I haven't gone out at all since he cheated because I wanted to work on reconciliation. But he has gone out 3 times. Dday was Jan 2.
I just don't know what I should do? Any advice?
[This message edited by EB1541 at 11:54 PM, February 7th (Friday)]
My blunt advice would be to consult an attorney about your rights and next steps. You say that you are contemplating divorce. He is disrespecting you terribly. So why are we having this conversation in the Reconciliation forum? I know that having a little one makes this so complicated, but you want the father of your children to show you some baseline respect, which you are NOT getting.
180 means taking back your energy and your power. Don't just pretend like you don't care - you need to GET to that point. You shouldn't be in R if you're the only one there. You're giving him so much leeway - it doesn't sound like he's just going to magically come around. I'm so sorry, EB. You gotta take care of YOU now.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:04 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]
I bumped a couple threads in JFO that will hopefully help you, if you haven't read them already:
Understanding the 180
Before you say Reconcile
You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Just take everything in little steps. You are going to be ok! (((EB)))
You need to stop worrying about him. You need to decide if him going out so frequently is something you are willing to accept. If you are, then there isn't a problem. If you aren't you need to tell him that you will not accept this. If he won't stop, you have your answer.
Your boundaries are what you need, not his compliance. It doesn't sound like you know if his going out is ok or not. If it's not, then tell him. Don't fight, don't beg or plead. Just tell him that it's not acceptable. If he won't change, the ball is in your court.
I don't have much to say about the 180, but I wanted to share with you my experiences with a SO that goes out.
After d-day last march, WBF did not go out for weeks, even months, unless 1) I was with him or 2) I gave him permission. Other than that, he spent every weekend with me, scarified his buddies for rebuilding our relationship, etc.
Now that it's almost a year later, he goes out, but it's either 1) with me or 2) updating me throughout the night. Without asking, I'll get texts from him telling me where he is with his buddies, what they're doing tonight, etc. Sometimes I express that I don't feel comfortable with it, and he'll come home immediately.
This is coming from an extremely remorseful WBF. It doesn't sound like your H is committing to R. Gone out three times since d-day? He should have been with you 24/7 to try and make it work.
You shouldn't have to act like you "don't care" otherwise he won't care either. I was on my boyfriend's ass about him going out, so he knew just how much he had hurt me. His infidelity affected not only our relationship and myself, but his social life as well.
Aim higher, honey.
Sorry I am so blunt, but for me that is just not acceptable behavior.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:39 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]
If he's not trying to R with you, then you need to stop acting and start putting the principals of the 180 into full effect for YOU and YOU alone. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012