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BrokenButTrying posted 2/8/2014 11:33 AM

Ok, so BH and the OM have mutual friends (although they don't actually know each other, they know of each other IYKWIM?)

BH and I have been invited to a party tonight. There is a possibility the OM will be there. I am obviously not going but BH says he is. He's saying if the OM is there he won't 'be able to control himself'. He says he wants to 'kick the shit' out of OM.

Now, while I don't condone violence, I couldn't give a stuff what happens to the OM but I really don't think beating him up will help my BH. Being arrested, having a criminal record really won't do him any favours in his career or personal life. He's depressed as it is but I worry the consequences of this will make things worse.

I cannot talk to him, he is really wound up this evening and anything I say seems to make him more determined. What the hell do I do???!!!

Unagie posted 2/8/2014 11:41 AM

Be honest. Tell him how sorry you are that your choices have brought the two of you to this moment. Explain you are afraid for his well being if he decided to go and fight. Then step back. Just lime he could not control your choices, neither can you control his. If he wants to fight he will and he needs to understand that while the situation may not exist if not for your actions how he responds is 100% on him. He is choosing to go knowing he may fight, he is choosing this path, and you have been honest with him.

Ascendant posted 2/8/2014 11:43 AM

You can't really do anything, honestly. I'm not saying that it's smart for your BH to beat the snot out of OM (though, I think it probably is justified, IMO), if he's intent upon it happening I don't know how much you could do.

Being arrested, having a criminal record really won't do him any favours in his career or personal life.
This is probably the best route you can take, is to try to have him understand this...if you guys have kids, try to ask him how he'd feel having his kids know he's in jail....but given that he doesn't seem willing to listen to you, maybe you can have one of his sensible, male friends try to talk him down? I don't know if you've told anyone about the affair, but you might just have to take a big bite out of the shit sandwich and tell someone he'll listen to, if it means keeping him out of the clink.

floridaredman posted 2/8/2014 11:48 AM

Do any of your parents or relatives know of the affair and live nearby? He has been keeping this bottled up and now he wants to release it on one of the culprits. Since he won't listen to you, you have to find someone he will listen to. His plan (if he goes through with it) will get him arrested.

LosferWords posted 2/8/2014 11:56 AM

This is a tough call. I'd be willing to bet that he has some resentment about the fact that he can't just go to this party and enjoy himself without having to even think about OM. I'm sure that adds fuel to the fire as well. There's a big part of me that wants to encourage your husband to go to this party, to reclaim his territory, and to have a good time with his friends, since he is not the one in the wrong. On the same token, if he feels like he can't control himself if the OM shows up, perhaps he shouldn't go. The consequences of him kicking the shit out of OM could be very dire... jail, loss of job, etc.

I guess the best advice I could give you is to have a heart-to-heart with him, express your concerns, and let him know that he's in control of what he decides to do and that you hope he makes good choices.

Now, while I don't condone violence, I couldn't give a stuff what happens to the OM but I really don't think beating him up will help my BH. Being arrested, having a criminal record really won't do him any favours in his career or personal life. He's depressed as it is but I worry the consequences of this will make things worse.

Have you told him this? If not, tell him. If you have told him this, tell him again.

Best of luck. Keep us posted and let us know how things go!

BrokenButTrying posted 2/8/2014 12:32 PM

Thank you all for your advice, I was in panic mode!

Your words made me calm down and I had a talk with BH before he left.
No one knows about the A, BH has been adamant that he wanted to keep it quiet.

I want him to go to the party and enjoy himself, I hate that I've put him in a position where he has to worry that the OM might be there. I apologised to him for that.

I explained about my concerns, we do have children and his career would be in serious trouble if he got arrested and charged. His response was "well you should have thought about that before, shouldn't you?" I explained that his choices were no more my responsibility than my choices were his responsibility.

He said he feels like less of a man for not seeking the OM out and punching him. So tonight, he's not seeking him out but he might run into him and he knows he will beat him up.
This is so unlike him, he is not a violent man at all.

