboutit said! Be encouraged there are those of us here that have experienced & can relate to the lonely journey theses paths take us on...

RealityStinks posted 2/8/2014 10:45 AM

Mom - she has ALS and is bed bound, can't speak, can't move on her own, but she can still move her mouth. She can't talked because she is on a ventilator, so I have to read her lips. She's been awesome. She's listened to me, and given me advice that I treasure. Her first husband left her for another woman completely out of the blue. He just walked in one day and said "This is OW, I'm going to California with her." She understands what I'm going through.

Dad - he's been an asshole most of my life. But, he has shown compassion through this that I didn't even know he was capable of showing. For the first time during my 29+ years on this planet, he told me that he cared about me and wanted me to be happy. Maybe that's part of the silver lining to all of this.

Aunt - rock star. She's listened to me hash things out for hours on end. She's just been awesome, and calls everyday to check on me if I don't call her first.

Sister - pissed at my WW. She has her own life and is busy, but she checks in.

Best friend - he told me to leave my WW in college after she cheated on me one summer break. I should have listened to him then. He has never one time said "I told you so." He's given me sound advice as well. He's been here before to. His long time, live-in GF bought a new car and the salesman at the same time. So, he understands. But, I can tell he's getting a little tired of hearing about it. Not in a mean way, but in a "I'm not going to stand around and watch my best friend get hurt again because he won't pull his head out of his ass". He's been my best friend since we were 2, and I expect we'll be best friends for the rest of our lives.

Other friends of mine - I haven't gone into a lot of detail with them. The guys in the office know because I wanted them to be aware of why I was preoccupied most of the time. Bible study group has been praying for us, but I haven't told them all the details. Truthfully, I don't think most of them really know what to say because it hasn't really happened to them.

Mutual friends - they've stayed out of it. I told some of them that my WW "would not stop talking to OM". I'm starting to find out who was my friend and who was her friend. One couple that I thought were my friends too, invited WW and OM to a SMALL Super bowl party at their house.

Her family - buried their head in the sand because WW "would never do that". She can keep them.

Her brother - also a cheat. Had the audacity to take me to lunch and question me about being a bad husband, was WW really having an A, and told me what I needed to do to win her back. Then, a few weeks later I find out he has been cheating on his wife for years with multiple OW. What a hypocrite.

SIL - nice to talk to because we can relate. She knows I feel, and visa versa. She is in the middle of a D right now to for obvious reasons stated above. She found out in September, and then sent a text to everyone in her phone letting them know.

One thing that an A will show you is who your true friends are. That's for sure.

Uhtred posted 2/8/2014 11:22 AM

It's funny that you find our who your real friends are when something like this happens. No one can understand unless they've been in the same position. It's the cruelest thing one person can do to another.

I have some really good friends and they immediately came and picked me up and told me they were there for whatever I needed. My in laws have been the best support for me. I would've never imagined that they would come to me and tell me that they respected me and respected whatever decision I would make concerning this. Of course they said that they wished to see me reconcile with their daughter.

Iron sharpens iron and those friends that have been there for me are like iron for me to rub up against. I thank my lucky stars for them.

I have had the occasional "its time to move on" from a few family members but I guess in their mind they were trying to help me.

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