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Very rough time today

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RemainingWed posted 2/8/2014 14:12 PM

I woke up in the middle of the night SO ANGRY. We have not had sex in nearly two months because I can't deal with the mind movies. Our sex like has been terrible for years (which contributed to the affair), but just before he cheated on me, I had been actively TRYING to overcome my low libido. I pointed that out to him and his response was that he didn't want me to have to "try", he wanted me to want him. Such an uncompassionate, empathy-lacking response!!! I have low-libido, so I *do* have to try. It sucks for ME, too! And it pisses me off that he couldn't just be happy that I considered him worth trying for.

Now we are in MC, and I am upset and full of anxiety about the money that its costing, and yes, ANGRY again that we have to spend so much money because he went and had an affair. Although, if I'm being honest with myself, we probably needed MC years before this happened.

He's sick with a cold and can't think straight and doesn't have the energy to "talk it out" with me right now. I have the feeling there will be a lot of crying today.

creativecat posted 2/8/2014 15:50 PM

First, your WH made a choice to deal with your sex life issues by having an affair. You could just as easily have decided to have an EA to find the compassion and support that you needed and didn't get from him...but you didn't do that. Is the low libido issue a problem for you guys? Sure. But it is not fair for you to blame yourself in any way for his A.

Now, is there a way you can explain to him that you DO find him attractive, and want him on an "intellectual" or "emotional" level, but just can't muster up the physical drive sometimes (don't know your reasons for low libido, but I'm guessing you're not against the idea of sex, just have difficulty getting physically worked up for it? Sorry to sound all TMI 3-rd degree on you...) Maybe he needs some self-esteem reassurance, too...I know that is so hard to focus on for the BS, sometimes, but maybe it would help him to be more empathetic to your feelings?


doggiediva posted 2/8/2014 16:04 PM

I think if low libido is an issue for you it can have many causes..

You may want to delve into whether or not you have ALWAYS had low libido from the time you were sexually active..

Or is this an issue between you and your H..If it is an issue between you and WH is it recent or long term?

Do you feel like your health has anything to do with low libido or is it feelings of resentment towards your WH for whatever reason..

I know that my WH felt entitled to sex with me ANYTIME he wanted it..He had the attitude that sex anytime he wanted it was his right because we were married..As if I was an object he owned instead of a human being with feelings that need to be respected..And he did nothing to arrange childcare or date nights..

So you can see what I mean about harboring resentment that is harmful to the relationship and a sex life..If your WH wants to work on issues to make married and family life easier for you than MC might help..

If he is an asshat in general and doesn't want to do the above, than no wonder you have a low libido..In this case it might be useful to do the 180 and formulate an exit plan..

Oh BTW, your WH needs to know that the fact that he had an A added a new layer of damage to your relationship and motivation to work on things..This damage may take years to repair or be irreparable..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:08 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

RemainingWed posted 2/9/2014 13:12 PM

Thank you both for the replies.
It's hard to explain to him that I find him attractive, because truthfully, I don't. I am so bogged down in layers of resentment (from long before the affair) that it is difficult to see him as attractive. Hopefully MC will help me cut through all the resentment. Also, he has let himself go physically, and that doesn't help. I hate myself for being so shallow, and that doesn't help. I am no beauty queen either, and if I found out that he saw me in the same light, I would be devastated.

I finally got health insurance again, so I had a talk with the ob/gyn, and she says it is probably not health-related and is more likely relationship issues.

He's being a good, remorseful FWS, but I am worried about the new damage being insurmountable. It certainly feels that way right now.

Morhurt posted 2/9/2014 13:19 PM

When my H and I aren't "connected" all I can see are flaws. Maybe aim for connectedness and don't think about physical stuff for now. We're reading (but just started) a book called "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, it's about how important it is to have that connection.

Just a thought...

Also the Love Languages book, if you haven't read it yet (which I admit, I haven't, but we did buy it )

nowiknow23 posted 2/9/2014 13:48 PM


SpotlessMind posted 2/9/2014 18:18 PM


It sounds like you aren't getting your needs met, and also like you and your husband have very different needs, which makes things challenging.

I have similar anger issues as you, for similar reasons. When it comes to matters of libido differences, I highly recommend the book The Sex-Starved Marriage. I wish I'd read it sooner. It talks about how to deal with mis-matches in libidos, and also why they occur (and how they are totally normal, for many couples)..

(Also, I wish I got a kick-back for recommending that book, lol-I'd be rich by now!)

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