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I'm Confused About Sex At This Point

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MsRukia posted 2/8/2014 23:03 PM

So I apologize if this sounds rambly or is too long.

BG: I was sexually abused as a young child. I apparently had a lot of emotional neediness growing up. My mom suffered from severe depression and was largely emotionally unavailable for huge chunks of time. Then she remarried and StepDad was abusive as well. Grabbing my boobs or butt and making comments about my body all the time . Then I had an abusive boyfriend in highschool. Always pressuring for sex and sexual connection . It took me a long time to figure out that he was abusive. I meet my WH, we mesh, and get married. We are virgins. He has addiction to porn though I don't know it. I grew up in a culture that porn is sin, masturbation is a sin, you get the drift. I was told I was a jezebel for wearing a tank top to my first women's retreat. Anyways, so sex and all was confusing. When I got married I knew nothing :( turns out hubby has a huge sex drive and I don't. Years of struggle over sex ensue. I try to do better for him but always fall short. I think our sex life is decent, it's never enough for him. Anyways, I believe my dysfunction contributed to him having an affair. At one point I was told I was abusive because I had a low sex drive and we had a sexless marriage (by other woman) no less. He told me a few months prior to DD that he wanted to go to counseling . He starts communicating with me in a way he never has before. So I'm afraid he's going to sleep with someone else. (He was already) so I get the outfits, I explore, I try a strip club, I watch porn with him, we have lots of sex for months etc. but he still is having an affair. All the reasons he sleeps with her no longer exist. We have months of HB after DD. Lots of work on our marriage ensues.

I struggle with the pressure to maintain my sex drive. I want him happy. I don't want another affair. I want to be the good wife. Everything. This works for a good while. But now I have hit a brick wall. I'm starting to trust and feel safe again. We are communicating at a deep level. My depression is doinguch better. Lots of huge progress. But, I have no sexual desire for him, none. I love him. I want to stay married. But I'm not attracted to him anymore. We are going through stressful stuff with two of our kids. But we have before and lots of sex.

So I'm lost at where I am. I don't want him to feel unloved. He needs sex. But honestly, as nice as it can feel? I'm done. I'm tired of fighting to be sexual healthfully. I fought hard and he still fucked someone else. So what's the point? I'm tired of struggling with my sexuality; I've been doing it my whole life. I love him, but I don't want home to touch me. I'm sooooo over sex.

So my question is this: has this happened to anyone else? Is this a normal stage of the reconciliation process?

Please any insight is needed. I feel so lost at this point.

mesoSTUPID posted 2/9/2014 01:12 AM

I recommend you go to your doctor and get your hormones checked. It could be you have some hormone deficiency that is causing your low libido.

I am *no* sex expert, but I had a hysterectomy at 37 that caused me to go into immediate menopause for which I will need to be on hormone replacement for at least another 10 years.

Melian40 posted 2/9/2014 05:22 AM

First, stop and think:
"Why is it you who have the problem in sex?"
What about his porn addiction? It's a red flag for issues HE has. Why a man who has an active sexual relationship would go and watch so much porn? Does he need something else? Have you ever thought that YOUR real sexual desires were never met with your H? Could it be the case that HE turned you off? Why trying to fulfill only HIS desires and not yours?
Take away the label you put on yourself. Try to read and be informed. Go to a sex specialist and ask. IMHO the problem is not you, it's HIM.

Kelany posted 2/9/2014 06:51 AM

What KIND of sex do you have? It sounds as if you tried to become a porn star and that's impossible. You were trying to please him, what about HIM pleasing YOU? Why are you doing all the work. You can never maintain that.

What you need is lloving, emotionally intimate sex. To be bonded. Looking in each other's eyes. Kissing. Foreplay. Gentle. Caring. MAKING LOVE. Take out the "fucking" for awhile, because it's hurting you. There will be time later.

Is he still watching porn? He sounds addicted. If so, you can't have true intimacy. Porn has got to go, off the table completely. Even this it will take time for those chemicals in his brain to subside. Especially if he masturbates frequently.

refuz2bavictim posted 2/9/2014 07:47 AM

has this happened to anyone else?



I believe my dysfunction contributed to him having an affair

Absolutely not. HIS dysfunction contributed to him having an A.

You saw for yourself how getting the outfits and fulfilling his sexual "need" didn't stop the A.

It sounds a little like the two of you have formed some sort of strange balancing act here, with both of you seeing sex as a tool of sorts. One of you ultra focused on sex and how to get it, and the other trying to give just enough to make it go away. Completely understandable given the circumstances.

If he's still functioning with a pornmind, you know by the way he approaches sex with you.
Given your history, I can not imagine that porn influenced behavior would be very attractive to you. You have a past of abuse, with sex as the tool for that abuse. Sex as a tool is probably repulsive and not motivating. Sex as a way to connect, build intimacy and create bonds of love, might feel like an overwhelming risk. Either way you slice it, as long as your WS (and you as a byproduct of this) view sex is a tool, you are probably going to feel some sense of repulsion.

