Topic: What hurts more the lying or the actual cheating?
Member # 42402
| Posted: 12:11 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
If the lying and actual cheating made up 100% of your pain........what percentages would you assign to each?
30% Actual cheating.
How about you?
A lasted 2 years total
DDay #1 1-3-13
DDay #2 4-15-13
Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42022
| Posted: 12:12 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...
BS: me 44 (then 42)
WH: 50 (then 48)
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
Posts: 237 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
Member # 40605
| Posted: 12:37 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day
Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 37468
| Posted: 12:40 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
99% lying, 1% cheating.
I cared about the physical act because what it implied about the mental state.
Posts: 881 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 39362
| Posted: 12:51 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
I think initially it was the cheating, but it was quickly overrun by the lying.
There is always a rainbow after every storm.
Posts: 415 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 39471
| Posted: 1:08 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
Without lying, it's not cheating. Honest, mutually agreed upon open relationships don't constitute cheating.
Just because my husband didn't speak the lie to my face (before Dday - there was plenty of that during false R) didn't mean he wasn't lying. When he left the marriage emotionally, and didn't bother to tell me, that was the beginning of the lie.
I thought I was in a marriage. He acted as if he wasn't. That was the lie.
Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 42301
| Posted: 1:08 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
I can be convinced OP long gone, but it's hard convince myself that the lying is over.
While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'
Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 41986
| Posted: 1:10 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
the cheating is really bad and hurts me alot but the lies are worse, by far. they make me doubt everything ever in our marriage. they make me wonder what is true and what wasnt/isnt. they make me doubt her.
me - bh
her - lara01
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
Posts: 1561 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 10347
| Posted: 1:49 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
I was just going to start this out saying I'm different and it is probably 95% for the cheating, 5% for the lying. But when expressing my thoughts, I changed my mind somewhat so I'm rewriting the whole thing.
Lying about cheating is a special kind of lie, different than other lies and can't be completely separated into a compartment like that IMO. As far as lying in general, I feel all humans lie or say things in a way (or don't say them) to decieve sometimes, even people who claim 100% honesty do this sometimes IMO.
Without lying, it's not cheating.
This is a quote I hear a lot and while I agree to some extent that lying about cheating
could not occur if one was not cheating.
With all that said, when it comes to love, I am a very selfish woman and will not share. This is the reason I was going to consider assigning a much higher percent to the actual cheating (acts with OW, talking affectionate talk with her, giving her affection that belongs to me, the feelings involved, etc.) is because I can't bear to think of my man giving any of himself to another woman in that way. If he was "honest" about his desire and intent to do so, I cannot imagine that would make me feel a whole lot better about it.
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 1:53 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]
Posts: 6589 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 42030
| Posted: 5:23 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
For me, the lying is worse.
Probably 80% lying, 20% cheating.
I think had I not found out on my own and my ws came to me and said "I fucked up and I'm sorry" instead of seeing that look on his face that I know is lying when I first confronted him, for me, it would be easier to forgive.
Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014
Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 30989
| Posted: 7:29 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
In terms of sheer agony, the cheating hurt worst, to me.
But the lying is what ended my marriage. It was the most intolerable, long-term.
I could have gotten past the cheating. The lack of respect and responsibility reflected by the lying just killed everything.
BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn
Posts: 15188 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 42140
| Posted: 8:14 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
while the thought of the physical acts makes me sick to my stomach, the constant thought of betrayal is overwhelming at times. I am think my WW wants to reconcile but I am having such a hard time with the broken trust issue. I feel my giving total trust to WW was used against me. I have always made sure WW had my passwords and such and never even questioned her on anything. I dont know if I will ever be able to do that again.
Married 17 yrs. Together 26
Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
Member # 41303
| Posted: 8:43 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
Id have to say 90% lying 10% cheating. Although the physical aspect bothers me its all the lies that led to that act. It feels like for the 6 months they were in contact that our marriage was all a sham. Im now struggling with whether I can stay or even trust him again. Its almost to much for a brain to handle.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.
Posts: 260 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Member # 41038
| Posted: 8:46 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
For me, it's impossible to separate the two. The whole thing is one ugly, mind-bending series of acts. I couldn't say which was worse, because they are the same thing.
DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband
Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 22028
| Posted: 8:52 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
Actual DDay, it was cheating. During the 6 months between Dday1 and Dday2, it was the lying.
Me: BS (60)
Him: WS (61)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
Married 31 years
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again
Posts: 1108 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
Member # 41568
| Posted: 8:55 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
At this point I have to agree with Painfulpast..Although that could always change as I move further along..
Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....
Posts: 144 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 42160
| Posted: 10:40 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
I'm tempted to say 100% lying and 0% cheating. In my case, though, the sex part of it has lifelong consequences. Otherwise, I could get past the PA. Now I have no idea what the %'s would be. It will take a lifetime to find out.
Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR
Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40379
| Posted: 10:47 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
Totally agree with this
I could have gotten past the cheating
But the lying, lying, lying has really made it so much worse.
Now he just lies to himself.
Me 46 (BS) Him 54 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
His addiction is more important than me...and him. Divorcing.
Posts: 372 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Member # 41457
| Posted: 10:56 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
If my WW had gone to Vegas without me for whatever reason, had to much to drink, gotten screwed by some guy, come home, shown true remorse, and assured me it would never happen again, I could get over that. That's a HUGE mistake, but it's forgivable.
But lying to my face time and time again, only admitting (sort of) to what I could prove, making my feel crazy, and consciously choosing to do all of it, I can't get over that. The sex was just part of the lying. If you can't trust them at all, who cares who they're sleeping with.
Many of our WS's had sex before we met them. It may bother us, but we don't hold it against them. So, it's not the sex that bothers us, it's their mental state as it regards to us that bothers us.
Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 40612
| Posted: 11:19 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014|
95% lying. 5% cheating.
I know that the cheating is not occurring anymore, but I still see him as a dishonest, untrustworthy person and that's the thing that has me in limbo.
You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!
Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
|Topic Posts: 61|