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Think I'm doing this wrong...

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Mom23DC posted 2/8/2014 12:11 PM

Never found myself in this position before, never even had a break-up before for that matter...feels like I am doing this all wrong. WH claims he has now told me everything (EA Dday 1/18, which led to Dday of a PA that occurred several years ago). He is open to answering all my questions and concerns, he is more emotional than I have seen him in years, calls to tell me his whereabouts, invites me on errands, and took the steps on his own to find a IC for himself. I believe him when he says he is done with those As and is remorseful. And yet, I still keep digging and searching for stuff (cause of course the trust is gone). I unblocked the EA OW from FB (for me, still blocked for him)just so when she commented on mutual friends stuff the sight of her would bring the pain/anger back. I am fighting to avoid the temptation of contacting the PA OW because he said they haven't had contact in a few years and I really don't want to go (further) down a path that I will regret. I am afraid I will be the one to rug sweep and suppress... I am so afraid to speak to anyone IRL about this. As far as I know our kids don't think anything is going on and I'd like to keep it that way. I prefer for no one to know and but keeping it in is eating me up inside.

Still all so new and I'm still so confused.

Mom23DC posted 2/8/2014 12:15 PM

I also realize that my posts come off as rambles...this is what happens when your thoughts are running at 1000 mph and this is the only place I have felt safe sharing them.

strangeasfiction posted 2/8/2014 12:38 PM

I'm not sure there is a single "right" way to do this. The good news is that you have what seems to be a remorseful WH. The trust cannot be reinstated instantaneously. He has to earn that back and he has to be aware that you will likely have totally reasonable insecurity issues.

Find SOMEONE to talk to. Counseling will probably help whther or not you find someone in whom to confide. I have two confidants out there and they both have been life savers for me.

Keep doing you, Mom23.

Pippy posted 2/8/2014 14:15 PM

You NEED to talk to someone IRL. Otherwise you will implode. If you are set on no one finding out (why?) then your only answer is IC. So please set up an appointment ASAP.

Mom23DC posted 2/8/2014 18:47 PM

The why? for not telling anyone is part of what I believe I am "doing wrong"... thanks to a reply on my original board post I now understand what hysterical bonding is and am relieved that I am not the only one to have that type of response. However, I also have this very strong sense of needing to protect him. And, as I stated elsewhere, therefore protect my own reputation. I don't want to be that wife whose husband cheated or my kids to be those kids who have the cheating dad. I don't even want that to be in the minds of our family. I just want to keep it to ourselves, deal, and move on...
IC is a good idea and I am going to check into that on Monday. Thankful to have found this site.

NeedingAdvice posted 2/8/2014 23:13 PM

This is my first ever post, and I can totally relate to how you feel about wanting to keep things to yourself. I also want to protect my husband as, like you, don't want either of us to be judged. I have already made up my mind to stay and don't want other people looking at him and making assumptions about who he is. I also don't want people thinking I am weak to stay.

The down side of keeping it to yourself though, is the lack of someone who knows you and genuinely cares about you, being there to listen when you need to talk. I want someone who cares about me to know that some days the smallest thing will reduce me to tears, that I feel insecure, that I hate knowing that in that moment of weakness the man I adore didn't love me enough to say "this isn't right". That's when going it alone is rough.

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