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Are there any WS in your life, other than your own?

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kellys2014 posted 2/8/2014 19:57 PM

So I found out a week ago. Husband is out of the house since Wednesday and coming tonight to babysit so I can go out for a girl's night with my cousins. (Something I haven't done in years!)

I spent some time this afternoon thinking and started fuming. I started realizing that the affair started a month or so before I thought. I'm guessing. I haven't made him pin down his timeline yet. He just said it started "after we moved from..." We moved in December and I just guessed January. Just was thinking about it today and realized that it was happening before Christmas. It explains why he had to suddenly go visit his mom the day after Christmas. Don't want to get into the details, but all makes sense now.

I happened to be curling my hair in the mirror when this occurred to me and I saw the look in my own eyes (scary!) and I knew that when I saw him in a couple of hours I was going to give him his permanent walking papers. (Still might.) The heartlessness of his behavior and hers, a supposed FRIEND to my children and to me, sleeping with my husband within weeks of him getting laid off, us having to move quickly, children uprooted, marriage in turmoil. How can anyone be so cruel. I was just beyond livid thinking this was the END.

I thought about going out with my cousins in a couple of hours and decided I needed to keep it together, not tell them anything, and just have a fun night. Besides, I thought, "I can't talk about this with Sara (my cousin - not Sarah, the OW), because she had an affair herself."

I had totally forgotten that about five years ago one of my favorite cousins, unhappily married to her high school sweetheart, was caught by him after an affair with one of her coworkers. It ended the marriage and fractured her immediately family (several of her siblings sided with him and still don't speak to her to this day). It was very embarrassing and painful for her and I can only imagine what her husband was going through. Of course, at the time I wrote off his pain because he was sometimes jerky, they were sleeping in separate rooms (what did he expect), my cousin is really such a wonderful person and especially an amazing mother. So it was obvious that she had just made a really terrible mistake (she was remorseful) and had never intended to hurt anyone, especially her children. She was in a bad place, an unhappy marriage, and got attention from a new relationship.

So when I apply that to my own situation, it helps. It helps me realize that my husband - although still horrible, selfish, disgusting, etc. - did not intend to hurt the children, or even me. He was very unhappy in our marriage and not getting his needs met. (Neither was I.) He had one hell of an opportunity with a 22 year old nanny-slash-pin up-model, who obviously has her own issues to sleep with a pudgy, middle aged, recently unemployed married guy.

Am I still mad!? HELL YES! Beyond. Am I still hurt!? HELL YES! But I'm realizing that his ridiculous and insane behavior wasn't intended to hurt me. Just like my cousin didn't set out thinking, "This will show my husband! I'm going to break up my family! I'm going to hurt my children." She was being selfish and thinking about only her own needs and what she got out of the relationship.

I don't know if my husband is truly remorseful. Only time will tell. If he is, I have decided I'm willing to give him one chance to reconcile. If he's still lying or carrying on after seeing the fall out (my pain and especially the impact on the children), he can F off and die. (Sorry, that's probably the harshest thing I've said in my life.) But I need to let go of the idea that he went into this and did this understanding, thinking about, or conscious of the consequences.

He was a selfish bastard, no doubt. But if I can see that my cousin is not an evil person who callously set out to ruin her children's lives, I guess I need to accept that is possible of him.

Does anyone else have a close friend or family member who was/is a WS? Does knowing them change how you feel about your own WS?

solus sto posted 2/8/2014 20:15 PM

Both of my BILs--married to my sisters--are WHs. I think Trac-Fone's brother is, as well.

Both of my sisters are still married--one with a quite successful R, and the other not--and yes. My older sister's successful R encouraged me when I learned of Trac-Fone's cheating.

HOWEVER, it turns out that he shares much more in common with my other BIL, who has never done any real R work, but with whom my sister has rug-swept and remained very unhappily.

And the realization of that commonality is something that reinforces my decision to D.

gypsybird87 posted 2/8/2014 20:24 PM

This probably won't help, because my reaction was opposite to yours. My family is very small. There is my parents, and one uncle (my mothers brother), and his now-exwife, my aunt. My uncle was a long time alcoholic and serial cheater. My aunt gave him many chances, far more than he deserved. Finally, after more than 35 years of marriage, he walked out and married his latest OW.

Since then, I had been sort of distant with him, because I found his behavior so wrong. But since my own dday, and now knowing first hand what he put my aunt through, I loathe him. Seriously. When he heard about my S/D, he sent an email of "support" from him and OW. I responded curtly letting him know I did not want to communicate with him. Period.

My aunt has been my number one support through all of this. She's the only person IRL that really understands what I'm going through. I love her dearly, even though she isn't my blood and we aren't even "related" by marriage anymore. She IS my family. And I want nothing to do with him or his OW. I have no respect for either of them, and no room for people like that in my life.

Just the opposite perspective... I'm glad your situation has been more helpful for you. The fact that you are trying for R and that was never an option for me probably has something to do with the depth of my feelings.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 8:27 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

kellys2014 posted 2/8/2014 20:53 PM

Thanks for your perspectives. I guess the reason our family WSs have had a different reaction is because the WS hurt people you love, whereas the person I love was the WS in her situation. I am know totally re-evaluating my feelings about her ex. He lives in this town and I see him from time to time. I realize that I have always excused her affair because he wasn't always a great husband and hasn't been a good ex-husband (child support, etc.)... Well, now I see it in a different light.

