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NothingIsCertain posted 2/8/2014 18:14 PM

My fWH and I are in R and I'm having an issue with the amount of sex we AREN'T having.

He says he's tired and that at night he needs to go to bed by a certain time in order to get his sleep and be to work early (he does work 12 hours/day) He also says he wants to be close with me in other ways and not just sex, and we are I just want to be or at least feel desired sexually by him too. His off work days are better than the work days but I really don't want to wait to have sex only on his days off, I want to be more spontaneous. I think the main reason I'm having a hard time with it is because the AP seemed to be only there for sex and my fWH found time to give it to her. In fact he would leave work during the day to meet with her if he felt like it. He managed to still be there for me emotionally but it seemed to take away the once active sex life.

So now that he doesn't want to (or at least this is my perception) do it with me that much I feel sick to my stomach over it and it's making me crazy. I can't help but recount the times when I wasn't in the mood and he would tell me that it was important to our marriage, to which I made an effort to understand what he was saying (and he was right). It was important and the more we had it the more I wanted it. I also keep thinking about how he told me that a clue to him being unfaithful would be him not wanting sex from me. In fact sex did taper off a bit during the A. It just happened to be his most stressful time at work and I excused it as stress and being tired, which I'm not willing to do anymore.

Sorry if this is just rambling. I'm hoping a wayward can shed some light on why he might be wanting to choose going to bed instead of me coming on to him. I think its more than just being tired, his mind seems caught on something. I'd think it was another A if it weren't for him being such an open book about everything.

Morhurt posted 2/8/2014 19:19 PM

Disclaimer: I'm not a WS.
I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard. It sounds like you guys have talked about it at least a bit, have you told him how it really makes you feel? The fact that he would ditch work for sex with OW but is too tired for you... Speaking of which, what about suggesting a "nooner"?
I'm sorry, that must be very hard. I'm not in the same sitch but there are other things that he gave freely to APs that are a bit harder for me to come by (like texts). A wise SIer told me that it's not the same, with AP there was no attachment or responsiblities so it was "easy" to text or whatever, what I'm asking for (reading, posting, stff like that) is "hard" so there's resistance. Maybe for some reason the intimacy of sex feels "hard" for him (not that that's ok!).
Could it start with snuggling and see where that goes?

Joanh posted 2/8/2014 19:54 PM

I he having trouble at all performing? Is the guilt getting to him. I know for myself sometimes I'm withdrawn because of how dirty I feel that I don't want to taint my BH. That's me. It stems from FOO issues too. However

Your WH in my expectation , this is a should be , showing affection, attention and more. Ask him if he feels dirty or is he having physical issues , men I also affected physically by their emotions. Sorry if this too personal, does he wake with an erection? Somethings the doctors may ask.

I know myself also when I am depressed, before, during and now after my affairs, sex really was not an interest seemed like hard work. I know to bad, but the depression made everything feel like that. Is he show affection at least.

Did HB ever happen?

Just a few thoughts sorry to not be more help , A WH might be alittle more insightful.

Darkness Falls posted 2/8/2014 22:23 PM

I'm a WS, but female.

At the time I cheated, I was highly sexual. I enjoyed sex and had a fairly high drive.

Now, 4 years later, a lot has changed. I work, on average, 1.5 times to twice as many work hours as I did during my affair...like your H, I now work 12-hr days five days per week. I also, in the intervening years since I cheated, have been diagnosed with a chronic medical condition that dramatically decreases libido. Due to the illness and the fatigue from work (highly physical job) I never desire sex and only have it on occasional Sundays so as not to completely rob my XH of a sex life. So no spontaneity here and no drive to do it, when before it was basically any time, anywhere---and I'm not still cheating.

Hope that helps, even though I'm not male.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 10:24 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

NothingIsCertain posted 2/8/2014 22:27 PM

Thank you both for your comments and understanding.

It's not a performance issue. At least I'm pretty sure it isn't since we do have sex. It's just not as often as it has been for us in the past, prior to the A. I do think its a guilt thing. He's affectionate in lots of other ways, just when it comes to sex he gets "tired" a lot. If he can see I'm upset sometimes he will have sex even if he's said he's tired. He does know it makes me feel terribly low and unwanted. My hope is that if he just gives in enough he'll slowly get over what might be bugging him or the guilt might not be so strong. I do know that the more you say no, the easier it gets to keep saying it. I also know the opposite can be true too.

We only had a few days of HB. I wanted more. It was the thing I think I needed. He wants to just be with me. He likes to cuddle, hold hands, spoon, etc. I think that's great but part of the pain from an A is not feeling sexy and desired by the one person you desire most.

I have also let him know that I'm up for a "nooner" as well as early morning if the night isn't good. He came home once but it was during HB and that has stopped.

I'm sure the tired is guilt and depression over his remorse and time will help heal him as well as the sex. I just feel like he needs to suck it up and try harder. That might be selfish and I know he's hurting too. I can tell you that if he did it more it would prob save me/us a lot of heart ache in the long run. I wouldn't second guess his feelings all the time.

mesoSTUPID posted 2/9/2014 01:22 AM

I'm not a wayward, but I understand where you are coming from.

I recommend communication. There are times when I have told my WH that I need more sex. That sex makes me feel loved and wanted. He tries to provide me with what I need, but definitely communicating how I was feeling was important.

If you have to tell him - you left work in the middle of the day for her - then do so. You are not telling him to spite him, you are telling him so that he tries to understand where your head is and that you need this sex.

If what you want is straight up sex, tell him that also. I tell my husband all the time that sometimes I don't want "making love" sex. Sometimes I just want to PHUCK!

Know that you are not alone.

Jrazz posted 2/9/2014 01:48 AM

We went through something very similar during HB. I was calling FWH, sobbing and begging him to come home at lunch so we could have sex. I'd want it when we went to bed, at 2am, and 7am when we woke up.

Over the course of our entire relationship he was always hounding me for sex, and when the tables were turned he didn't know what to do. He couldn't keep up, and I felt rejected. I think that his libido was a bit eclipsed by the guilt he felt, and he didn't want to "use" me that way. He'd be able to do it once or twice a day for a while, but slowly became more and more tired. At first I thought he was making it up, but he was really and truly emotionally exhausted for the first time in his life.

Like your situation, he would want to hold me for hours. We would communicate all day long. Sex just got turned on its head. After a year or so we got back into our old rhythm, but a little bit better so there's that.

I remember feeling exactly how you felt. If your H is in the same place mine was, he's just feeling a lot of emotions and needing to process them as well.

Alyssamd24 posted 2/9/2014 12:43 PM

My BH has always been the one to initiate sex more often than me....even right after DDay, because he needed the physical connection to reassure him.

At first every time we had sex it would end with me in tears, because I felt so guilty and awful for hurting him and couldn't believe what I had done.

The physical part of my A was short....it lasted two months, we had sex once and the other times I gave him oral....it was very one sided...My BH said after DDay that I was basically the XAP s whore, and I guess he was right.

Anyway, when BH and I were intimate all I could think about is what was he thinking? Was he picturing me with XAP, doing the same things with him that I did with AP?? Even though he never said so, it's all I could think about and it definitely made sex difficult in the beginning.

It's possible this is what your BH is going through, he is working through the guilt and remorse that he feels,and sex may be a trigger for him.