SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

filledwithsorrow posted 2/9/2014 02:37 AM

It's been 2 weeks since I found out my H cheated on me. We have been together for 16 years and in June would be 14 of marriage. We have 2 D ages 8&12. I never saw this coming, weeks ago if asked why I loved him, my primary response would be that I trusted him. I never turned him away sexually, often was rejected sexually.., I always complimented him, was kind loving and caring yet independent and not clingy. I came home From a weekends away for my D soccer tournament. I was cleaning the house I found a bag that had HER stripper boots and empty bottles of vodka. I called him at work and confronted him, he fessed up. He came home and was devestated claiming he was so sorry and he loved me and would do what ever it takes. I was devestated, never saw this coming. I thought we were happy, he wasn't able to stop communication with her..I found a message he wrote her saying he was going through the motions for the Sake of the kids.... And that he loved her (she is a 29 yr prostitute with tattoos on her face!) I lost my mind when I read that and kicked him out. He is living at his parents now, he keeps promising me it is over and he loves me and is in therapy. I don't know how to go forward.,, I love him but am so hurt by this insane for of betrayal and with a fantasy that he knows can never be a reality... I don't know what to do but know I won't make any snap decisions yet either for reconciliation or termination, I am just trying to get through each day .,, one day at a time

stronger08 posted 2/9/2014 03:33 AM

Welcome FWS. Its very slow here on weekends so don't get deterred if you don't get many responses right away. People will be along to help you with advice and support. Your story is a sad but common one here at SI. Your WS is not the first dope to fall for a stripper/prostitute. I applaud your strength to kick him out, its often better for a BS to away from the WS in order to process what has happened. Your in no rush to make a decision and take all the time you need to absorb this and be able to make an informed choice. Right now your personal healing is paramount. He has already made his bed, now he must sleep in it till your able to decide on what you want to do. Some tips you may want to take are as follows: As she is a sex worker its imperative that you get to a Dr. and be tested for all STD's. Don't believe one word he says about protection. Insist he be tested also. Do not have unprotected sex with him till you have results. Cheaters lie and minimize so whatever he claims you just cant trust. You also might want to get a Read up in he healing library, much info and advice there. Educate yourself about this journey your about to take. Knowledge is power so get all you can. Chances are your only scratching the surface right now so be prepared for more shit to come out. Please keep reading and posting. We are here to help you. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but this place is a godsend for folks like us.

jjct posted 2/9/2014 07:04 AM

stronger said it well - definitely get tested.
Yes, it's a common thing here. I applaud you for protecting yourself from him and kicking him out. See, some "snap decisions" are good.
Another good decision is to get a free consult with a few attorneys. Find out your rights, what to expect, etc. It will help ground you.
Take care of yourself - keep posting!
We got your back.

cluless posted 2/9/2014 10:14 AM

((filledwithsorrow))

So sorry the pain & heartbreak you have experienced. My WH cheated on me when we were married 13 years (seems to be the magic number.) I'm 6 months out from D Day, and I'm still hurting. There are better days, but it hasn't been easy.

My initial response was to throw him out, but his parents are 400 miles away and he is the sole provider. So didn't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. I'm glad I moved him into the guest bedroom instead. We have been through HELL, but it has been worth it. My FIRST advice to you is to tell your WH that there is to be NC! Period. If he breaks that, then you are out, dealbreaker. Even if you feel like D right now, you HAVE to give it at least 6 months before you make any major life decisions. There were times when I was DONE... would go weeks without talking to him, I've hit him (never have hit anybody in my life), but we have decided to make a new relationship. Our M wasn't good, I was extremely ill, and he felt sorry for himself. He always put himself first, thus why our marriage fell apart. Instead of being a man and leading this family into a healthier situation, he chose the cowards way out & sought out his first girlfriend.

Believe it or not, you're still in shock, this does get more painful as the realization this really happened. So, TAKE care of yourself! I lost 35 lbs. in 2 months, I couldn't eat. Start journaling (if you haven't started already.) This will help to verbalize your pain. If your WH really loves you & wants this to work, then he will do WHATEVER it takes to prove to you he is done with the OW & is committed to you.

How are your kids dealing with this? This is VERY traumatic for the kids. You should get all of you into counseling, beware, there are a lot of idiots out there. I've had horrible counselors and it's very disconcerting, but keep looking. Remember, we are always here if you need to vent.

filledwithsorrow posted 2/9/2014 21:16 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses. I know I am still on shock and just going through extreme sadness and anger. We had to do things all together this weekend. His mother is making me crazy with her "advice" making comments like " you just need to take him home and live him, talk to him, there are always 2 sides to the story" implying that I had some fault in him having the affair. I am all one for looking at my part or what can I do differently but he never showed any signs if unhappiness and I NEVER denied him sexually. I also have lost 10lbs in 2 weeks... Eating is a struggle. Yes also with getting tested, I am on it. We were together during his 3 month romp with this prostitute. He has been sending me love songs and asking to come home. We sat down today and had a long talk. I said he can not come home yet. He said that is in on my time, but he wants to rebuild our family... It's this seesaw of love and dispair ... I still have images of him with her (I had found her website) and little realizations that kill me.. Like he spent my entire Birthday with her.. The pain is so deep. I just keep praying and taking care of myself and our girls.

forwardfromhere posted 2/9/2014 21:46 PM

I'm so sorry sweetie. I found out they were planning Valentine's day together. It makes you wonder how you can go on living when big days like that are just another way to tear the hole in your heart wider. You sound very strong. Keep saying no for 6 months. I made a mistake to give into the begging for an R before thar and it doesn't last 12 hours. Make WS feel the long term pain of life without you. And if you can - I am trying - feel the joy of life without WS. You deserve it. Hugs.

kalimata posted 2/10/2014 08:44 AM

Sorrow:

1) REMEMBER THIS IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. Although you may have contributed to the conditions that led to the affair. Having the affair is 100% your WH's fault, and only his.

2) I would expose to more people than just to your MIL. Tell his father, your parents, your older kids (in an age appropriate manner), to close friends that you both share, religious leader, etc. Expose all in ONE big swoop. Provide evidence if anyone asks. When exposing tell them that you need help in saving your marriage.

3) Confront: you have had what I would call a 'soft' confront. You need to outline the terms for him clearly on what he needs to do to save the marriage: initiate no contact via letter, STD check, write up a detailed timeline of the affair, copies of all cell phone records and credit card statements, turn over all passwords, social media accounts, no more guys nights out, no events involving alcohol unless you both are there, no texting or emailing other women except family, agreement to enter marital and individual counseling, change his phone #, etc. He is never to contact this prostitute again for the rest of his life.

4) If he doesn't agree to everything in #3 then tell him that you will be seeing a divorce attorney. The mere threat of a divorce will often shock waywards back into shape. Better yet if you can get papers drawn up and have him served, this most certainly will throw him for a loop. You can always withdraw the divorce motion later, but many times the shock of seeing what they will lose will often snap Waywards out of their fog.

norabird posted 2/10/2014 10:26 AM

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately this is going to take time. Time for your pain to lessen, time to see if he is 'going through the motions' or sincere. It's good that he's in therapy and living separately. Let him focus on what he's done, and you focus on YOU and what your needs are right now.

Sending you strength and peace. No one should have to be in this position.