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BeautifulEmpty posted 2/8/2014 13:52 PM

I started writing this on someone else's thread about rings but realized pretty quickly that it's a big t/j so I'm posting it here instead.
I'm not sure what to do with my feelings about this.

My first ring had to be removed during my pregnancy because I swelled up so bad. Then, I was put on antidepressants during that same pregnancy and gained 100 lbs.
many women and tons of depressin later, I never put it back on even when I could. Then comes separation during which the ring magically disappears from the bathroom while his newest woman is in and out all the time and his new friends as well. Gone gone never to be seen again.
Reconciliation and after three years, a new, simple but exactly perfect wedding band is hand made for me! I am so happy..with my H, with us..with my progress (lost the weight, less to no depression or weird swings, active and busy).
The ring arrives in the mail and my mil signs for it not noticing the bottom is cut open. Everything inside the package except...ta da! The ring. But it's insured so no big deal.
New ring underway...wait wait wait. During this brief time, my H keeps telling me about this old friend he used to work with but now she works so,where else but how much we are the same and would really like each other. Ring arrives but he won't give it to me. Says he wants to sure that we are strong together. It's been 3 years that we've been in R, mind you. Not 3 months...3YEARS. He keeps nagging me about her and finally we meet on my birthday. Her bday is two days after mine but she's two years older. Is t that sweet? Yay for two scorpios! We seem very similar in interests and she's such a good friend quickly. We are having a great time and it's been forever since I had a close friend due to my H's tendency to ruin things by putting his penis in them. She hears about the troubles we are having...from both of us. My H is now telling me he needs to go back to a poly amorous lifestyle to be himself fully so he's sent me into a complete nightmare. My new friend tells him how awful he's acting and how prideful of me he should be. How he will never have another women as lovely or beautiful as me and certainly not one who would have put up with his crap for so long and that he should give me that ring! If we are both committed to,each other, he should give it! She asks us if we are committed to,each other and he sounds hesitant but says yes. She gets the ring down from where he was stashing it...and puts it in her OWN FINGER which made me cringe because I am superstitious about symbolic things but then she makes him give it to me.
She turns out to be the OW he was screwing at that very time and his reason for needing to 'go back to polyamory to be himself'.
When I found this out (after I'd already kicked him out and her out of my house for other reasons) I threw that ring at him.
Now, we are together. Our relationship is different. I am all but ruined for the time being. He is doing the work and really looking at himself. I am not championing his cause. He can fix it or not but if he doesn't by the time our youngest is 18, I am gone. The bright side is that he's being great and really is remorseful and not afraid to face my anger day in, day out so we actually have a pretty good thing going on even though I've been left with some fairly profound issues to deal with and an ugly perspective of how unfair life can be.
So back to rings....I began by saying I never wanted another ring until he was ready to give me one and NEVER make it meaningless again.
The reason the last OW got so,angry and outted him was because I'd kicked them both out and he refused to remove his wedding ring when she asked. It's because I NEVER ruined it for him but not the case for me.
It has been almost two years of quite possibly real R. I would like a grand ring but I hear that they all cost too much. This hurts my feelings because the truth is, I wouldn't pick one that was out of reach in reality but I don't like hearing that I'm not worth an expensive ring. That is what I hear even if not intended. My reasons for wanting a ring is that I feel I deserve something really beautiful and it's MY CHOICE as to whether I wear it or not instead of it being his choice. I mean, of course it's his choice but if he is wanting to remain married to me, I should have a ring as his wife and if I choose to wear it, then yay for both of us.
I feel like I don't have a choice and that I'm not worth it.
I get all happy looking at rings but then I remember that I'm not worth a beautiful one and I've never been worth keeping my original beautiful one through two marriages. I'm supposed to be all awesome because I'm me and it doesn't matter what others think but does matter what my H thinks. My first H told me I brought nothing to the table he couldn't do for himself and he never wanted to sleep with me so I guess that was true. My current...well, you can read my messed up story if you want but suffice it to say he told me that because I have health problems and can't keep the house the way I want it, he needs another wife in addition to me. :/
We are pretty well in R now but those are the thoughts that just haunt me. I am not worth anything. Nothing has gone right in my life regardless of what kind of choices I've made. No matter how much counsel I've had before doing something. No matter how much I've trusted my gut or followed my heart or my instincts or just looked at the cold, hard facts. almost without exception, NOTHING has gone right. That sounds black and white but it's also true.
The other day, my 15 year old and I managed to put the 50 gallon water bottle on the stand way up high without everything falling down and she told me she was afraid to go to sleep because it must be the end of the world. The day had just gone too well for us and ended with us not destroying the kitchen with the water jug so it must be the end.
That is funny stuff but unfortunately, it's also very true. I awoke the next morning somewhat surprised that the earth was still turning on its axis.

demonshide posted 2/8/2014 16:06 PM

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:06 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

Oftencheatedon posted 2/8/2014 17:05 PM

Oh the problems with rings.

My first fiancé (great job, no debt) instead of getting me an engagement ring for Christmas like I was expecting gave me the exact same $30 present he gave his mother. That was a message.

