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Help! Child related R issue WS welcome

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deena04 posted 2/8/2014 12:20 PM

Still working at R and taking it one day at a time. I have fluctuated from R to D and back. My issue is this: WH has wanted to adopt my children since we married back in August. We had spoke of it off and on for years. He is the only dad they have known as my ex is long out of the picture by his choice. We had started this process before I knew about his ONS before we married. It is to be finalized this week. With everything, I don't know if letting him gain legalities to my kids is a good idea. However, he is "dad". He has spent over half of the youngest one'a life with us. Even my oldest was under 10 when we met. Sorry if I incorrectly posted here for this, but we are in R so thought I would start here. Do I let it finalize or put the brakes on? I thought it would take a bit longer and didn't want to stop it immediately even though maybe I should have.

deena04 posted 2/8/2014 13:38 PM

I should point out that he is a good dad. He loves them and they love him. I just don't know about completing the family legal ties right now. The kids are aware that they are being adopted by him as he asked them if that was ok before we went down that road. Ugh!

Morhurt posted 2/8/2014 13:49 PM

Can it be put on hold for a bit without messing up the process? Are you adopting his kids?

deena04 posted 2/8/2014 13:52 PM

I am not sure if stalling ends it and puts us to square one or not. I am not adopting his kids as their mother is involved. My youngest is 8 and has only known him. I have been having a panic attack slightly over this.

Skan posted 2/8/2014 17:59 PM

I think that it would be, pardon my very frank words here, crazy to allow this adoption to go forward while you are still in this taking one day at a time life. Until and unless you are fully secure that you guys are going to make it, do NOT let him have ANY legal rights to your children!

If you don't make it, he has the RIGHT to them 50% of the time maybe more if he can win in court. He might have the right to have legal and physical custody. You could end up paying child support to him while he has YOUR children! I know that this sounds really crazy and alarmist, but in the Separation & Divorce forum there is a lady whose XWH got an adoption through on her daughter and then took the daughter across the USA. She had to negotiate to get her back! Because he was the adoptive "legal" father, he had the right to just take off with her daughter.

I am not saying that your WH would or would not do this. I am saying that you may want to consider the ramifications of him being their legal father while you might still divorce him.

whattheh posted 2/8/2014 18:34 PM

I wouldn't do this until you have recovered from this and your M is back on track. Your dDay is very recent and you said you've considered D.

You need to be able to trust him before giving him legal rights to your kids?

He has shown he is unreliable and has put you and the family at risk with his actions. Wait until you feel totally safe is my advice.

deena04 posted 2/9/2014 12:01 PM

I definitely agree that giving him legal rights to my kids is risky right now. However, my issue lies in that the kids see him as dad. Am I selfish to keep them from firmly establishing this relationship when that is what they know? It's not the kids' fault, and I feel like I am either protecting them or hurting them by stopping it. I just don't know which. I am stopping it asap in the morning. I don't know if the court will be able to start it again from this point or we go to square one again, but we will find out. It makes me sad to see my kids in pain and they will have questions about why it is not happening. They have no idea of the situation we are in.

eachdayisvictory posted 2/9/2014 12:03 PM

I think you should stop the adoption process immediately. Perhaps you can decide together to just let the kids know that it will take a while (that's not a lie, it will take a while for you to decide what's best).

IMO you do not need to worry about how this will affect him, you need to make sure that your kids are safe and 100% in your care and custody. Don't add another element of torture to your R and pressure for yourself.

Kelany posted 2/9/2014 12:05 PM

Do NOT!

There is someone in the divorce forum who did this. Now they are divorcing and he us trying to get full custody of HER child.

Don't do this, please.

deena04 posted 2/9/2014 12:30 PM

Thank you; I am stopping the process without his input in the morning. He wants to be their dad, so I will do it and tell him afterwards. It is something that requires my consent anyhow, so it goes through me ultimately! After I do that, I am talking to the kids to let them know it's taking longer (thanks for a good idea to tell them). If he pushes, I will tell them exactly why it's taking longer! We wanted to keep the kids out of it to spare them pain and siding with someone (he has kids, I have kids). I will out the situation if he doesn't respect my decision.

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