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Newest Member: Herself (45715)

User Topic: What hurts more the lying or the actual cheating?
shortchanged38
♀ 42402
Member # 42402
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the lying and actual cheating made up 100% of your pain........what percentages would you assign to each?

I'll start.

70% Lying.
30% Actual cheating.

How about you?


Me 38
WS 36
OW Co-worker
A lasted 2 years total
DDay #1 1-3-13
DDay #2 4-15-13
D 1-10-14

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2014
iamsoblind42
♀ 42022
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

80% lying
20% cheating


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

60% lying
40% cheating


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 513 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
ProbableIceCream
♂ 37468
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99% lying, 1% cheating.

I cared about the physical act because what it implied about the mental state.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 846 | Registered: Nov 2012
Rainbows
♀ 39362
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

90% Lying
10% Cheating

I think initially it was the cheating, but it was quickly overrun by the lying.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 414 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
rbf1234
♀ 39471
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

100% Lying.

Without lying, it's not cheating. Honest, mutually agreed upon open relationships don't constitute cheating.

Just because my husband didn't speak the lie to my face (before Dday - there was plenty of that during false R) didn't mean he wasn't lying. When he left the marriage emotionally, and didn't bother to tell me, that was the beginning of the lie.

I thought I was in a marriage. He acted as if he wasn't. That was the lie.


Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
itstoomuch
♀ 42301
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99% lying
1 %

I can be convinced OP long gone, but it's hard convince myself that the lying is over.


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2014
william
41986
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the cheating is really bad and hurts me alot but the lies are worse, by far. they make me doubt everything ever in our marriage. they make me wonder what is true and what wasnt/isnt. they make me doubt her.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 582 | Registered: Jan 2014
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just going to start this out saying I'm different and it is probably 95% for the cheating, 5% for the lying. But when expressing my thoughts, I changed my mind somewhat so I'm rewriting the whole thing.

Lying about cheating is a special kind of lie, different than other lies and can't be completely separated into a compartment like that IMO. As far as lying in general, I feel all humans lie or say things in a way (or don't say them) to decieve sometimes, even people who claim 100% honesty do this sometimes IMO.

100% Lying.
Without lying, it's not cheating.
This is a quote I hear a lot and while I agree to some extent that lying about cheating could not occur if one was not cheating.

With all that said, when it comes to love, I am a very selfish woman and will not share. This is the reason I was going to consider assigning a much higher percent to the actual cheating (acts with OW, talking affectionate talk with her, giving her affection that belongs to me, the feelings involved, etc.) is because I can't bear to think of my man giving any of himself to another woman in that way. If he was "honest" about his desire and intent to do so, I cannot imagine that would make me feel a whole lot better about it.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 1:53 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]


Posts: 5774 | Registered: Apr 2006
totallyconfused1
♀ 42030
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the lying is worse.

Probably 80% lying, 20% cheating.

I think had I not found out on my own and my ws came to me and said "I fucked up and I'm sorry" instead of seeing that look on his face that I know is lying when I first confronted him, for me, it would be easier to forgive.


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In terms of sheer agony, the cheating hurt worst, to me.

But the lying is what ended my marriage. It was the most intolerable, long-term.

I could have gotten past the cheating. The lack of respect and responsibility reflected by the lying just killed everything.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9014 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
StuckinNJagain
♂ 42140
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

while the thought of the physical acts makes me sick to my stomach, the constant thought of betrayal is overwhelming at times. I am think my WW wants to reconcile but I am having such a hard time with the broken trust issue. I feel my giving total trust to WW was used against me. I have always made sure WW had my passwords and such and never even questioned her on anything. I dont know if I will ever be able to do that again.


BH-46 (me)
WS-44
DD-16
DS-12
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
marionwendy
♀ 41303
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Id have to say 90% lying 10% cheating. Although the physical aspect bothers me its all the lies that led to that act. It feels like for the 6 months they were in contact that our marriage was all a sham. Im now struggling with whether I can stay or even trust him again. Its almost to much for a brain to handle.


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 222 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it's impossible to separate the two. The whole thing is one ugly, mind-bending series of acts. I couldn't say which was worse, because they are the same thing.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
cantbelieve
♀ 22028
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actual DDay, it was cheating. During the 6 months between Dday1 and Dday2, it was the lying.


Me: BS (58)
Him: WS (59)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(20)
Married 29 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
lostandhopless
♂ 41568
Member # 41568
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point I have to agree with Painfulpast..Although that could always change as I move further along..


Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....

Divorced 6/13/14


Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2013
strangeasfiction
♂ 42160
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm tempted to say 100% lying and 0% cheating. In my case, though, the sex part of it has lifelong consequences. Otherwise, I could get past the PA. Now I have no idea what the %'s would be. It will take a lifetime to find out.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Sparkle0504
♀ 40379
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with this

I could have gotten past the cheating

But the lying, lying, lying has really made it so much worse.

60% Lying
40% Cheating.

Now he just lies to himself.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

100% Lying

If my WW had gone to Vegas without me for whatever reason, had to much to drink, gotten screwed by some guy, come home, shown true remorse, and assured me it would never happen again, I could get over that. That's a HUGE mistake, but it's forgivable.

But lying to my face time and time again, only admitting (sort of) to what I could prove, making my feel crazy, and consciously choosing to do all of it, I can't get over that. The sex was just part of the lying. If you can't trust them at all, who cares who they're sleeping with.

Many of our WS's had sex before we met them. It may bother us, but we don't hold it against them. So, it's not the sex that bothers us, it's their mental state as it regards to us that bothers us.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
movingbackwards
♀ 40612
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

95% lying. 5% cheating.

I know that the cheating is not occurring anymore, but I still see him as a dishonest, untrustworthy person and that's the thing that has me in limbo.


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 61
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