He's gone now, I feel sick with worry but I've done all I can.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/8/2014 12:35 PM

Losfer - Yes I told him. He said he needs to get the anger out, I suggested that there were other ways to do that which weren't so self destructive. I said I cared about him but he just laughed and that what I was saying felt empty because I didn't care about him before so why would I now.

LosferWords posted 2/8/2014 13:17 PM

I think you are doing everything you can. He may have laughed, but I think it was important to both you and him to have that communication. I think what he had to say was important as well, and based upon the context of your post and you taking ownership, it sounds like you really were listening to him.

He sounds like a really good guy, and chances are he will make the right choices.

Will be thinking of you both tonight. Take care, and let us know how it goes.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/8/2014 13:31 PM

Thank you, Losfer.

I sent my BH a text saying:
"I know you are angry but there are ways to deal with that which don't hurt you in the process. I understand the damage I have done but please choose to be the bigger and better man that I know you are.
Please don't hit the self destruct button, I've done that and it doesn't feel good afterwards. I love you."

He didn't reply but I hope it will be the voice of reason amidst his anger. I have to pick him up after the party, the later he phones me the better! All I can do now is hope.

mezmer posted 2/8/2014 15:07 PM

I've told my WH that if I ever see his AP again I'll leave her maimed. He told me that the only reason he cares is that he'd hate to see me in trouble over his stupid mistake. Not because he gives damn what happens to her at this point. That's probably the right answer.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/8/2014 16:17 PM

Had a text from BH, all is ok. He didn't say whether the OM was there or not but he's enjoying the party. So I'm very relieved!

Mezmer, I completely understand my BH's feelings towards the OM. If there were no consequences to BH punching him, then I'd say go for it. But I'm worried the repercussions will have a detrimental effect on BH. He's already struggling with depression and the roller coaster, it would just make life harder for him.

20WrongsVs1 posted 2/8/2014 16:42 PM

I explained that his choices were no more my responsibility than my choices were his responsibility.

Gold star, BBT! I think you handled this difficult situation as well as can be expected. You gave your opinion, and let go of the outcome.

Brandon808 posted 2/8/2014 17:01 PM

He said he feels like less of a man for not seeking the OM out and punching him. So tonight, he's not seeking him out but he might run into him and he knows he will beat him up.
This is so unlike him, he is not a violent man at all.
As a fellow BH I can understand this but also dispute. The OM's participation in the A has already caused pain and hurt. Wanting the Karma bus to stop at OM"s home is all well and good but the OM never earned my time or energy.

CantBeUndone posted 2/8/2014 17:20 PM

BBT - No advice but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you tonight. Not the same exact situation but when BH was out a couple weeks ago and I was afraid he was going to go out and get back at me, I felt so helpless... and hopeless. It was hard to see the pain I caused and yet not have the ability to comfort him in any way and have to sit back and hope and pray he made better decisions than I had made. It's just hard. Hugs!

BrokenButTrying posted 2/8/2014 18:52 PM

Thank you, 20wrongs.
I don't feel like I handled it particularly well. BH and I have a pursuer/distancer relationship dynamic, I am supposed to be changing my pursuer coping mechanism by backing off and not chasing my BH (part of my healing) but I had to chase him to have the conversation. I had to physically follow him room to room as he tried to get away from the conversion! But I needed to tell him, I hope BH doesn't see it as me undoing the work I've been putting into myself.

CBU - Yeah I had that last week too. BH went out drinking with his friends. When he came home he told me he'd had women all over him all night. He said he had made the decision to go home with someone, to cheat on me in a ONS. He started talking to a girl but then couldn't go through with it. He said even though he was hurting this much he still couldn't bring himself to hurt me in the same way, which made what I did even more despicable.
BH is a good man and it kills me to see the pain he is in.

LosferWords posted 2/8/2014 22:01 PM

Just checking in with you - how did things go tonight?

BrokenButTrying posted 2/9/2014 03:25 AM

Sorry for the delay in reply, I'm in England so it's only 9am here.

Everything is good :)
I picked him up about 2am and drove him home, he was drunk but had a good time. He said the OM wasn't there but wasn't angry with me for what I said. I'm really pleased he went and 'reclaimed' his friends.

Positive step for both of us, I think. We're taking the kids swimming today which will be fun.

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