I remember when he found out (none of use knew, she kept is a secret from everyone), he went down to the hospital where they both worked and screamed at her and called her a slut, etc. She was so distraught, when she called my other cousin to come get her because she couldn't drive, she couldn't identify who was even calling. I feel terrible now, but most of us were like, "Poor Sara!" When now I think, "Poor Dave!" How devastated he must have been to discover his high school sweetheart and the mother of his three children was having a tawdry affair behind his back.

I still love my cousin a ton and still support her. She did something horrible and cruddy to someone but she didn't do it to hurt him and especially not her kids. She was thinking of herself and her own brokenness. If I can give her that grace, can I not apply it to my own situation?

I will also now understand WHEN (not if) his family takes his side. If he ever gets up the nerve to tell them. They've mostly never liked me. They think I think I am too good for them. And I quite agree. So they will, I'm sure say, "Well, she thought she was too good for him. She was never happy with him and always tried to change him." Or whatever. Having taken the side of someone I love (my cousin) when she was wrong, I will understand when they do the same for him. So it won't even phase me.

Gosh, this whole thing is just so hard to wrap my mind around. I'm just trying to find peace, whether or not we R. I think I will.

william posted 2/9/2014 02:40 AM

there were before. we have removed them all from our lives. they are toxic.

hobbeskat posted 2/9/2014 07:56 AM

Yep. My MIL is an active WS.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/10/2014 08:38 AM

Unfortunately yes. One of my best friends. I was friends with her husband first and then her and I became close as we bonded over family of origin (FOO) issues. Her FOO issues were very different than mine but a lot of the results on our families were the same. So we became close and she was in my inner circle. When people would say men and women could never be good friends, I used to point to our relationship and say absolutely they can. We never thought about each other in any sort of sexual way. Ever. More like brother and sister and it never crossed our minds. She's even godmother to one of my kids. As of recently I no longer speak with her. It makes me sad. I haven't lived in the same state with her in a long time and her husband and I drifted apart even though her and I remained close. Due to this, she was able to hide a lot of stuff from me for a few years.

Apparently they were having issues in their marriage. Her husband had been suggesting threesomes occasionally for a few years. Then a coworker (who was also married) OM starting to pay her a lot of attention and she loved it. She started to develop "feelings" for OM. One night while at a work party her OM was giving her extra special attention and asked her to go to a hotel with him for the night. She called her husband first and asked him for "permission" to which he said yes. She spent the night with him and the sex was "out of this world good". She came home at 5 in the morning and told her husband all about it. He was devastated. Make a long story short, their marriage blew up. She was ready to walk away and go be with OM. In fact she did sleep with OM again without her husband's knowledge this time. As far as I know he still doesn't know. She said she was "in love with him, ready to leave her husband for him, and the sex really was that good." The problem was...yep, you guessed it, OM was not willing to leave his wife and he broke it off. She let her husband believe that she broke it off with OM though. She wanted to R. They tried for a few years, but her husband never really got over it and ultimately separated. They are now in the process of divorce.

She told me all of this right before they separated about two or three years ago. That she had even attempt suicide and ended up in the hospital for a few weeks afterwards. If any of you have followed my story about my FOO and brother committing suicide, you know none of what she told me was an easy pill for me to swallow. The problem I have with her and the entire situation is that she show's no remorse. It's all her husband's fault because he "gave permission" that one time. I have major problems with this. If I tried to point out to her otherwise, she doesn't want to hear it. I went on being friends with her for another year and a half (maybe two years?) and then started to distance myself. Last I spoke to her is when she came for a visit this past Sept. I can't bring myself to talk to her anymore. She just doesn't get it. After having bonded like we did and she knew all of my FOO issues, makes me sad that she could do any of that in the first place. I can see why she hid it from me for a few years.

Funny that she goes around calling other people "emotional vampires" sometimes and she herself is one.

Her family is now blown apart and she won't take any responsibility for it. I think of her kids often. In fact, that's the first thing I would always ask her about once I knew the story. How can people be so stupid? Especially when they have an example of what will happen right in front of them (me). Fantasy world I guess. I just don't get it. All of it's very sad.

AppalachianGal posted 2/10/2014 08:43 AM

My sister's first husband was a WS, though he would NEVER admit it. She found photos on his cell, disgusting search history on his laptop, and ads on Craig's List. When she said "you can either talk about this or divorce." He chose divorce, walked out and that was it. She is since remarried.

My dad was a WS. Didn't find out until after his suicide. He had apparently cheated on mom with several throughout their marriage.

My grandfather (dad's father) was also a WS. Damn.

alifeforesaken posted 2/10/2014 09:44 AM

My older sister. And we sided with her exBH for quite some time, until other circumstances broke that relationship. She then did it to her next BF. And the guy after him, did it to her. Maybe karma does exist.

sunandmoon posted 2/10/2014 10:03 AM

As of last year both of my closest freinds.


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