There have been times that my FWH has slipped up and viewed porn or even done some subtle things that let me know it is still on his radar. For weeks after I am physically repulsed. And by the end of that time, he is fairly impatient, which exacerbates my repulsion. These ridiculous empty slip ups, damage months of work and trust. And create month and months of difficulty. Until he fixes his issue, or I cut the cord, this confusion is going to persist for me.

Is your FWS still viewing porn, still very much in the mindset? Does any of this ring true for you?

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 7:49 AM, February 9th (Sunday)]

MsRukia posted 2/9/2014 09:28 AM

You guys have given me a lot to think about. WS is working so hard to repair things on his end. He wants me to be happy and fulfilled. As far as I know he hasn't looked at porn. He's told me he's been tempted. We did watch once together. Then he wanted to look at Craig's List adds together for fun. We saw OW and her partner had posted an ad. Lots of discussions about sex. He says this is how I've been our whole marriage. That it's always been a struggle. ((Sigh)) it always goes back to me and how I need to fix it. I want a break from sex.

refuz2bavictim posted 2/9/2014 09:31 AM

Then he wanted to look at Craig's List adds together for fun.

How did this make your feel?

SadInNC posted 2/9/2014 10:05 AM

I've been married for 27 years. There have been years of great sex, good sex, boring sex and then I went through the same thing as you-not wanting sex. I thought I was no longer physically attracted to my husband. I even told him that I loved him "like a brother" once. Whenever he would touch me, I was kind of repulsed and would stiffen up. I thought I was just "done" with sex and it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be anyway.

I know the reason now. He had a quick PA followed by a long EA. He had detatched himself emotionally from me but still wanted sex. I felt the change, but thought it was me. Is your H giving you all the emotional love that you need? If not, start there and the sexual attraction might follow. It did for me, after I discovered the A and we began to connect again emotionally. I am attracted to him again and want sex with him.

You are not alone with this sex issue. There are plenty of us out there. All with different stories and reasons for it.

womaninflux posted 2/9/2014 10:14 AM

MR - Do not blame yourself for things that were already in play (porn addiction, childhood issues unresolved) in your WH before you knew him. His affair is in NO WAY your fault. Again, please do not blame yourself. It is not your fault.

Blaming yourself does nothing to help you understand what happened or why it happened. It doesn't promote healing. If he is telling you that you not wanting sex enough is the reason he had an affair, that is blame shifting, not taking responsibility for what happened or looking within himself for answers. It is never, under any circumstances, OK to look outside of a relationship to "fix things."

MsRukia posted 2/9/2014 10:22 AM

I don't know. Some of them were funny. But any with pictures bothered me. I told him so and we stopped. He tells me he's just trying to find ways to help me open up again.

Thing is I feel like we are moving forward and in a good place. I want to stay married. I want to heal. I love him and our family. I am now at a close friends stage with him. I look forward to him coming home. I want to spend Tim with him. I keep feeling like the romantic feelings should follow at some point right? We are still less than a year out from DD.

[This message edited by MsRukia at 10:25 AM, February 9th (Sunday)]

Kelany posted 2/9/2014 10:32 AM

What was the purpose of trolling craigslist? Why would be even suggest that in "fun"? That was him fantasizing or hoping to see OW there to have contact in his mind. It's nasty imo.

You need to set boundaries. If he wants to R, he needs to stop treating you like a blow up doll. I know this because I lived it. For years.

He's abusing you. Blaming you. You are not the problem.

Are YOU in IC?

MsRukia posted 2/9/2014 11:05 AM

Sam: I am in IC. Though he says he wonders if it is really helping me. I think she helps me a lot. I have been able to voice so many things to him thanks to her helping me to clarify what I'm feeling or thinking. As far as Craig's List I dunno. I can tend to lean into being a little more freaky when I want to be and I'm relaxed. He has pressured me for years on the sex front. Always saying that he desires me and wants to be with me. But then when I struggle or am having a hard time he feels rejected and unloved. He said that was part of his justification for cheating. He wasn't hurting me because he was getting sex and in turn he didn't have to bother me for sex. I have done so much work in this area. But I'm tired. He wants to know what I want, but I just don't know right now. He says he wants me to be sexually happy, but I'm done right now. I'm tired of trying to live up to sexual standards I can't meet. It doesn't help that my normal meter is broke.

Sam can you expound on your abuse comment?

MsRukia posted 2/9/2014 11:10 AM

Oh and I did want to add. I have healed from all the abuse. But the affair triggered all the bad feelings I had associated from them. I explained this to him. He says he just can't understand why I would be dragging that all around still. That sex is fun, I seem to enjoy it, so why would it be negative. And that it must be tiring for me to be remembering it all the time.

I always feel like I'm the problem and if I could just get over it we would be good.

Morhurt posted 2/9/2014 11:18 AM

I can relate. For years (ever?) before DDay it felt like no matter how much sex we had, H would want more. It was usually quick and fairly detached because I was always tired and unmotivated. There was a TON of guilt. I "knew" he wasn't satisfied and that was scary. I never considered how I felt though, never thought about my own satisfaction level at all.