Second fiancé tells me that it would be stupid to pay $1000 for something to put on my finger. Mind you he was a CPA with a great job and no debt. The message was I wasn't worth much.

I am now happily married to a non-cheater but I do not wear a ring. Rings are kind of a trigger for me.

mchercheur posted 2/8/2014 17:35 PM


First of all, you sound beautiful and strong.
Stop letting someone of questionable character & intelligence define your reality for you.

Second of all, buy yourself the ring of your dreams, for yourself.

I have taken wedding vows with 2 men, & both have cheated on me. I am trying to R with present WH because we have 4 kids.
I will never again in my life take wedding vows or exchange rings again---because altho they mean something to me, obviously they didn't mean anything to the 2 men I married. When the going got rough, they unzipped their zippers with someone else. That's not to say that there may be some exceptions out there, but I am not willing to risk it again. So, I will never invest a ring with meaning again.

However, buy yourself a beautiful ring to symbolize your love for yourself.

EaglesWings posted 2/8/2014 18:09 PM

Forgive me if this t/I but the ring hits really close to home. My grandmother wore her ring 30 years after grandfather abandoned her --her reasoning?? She "didn't break her vows, he did." I didn't get it at the time but now I do.

2 weeks after Dday, my ring developed a crack in it, after 25 years. Ironic and sadly symbolic. I chose to repair it, and it symbolizes our R.

However fWH doesn't wear his. Knuckles swelled so it wouldn't go. I bought him a beautiful replacement which he wore for a few years. Quit about 2 years prior to EA. Bothered me some, but now it's a daily sorrow. Early on I asked him to wear it. He has about half dozen times in 21 months. Deal breaker? No. Heart breaker? Absolutely.

BeautifulEmpty posted 2/8/2014 22:28 PM

Thank you everyone...I guess I really struggle with self worth.
I mean, I like me. I like my weird and the things I do but when those closest to me, who I thought were my partners, haven't valued me, it gets very confusing. If I lived in a bubble, I would be fine but I'm disabled without disability (25 yrs worth of documentation isn't enough I guess) and can't live on my own. I've worked really hard not to be a huge burden. To make myself so useful that I'm not a big hassle for not being able to contribute financially but it appears to have never been enough. I really don't even know. My H would say that he doesn't mind me staying home and he likes paying for things etc...and it's true, he's never been a jerk about it even though we really struggle sometimes but mixed in have been those periods where he needed a new wife so my mind gets confused. It's been one big, long clusterf$&@.
I've considered buying my own ring several times. The ring I wear on that finger isn't expensive but I bought it myself. All my best jewelry I've bought myself and been pretty happy because I could wear it without upset no matter what was going on. I guess I just wanted him to want to buy me a really beautiful ring, even if we couldn't afford it. To be willing to say "you deserve it" instead of "that's too expensive" because all his DJ equipment was cheap? I don't begrudge him his gear btw...never have...but you get my meaning?
The first wedding ring (with him) was a bunch of diamonds, a center sapphire and white gold. It was very pretty and sparkly. My perfect second wedding ring was just a simple, maybe 1/3" wide hammered rose gold band. It cost nothing In terms of wedding jewelry. Now? I don't know...but I'd have liked the choice and his saying I deserved it. I guess I'm focusing on the wrong things.

eachdayisvictory posted 2/9/2014 11:41 AM

I have no ring right now. I lost the diamond at a grocery store 6 months after dday, and decided that I am done with it anyway. It made me sad. So I abandoned it.

Now I feel like I'm in the exciting beginning of a new relationship with my fWH, and am thinking about a ring again. I think I'll leave it as is, and be open to the possibility of wearing one again if it comes up as a topic between us.

Just want to add that I know that feeling of worthlessness, and it is the ONE THING that you need to work on. Forget everything about your H, focus on YOU and loving YOU. Do things that make YOU proud of yourself and that have absolutely nothing to do with your H. What grows will be something that you keep with you no matter what happens in your relationship.


SadInNC posted 2/9/2014 12:20 PM

Oh boy. THE RING ISSUE. Such a big trigger and problem for me, too. Our first matching set had etchings in the band and WH is in construction. His band wore out so much that you could barely see the etchings. Then, his knuckle got too big and it no longer fit. He would wear it on a chain around his neck after that sometimes. He also told me that a lot of the guys at work didn't wear their rings due to safety issues and one day, his ring got caught on a piece of machinery and it scared him. So, I didn't try to replace his ring for many years.

When I finally decided to replace his ring, it was after he had bought me a new one with diamonds in it. I got him a matching one. He hardly ever wore it. I wore mine all the time. After finding aout about the A, I went through his stuff and found both the old ring and the new one at the bottom of his small jewelry box. I took them both. I stopped wearing mine altogether. I told him he doesn't deserve any ring from me. He swears that he wore the new one all the time when he wasn't working. LIE! I asked if he wore it when he went on that trip to Florida and had sex with the OW. He said yes. I asked if he was wearing it when he had sex with the OW. He said yes. OUCH. I'm seriously thinking of selling the rings since I need money right now. They are hurtful triggers.

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