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Drunk Declarations

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peoplepleaser posted 2/8/2014 14:14 PM

Late last night I get a text from WS asking if I was up. Then she says she needs help because she's drunk and can't stop crying (we are separated in-house). Texts that she loves me. So, even though I'm trying to adhere to the 180, I go down to help her in and she collapses while grabbing my legs and crying that she's sorry. I help her calm down and get her ready for bed and she's crying and telling me she's sorry, she's so weak around me, and she's an asshole. She asks me why I love her. I said nothing, just took care of her. In my mind I kept telling myself that she was drunk and that this was not real, but in my heart I was wondering if this was some kind of breakthough, especially since she told me that this is the first time since the separation that she's actually cried. She was out with a big group of friends and began crying at the bar and had to leave because she couldn't stop. She is excellent at controlling her emotions, and has never been an emotional drinker. This morning she thanked me for taking care of her and acknowledged that I didn't have to do that. Then she invited me to go shopping with her. I'm not sure what to make of this.

I know time will tell, and in the meantime I'm reminding myself that she is a liar and a cheater. I also see the tremendous amount of pain she is in, and trying to keep from both herself and me. Brief history is that she is wanting reconciliation but struggling to "sit in" my pain from the EAs and complying with transparency, though I believe she is not actively cheating right now. We are separated in-house and are both in IC. She has shared that she is working on figuring out if she can give me what I need in our relationship (with regard to remorse and her own need to find herself). Recent talks have included me moving toward my own personal financial independence so that she can move out because she isn't being transparent.

RemainingWed posted 2/8/2014 14:36 PM

It sounds like you did a really good job with the 180 - taking of your own emotions while helping out someone who hurt you.
Maybe the fog is lifting. Do you want reconciliation?

peoplepleaser posted 2/8/2014 14:47 PM

I want to see if reconciliation is possible. I loved my life. I know it won't be the same, but after all that we are figuring out about what went wrong in the relationship, it seems that there is great potential to have an even better relationship if we can get past this. I want that chance, though at times I question why. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to stay after an affair. I've amazed myself at what I'm capable of. But I don't want to be foolish or disrespect myself, either.

So what I did was still part of the 180? I can see that the way you put it. Going shopping tonight with her might not be, though...

hard_yards posted 2/8/2014 14:56 PM

please... don't go shopping... you can't play happy couples right now, it would be a farce. Back to the 180.

See if she says the same stuff sober as she did drunk.... the harsh light of day is very telling, you did the right thing by looking out for her last night, but today is another day, drunken sobbing is just that, alcohol fueled ranting. Back to the 180.

Please take some time to think things through very carefully, I've been dealing with this long enough to know that some damage is irreparable, some wrongs can never be righted, and that the life we all had is changed and a new one established.... it's very hard work, think about yourself, what you want, what you need, and what you can live with.


Skan posted 2/8/2014 15:48 PM

Absolutely do not go shopping with her! This is the time, IMO, for you to be polite but 180 distant.

Last night, it sounds like you went down to help, matter of factly did what was needed, didn't engage in her drama, essentially took care of business, and then left. Good job. This morning, she's mouthing words about sorry and wanting to be your friend.

Nope. Ain't gonna happen until and unless she gets her stuff together to be truly remorseful, transparent, etc. Until she shows you by her actions that she is fully on-board. Bending right now sends a bad message to her. That you'll be her KISA and save her, every time that she has a problem and that afterwards you will play family with her.

Much stronger and, to the point, healthier response to remind her that you are not spouses, you are separated now, and while you don't regret helping her last night, that it will not happen again because that's the sort of care that only a spouse, a full partner gets. Be strong!

solus sto posted 2/8/2014 17:12 PM

Contrary to popular belief, "drunk declarations" are not a reflection of one's true feelings. "In vino veritas" is a lie.

I get wanting to explore the possibility of R. But you need to get on more solid ground, yourself.

180. See what really happens--in the absence of booze.

Maudlin declarations are...well, bullshit.

Shopping today? Just a way to play house, to lull you into a sense of security, to get you off your game so that she can get what she wants with the MINIMUM effort.

You're on the verge of letting it work.

How do I know? Because I was the recipient of "minimum effort" for a very long time, and more than once.

(And no, what you did was not part of the 180--but that's okay; few of us are able to consistently adhere to it.)

It's NOT the path you want to take.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:13 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

ProbableIceCream posted 2/8/2014 17:21 PM

Words are cheap. People lie.

Twitchy posted 2/9/2014 07:17 AM

How did she respond to your email from your other thread? This looks like an extension from her earlier gesture (all be it weak) of R. IMO your looking at serious cracks in hard shell.

peoplepleaser posted 2/9/2014 10:57 AM

Twitchy, I think I agree about the cracks. There was no response before the drunk night. I'm sitting back, focusing on myself, listening when she wants to share and responding respectfully. What I've gotten toward reconciliation is that she's in IC and I don't believe she is actively in an EA. However, I do not have transparency or remorse. So if I don't get those before I am able to financially support myself, I will ask her to move out.

norabird posted 2/10/2014 10:45 AM

Just checking in on you pp :) You sound like you're being really strong.

peoplepleaser posted 2/10/2014 11:50 AM

Thanks, norabird. I'm doing alright. She's talking more and I'm listening. She texted me today that she misses me. I triple dog dared her to do something about it and she said I wasted a dare because she only needed a double. So I guess we will see what happens.

forwardfromhere posted 2/10/2014 19:31 PM

Ignore her texts. Such a cheap and easy form of communication. I was lures in by bullshit remorse. The real deal is sober, consistent and to your face. If she comes crying to you daily and cooks you dinner and begs for the chance at a new life for weeks/months, that'd real. Otherwise it's just another ride on the eff you train. I'm sorry. Stay strong.

peoplepleaser posted 2/10/2014 21:12 PM

Quick update. She came to me tonight, agreed to transparency at 100% and is calling a couples counselor for us tomorrow. We shall see what happens...

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