My BH is gone again. As usual, he left on Friday. A few days before that too, he was gone for a business trip. I just feel so lonely, I miss him so bad, it's as if I havent seen him for years I went back to blaming myself again.. pointing a finger at myself again and cursing myself how stupid I have been for hurting him.
I feel like Im falling into depression.. help! what do you do in times like this?
Instead of blaming yourself, have you tried analyzing why you did what you did? Are you in IC? Are you working on you?
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions. Original D-Day was in 2008. My lies about my sexual addiction and STD lasted for another 5 years.
helplessme - I feel like Im falling into depression.. help! what do you do in times like this?
Falling into the guilt/shame/self-anger trap is a common thing for the WS to fall into. Hell, I'm 5 years out and I still find myself falling into that trap even now. But as LF has said, doing this does not help healing at all. It doesn't help us as individuals and it sure doesn't help the marriage.
So, what can you do to stop this?
Get active. Find a physical activity that requires a certain degree of mental focus. That means, bowling instead of mindlessly watching TV. That means getting the body tired and sweaty and full of adrenaline and positive ions!
Stay focused on healing. Schedule a book reading. Journal. Learn a new hobby that stretch your boundaries. Get involved in community events. hard to become depressed when you are attending a knitting class or volunteering in the library.
Get social. One of the biggest causes of feeling alone and powerless is the actual act of being alone. Stop being alone. Get your BBF over. Have some social interaction even if that is simply saying hi to neighbors when walking teh block 5 times. LOL
And perhaps, see a doctor. While I don't encourage taking pills to solve all of life's problems, depression is a medical condition and it can be treated. Talk to your doctor. If not meds, then perhaps you can get directed to resources within your community that can help.
Now, I fall into this trap quite a bit and I have to be very careful not to. Activity, Bake, canning, gardening, new shows interior decoration, learn how to artificial nails, one stroke art painting. All of these are hobbies projects that allow creativity and hope , and things you make that turn into beauty. its amazing how that new darck black chocolate cake you found on google taste and makes you feel pride when you take that first bite. or the rearrangement of your living room (needs to be pretty drastic for my BH to notice) that does not include paint. How refreshing it feels or the cleaned out linen closet or kitchen cupboards. I took some my spiral time and cleaned out my closet. Get rid of anything that reminds you give it to your salvation army,
Clean out that basement, how about the fridge. I cleaned out under my three bathroom sinks, wow! youhave to stay busy when you feel yourself go. I found if I did I still kept processing, and thinking and crying, but I wasn't immobilized which is huge. one step in front of the other.
Make a list to accomplish one job a day then two. Keep moving. If you fall stand back up.
Onto loneliness, my therapist tell me the reason I feel so lonely is because in those moments I am ALONE WITH MY BROKEN SELF. It's amazing when you think about it, but I don't like myself. I don't like the person I've grown up to become, I don't like the person that betrayed my wife, I don't like the father that set the worst example ever for my children. And when I'm alone with that guy, it hurts bad.
So in addition to all the great feedback above (for example, I joined a yoga club), those lonely moments are the ideal time for self-reflection. Healing for a WS involves a lot of self-reflection and there is no better time that when you're alone to start understanding why you're not comfortable in your own skin, why was the A necessary to feel whole, why the constant pursuit of distractions in life, etc. why? why? why?
Being lonely is the perfect time to figure out why. For what's worth...
Thank you for replying
I am still finding the "why" of my A. May have to do with my childhood too. I am working on it, thank you.
I am not on IC. As I have relayed in my past posts, my BH is quite known in our location. He doesn't want me to consult "anyone". It would be a big blow on him, he said.
Thank you for the wonderful suggestions. I have resolved within myself, though, not to spend too much time being out, especially when my BH is not home. I just don't want him to doubt me again. Besides, I don't know why, I haven't been keen on going out of the house since that fateful day
I admire you girl!
And you have brilliant ideas on keeping busy. You don't even have to leave home!
I am not too engrossed on being lonely when I am at work. I keep myself busy with my tasks. It's on the weekends when I am left alone when I get lonely, having to think about the A, why my BH have to leave, etc etc
Thank you for reminding me that I should be grateful that my BH kept me home. There is a twist in that though. He told me bluntly that I should thank him he did not throw me out
Indeed when I am alone, I feel my brokeness even more. Lots of questions ringing in my head as to why I did what I did. I used to be a confident woman, so proud of being me. Now I look down at myself, I don't like me
Thank you guys! ((hugs)) to you all!