BS: me 44 (then 42)
WH: 50 (then 48)
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
He has shown no remorse or attempt at R since the day he moved out which was 2 days after DDay.
This is what I experienced, too, and it has helped me firmly believe that I did the right thing. In theory, if I had stayed with my xWW, my kids would have seen a different me. They would have seen my frustration with my XWW's attitude and behavior (lying, cheating, no remorse) Now, they see me as me, at peace with myself and happy.
So, how do you get through the weekends without your kids? You learn to do it. It's unfair to you and them, but you can learn to deal with it, as long as your H is being good to them when they are with him. You can accept that this was forced onto you and them, and you can (hopefully) successfully coparent. And, you will hopefully start to see some of the positives. I'll post a list of the positives I have started to see, if it would be helpful.
What are your custody arrangements and are you comfortable with them?
[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 4:52 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]
I get how you would feel like you are being punished, and feel like he should be the one punished. He did this and ended his family, not you.
After a while it will get easier.
This is the time to do all the things you wanted to do, but couldn't because you were too busy taking care of his sorry ass ...There must be some activities you used to do that stopped after M and kids. Try something new. Join a gym, a hiking club, a cycling club, craft club, photography club, whatever it is you enjoy. Keep busy. Take a class. Make a plan with some friends. Do something for YOU!
Obviously it's the first weekend and you probably don't feel like doing any of this yet, but make it a promise to yourself that your next weekend without them, you will have a plan. For you!
I need to be confidant my girls are safe before ilet them go.. Not with him.... But with the roommate
I'll post a list about the positive things
ID,ove to read it, if you have the time
When my 1st husband and I split, I took the time without my children and made it into a fest of exercise (I adore swimming and had little time for it with my small son around), super long walks with my dog, coffee/drinks with friends, etc, etc) and getting my nails done - I'd never done that before.
Apart from how it made me feel, my kids also got a refreshed and smiling mum greeting them when they came home
I remember my first weekend with them at their Dad's and it seemed like an eternity, but so long as where they are going is indeed safe, it's more than ok to start to enjoy a little "me" time and see it as less of a punishment. It does suck, but it also gets better.
It is a shock, but time will eventually help...
Here's my list of positive things about having your kids be away part of the time.
But first! Let me just affirm your statement that this "SUCKS", because it does. There is plenty of room for anger and disappointment in all of this, because we didn't get married and have children with the expectation that it would turn out like this.
But, it has turned out like this, and it wasn't our doing.
(For the record, my xWW has the kids three weekends per month. I have them the rest of the time. So, my list of positives is based completely from my point of view (my children's ages, my custody arrangement, my circumstances, etc.)
1. KIDS NEED THEIR MOTHER AND FATHER: My children are young (ages 4 and 7). They need and deserve some time with their mother. The weekends that they spend with her are important for their emotional health. If at any point I felt like they were not being nurtured, or weren't receiving love, or weren't being well-cared for by my xWW, I would feel differently. But, as it turns out, she is actually being a better mother now than she ever was when we were married. (She was never very maternal and the kids drained her more than energized her. Now, in short bursts, it just seems to work better for her…….and the kids. She's more present now, would be another way to say it.)
2. A CHANGE IS AS GOOD AS A REST:
My kids seem to be comfortable with spending the weekends with their mother. They still have consistency and predictability, because it is a set schedule. But this "change" from being at my house to being at their mother's house seems to be positive for them, in many ways, a lot like the old saying, "A change is as good as a rest."
3. WE GET TO MISS EACH OTHER.
This may sound odd, but we do get to miss each other, but JUST a little bit. When I pick them up on Sunday afternoon, they are really happy to see me, and I'm really happy to see them. We have missed each other a bit, but not too much.
4. THEY GET TO SEE THAT I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM. This may seem a bit counter intuitive, but hear me out on this one. My xWW left our family when my son was 2 and my daughter was 5. She moved out. Point blank. She had no remorse, etc. We divorced quickly, like you are doing. The bottom line is that my children had to see their mother leave them. By me taking them to their mothers on the weekend and then returning to pick them up week after week after week after week, they get to learn that I am reliable as a parent, I am always there for them and I will NEVER, EVER, EVER leave them. I tell them this, and I show them in many different ways. I love my children the way a parent is supposed to love their children.
5. BEST OF BOTH WORLDS.
I believe that my children have a better home environment without my wife at home with us. She didn't contribute much, really. She just wasn't a very good mother. But, as I mentioned before, she is now a better mother. So, the kids get to experience her on better terms. When they are at home with me, they get to see a better me, because I'm not having to deal with my xWW not being a good mother, being selfish, spending too much money, making bad decisions, etc. They do get the best of both of us now, although I would never have even considered this as a way to get there, if you will.
6. I GET A REST.
When Friday afternoon rolls around, I'm about spent. I get to rest a bit, wash clothes, clean the house, buy groceries, mow the lawn, watch a movie other than Troto or Dora the Explorer or Jake and the Neverland Pirates. I can catch up on some work, take my time reading on the SI web site and writing a post or two, both very therapeutic for me, and one day, I might even do something fun again! First things first, though. I'm still in survival mode, in many respects, but I am surviving.
7. THE KIDS ARE GETTING TO LIVE IN THE TRUTH You know the old thing about a couple waiting until their kids get out of high school or college before the couple gets a divorce? They do that "for the kids". I just talked with someone on Friday and shared with her my story of my wife's infidelity and our subsequent divorce. She told me that her parents didn't divorce until she was 27 years old and it was DEVASTATING to her. She has had to recalibrate her entire life, because she realizes she was not living in a truthful environment. She said she thought it was a blessing to my children that this happened so early in their lives, and I agree. (That is, if it had to happen, now is better than later.) The kids are getting to see me for who I am and their mother for who she is, in an authentic environment. ONE DAY, they are going to learn the truth about what their mother did and why she and I were divorced. Even if we didn't tell them, they would find out. They just would. But, I am going to be sure that they know, and I am already planning how to handle that conversation with them. It will be painful for them to learn that their mother did what she did, but it is one of my biggest challenges in life right now, as I see it, to help mitigate the impact that has on them. Having them spend time with her on the weekends will help them learn who she really is, and I believe will help them handle everything better, when they do find out. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm hopeful that I'm right.
So, IamSoBlind, are you buying any of this?! It's truly how I feel. I wouldn't bullshit you about that.
I am so sorry you are hurting and missing your kids. You didn't deserve this and neither did they. I do truly believe though, that there are some positives in it.
Best to you,
Just got back from breakfast with a friend and I am going to get a facial later this afternoon and go to a cooking class tonight.
My WH has kids 1 full week and a weekend each month. I have the rest. I have already planned a trip for the first full week. When I get back I start a new job so I won't always be able to jet away but at least the first one will be easier.
The first weekend is the absolute toughest! I had a "first" weekend many years ago when H walked out on us without much warning. We had been married about 7 years at the time and had two small kids. I honestly am still confused and think there is more to that story than I ever found out about or that he would admit to (we are still M after is last EA in 2009).... anyway......
That first weekend was sooooo lonely for me. I didn't communicate at all that weekend with anyone other than my sister, and that was short. A neighbor took me out for a drink (insisted)and then I sat in the house and was alone sitting up in the living room lost and lonely. I didn't sleep at all.... I was not even tired... I think I was in shock and didn't know what to do. I never told him about that night.... how horribly lonely and missing him I was... we did manage to R after that, but I wish I knew the entire story.
The fact that you are able to function at all is amazing to me! You are one strong woman to me to be able to do anything other than sit on the floor curled up in the fetal position.