Yep ,its true we can't beat out past it is what it is. And I am not trying minimize it or lessen or be flippant. It's the truth. It's part of us, and its a part of us that will always make us feel guilty and ashamed rightly so, and Its a past that some BH can not see past and actually I believe that consequence is fair and acceptable, if they need to be done to be healthy its good. And we have to accept that.
At 6 months my BH was angry but kept it contained, he will not do IC and MC thinks is nuts. I need to be fixed not him. At this time, I have set that aside. He is needing to heal. He is an introvert, so does a lot of self talk. pretty logical thinking. Not use to the emotions.
So when they come they are explosive, crawl in the corner and make me want to hide and never be me again. Noone else in my life can or has made me feel worse about myself than he can,and even my own thoughts have been better. But that is the pain the intensity of the hurt I brought on him.
So I accept it, it has faded and it seems to go in cycles, so just remember to breathe ,until he actual walks out that door I believe and feels it may be the hurt talking.
Keep talking here, the BS and WS have helped me through days of down hill spiral and thru my BH pain.
As to getting a job. Wow difficult one. I fight this one too, I am a SAHM who does work from home, I a nail technician do artificial nails etc. USe to own a day spa before the kids allways felt and believed I HAD to support myself, to a harmful thought pattern, if I didn't I was worthless, more FOO issues. Now with having my affairs I realized that they were very selfish only me thoughts, even my children were in harms way and still are because of it. This struggle for making sure I was independent harmed them as well cause in a way, I was resentful for my husband working away and having a sick child that I couldn't work or own my spa, and Ialso couldn't feel worthy.
One of the things my BH and I talked about right after is this , and my realization (called a kick in the head and getting my ASS out of my HEad((ps I mean that way)that my family is my priority and I am actually good at it.
Now some times there is high and low risks, I think that's what they are called, that shows your remorse your ability to be vulnerable and wiling ness to do what needs to be done to help heal your BH. One of mine, is to NOT take an outside job at this time, I am not because I want to be all in. I wantto stay vulnerable and show my BH that I believe him when he tells me he wants to be here, even after he has been angry for days , I want to believe him when we have fought and I am unsure if he will be here in the next hour or if he will even come home from working away. He also does not want me to get a job.
Focus on something your building together, we worked on our acerage, we grew a garden for the first time together, and I mean together, we turned it over, we planted it, watered it, harvested and canned it all together. It was like watching life start.
I am sure you know your husband. Find something you can do together and start it . Yourself if you have too.
As for the dating etc, and passwords, Mine did the exactly the same, In fact had started to see if my AP XW who was WS herself wanted to get together and fix her itch as she so nicely emailed to my BH. SO I get those fears too. I gave my BH hallpasses. They have never been used. and the online account has been cancelled and he now shares his passwords.
We've been at this for 16months now. Is happy ,no, is it ok, getting there, is it a rollercoaster, everyhour some days and sometimes it balanced.
Breath, relax, breath again, THe heart is important , and so is hope , keep that going, at the same time is using logic. See the world from your BH eyes and heart. WHat would you want if it was the other way around
Good luck its still really early, just breath and read , go to IC focus on your why's and don't worry so much about tomorrow it will keep you in panic mode.