One thing I read on SI (might have been by Tushnurse) was that she thought about all the time her H spent pleasing himself and the AP(s) and decided she deserved payback for that. Sex became all about her and her satisfaction. She stopped worrying about pleasing him altogether.

I've been trying that a bit and it helps. I've never been a very good "receiver", always felt guilty and burdensome. It turns out that he enjoys pleasing me and I like it too and I feel like an active and important participant in our love making rather than a "hole" (sorry, so crude) now.

I think with emotional connection the love making will follow. But really, trolling Craig's list etc is pretty unlikely to arouse you in a meaningful way.

Kelany posted 2/9/2014 11:57 AM

First, I want to preface this by saying we are very similar. I was abused sexually as a child. I was taught sex is bad, dirty, etc. I was brought up very religious conservative.

I sought out sex as an adult as a way to seek acceptance and love. It didn't work.

My husband is SA in recovery. He looked at porn daily, masturbated 3-4 times a day. He USED me sexually. We had no intimacy. Then the affairs. I was basically a receptacle to him.

He too hated my "low" drive. I had a drive, just not with him. Plus, 5 issues for me, etc.

I tried so hard, but it was never enough. I didn't give enough oral. Why couldn't I do it daily? Why not more positions? Why wouldn't I dress up? Watch porn? Anal?

I did not have an orgasm through penetration until we'd been together for over 5 years. Why? Because it was always about HIM and his needs, never me.

If I didn't want to have sex...well what about a hand job or a blow job?

Huh, why didn't he ever JUST offer oral to me? Oh, because it was about HIM.

It's taken a lot for him to get out of that mindset. Sex isn't about pleasing only ourselves. It's about pleasing our partner, in return, we get pleasures by them. His focus shouldn't be on him, yet it is.

He's still blaming you, justifying. He's still in a wayward mindset.

You are benefitting from IC. He likely is uncomfortable because you are growing, calling him out, no longer mousey. He wants you to just keep pleasing him vs. him owning his shit and fixing it. He'd rather blame you.

To me, this is emotional abuse. He's not respecting you. He does not have boundaries. He's not taking responsibility for his actions. He is not helping you at all.

sisoon posted 2/9/2014 11:58 AM

Is it possible you're not yet fully healed from the sexual abuse?

I can't describe exactly why I feel this way, but I think you're taking blame in a way that results from the abuse.

For example, all kids are needy, because there's so little they can do for themselves. But you appeared needier, because your needs weren't being met. Worse, you weren't just neglected, which is awful to begin with - you were abused. But I read your comment about emotional neediness growing up as indicator of a possible problem with you. But you weren't the problem; your abusers and non-defenders were the problem.

It sounds like you always adjust your sexual desires to what your partners want. Aren't you really angry that your doesn't really focus on what you want. He may want to do things you like, but it sounds like he does that to get what he wants. I can see not wanting sex with someone who won't focus just on you, at least part of the time.

Bottom line: I read you to be blaming yourself for the fix you're in. There is, of course, a possibility that you are the problem - but I can't help thinking that the problem lies outside you - and I'm a guy who usually posts just the opposite.

I offer a hug of support (no sex), but you're free to refuse it: (((MsRukia)))

Kelany posted 2/9/2014 11:59 AM

Morhurt, so right.

refuz2bavictim posted 2/9/2014 12:09 PM

This statement

I have healed from all the abuse.

and this statement

I always feel like I'm the problem and if I could just get over it we would be good.

seem to be at odds, and I only say this because part of the healing process is realizing you don't get over the abuse. I also think your WS is using some of that past as an excuse to keep doing as he pleases.
"I had sex with someone else so I didn't bother you." NOT acceptable.
Let's look at help you open up. NO

It is really hard for me to shake the feeling that he is using your past to justify his choices.

I hesitate to say the word that is bouncing around in my head, because I don't want to offend you...but I'm going to take the risk anyway.

Grooming. It sounds like he's grooming you to continue with this behavior, and get your "permission" to do so.

I think asking you to troll craigslist was less about you opening up than it was about him getting something. That's the thing with addiction. What's he done about his addiction? About his issues. What's he doing to fix his very serious issues, other than telling you all about yours????


MsRukia posted 2/9/2014 12:18 PM

You guys post some very valid points.
On the outside WH seems very concerned for my happiness in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom.
At one point we were having sex 3-4 times a week yet he said his preference would be everyday.
He says he enjoys sex and wants it yet he won't pressure me. But then he says that he won't stop trying.
Then yesterday we went to a function. After I triggered he kept mentioning how this girl or that girl was cute. And how he likes checking out girls with me.

Bah the more I type the more frustrated I feel. I don't know whether he is genuinely trying to help or if it's him being a jerk.

[This message edited by MsRukia at 12:19 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 2/9/2014 12:19 PM

After I triggered he kept mentioning how this girl or that girl was cute. And how he likes checking out girls with me.

You don't deserve to be subjected to that.

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