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Pregnant and Confused

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BabyZontheWay posted 2/9/2014 10:23 AM

My husband has cheated on me with a woman he has known for years.

A little back story:

We got married in mid December of last year. I am almost 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. He had been dragging his feet a bit about marriage, and I told him several times that we could just NOT get married and co-parent our little girl without drama. He insisted that he wanted to be a family, and in December we "ran off" to Hawaii and got hitched. Just the two of us.

I travel for work, so after we returned I had to go straight back on another plane and was gone for four days. I returned, and everything seemed to be fine and continued as normal.

Last week, something came over me, and I decided to look at his emails. he always left his mail open so I didn't have to do any detective work. I didn't expect to find anything, but was drawn to an innocent looking chat he was having with this old friend. I kept reading, and found out they'd slept together about a month before we got married, and twice THE SAME DAY we came back from getting married!

Initially, I kicked him out of the house. I was heading to my midwife appointment and he asked if he could please be there. We went to the appointment and I started to feel an overwhelming urge to "reclaim" my husband, to put it mildly. We went back to his hotel and slept together, and have slept together several times since. I am still so angry and haven't forgiven him. Still snooping around in his emails and looking over his shoulder when he's texting. I just can't understand why I've been so willing to give my body to someone who had no regard for me. I feel shame for letting him back in so easily.

Has anyone else been through this? We are both going to counseling in a few days, and I am hoping we can get some answers, but I just need to spill my guts and just can't wait for our counseling session to let this out!

BrooklynLove posted 2/9/2014 10:53 AM

Yes I have done the same thing. Hysterical Bonding is a common phenomenon that happens after an affair is discovered. The BS wants to reclaim their WS and it can last for weeks or months. I actually got pregnant during HB and it just made our R impossible. Do not let him know you are investigating because the affair will just go underground. Put a keylogger on the computer, put an app on his phone to listen to his conversations, and put VAR's in his car. I would also put a GPS tracker in his car. The best way to end an affair is to expose the affair. Expose to her BS, family and lose friends. Expose her on Facebook and have him send her a NC letter and block her from all social media and phones. Please expose this OW fast with no warning. Do not be scared about exposure, you will be surprise to see how much support you get, especially with the fact that you are pregnant.

BabyZontheWay posted 2/9/2014 11:44 AM

I did actually expose her on Facebook, but she quickly deleted what I wrote and made her profile private.

She has no remorse and doesn't seem to think what she did was wrong, so all I can do is focus on him. (He was the one who made the vows, after all.) He doesn't know I have been looking through his phone, and I don't think he is stupid enough to let anything out again, if he is still talking to her. I have her phone number and all the emails they exchanged put away in a safe spot if I choose to go through with a divorce.

Where do I find an app that I can put on his phone? Being able to track messages will really give me some peace of mind. I need to make sure this affair is over before I can make a decision to stay in our relationship.

Skan posted 2/9/2014 21:01 PM

There is an investigative tips forum here, however I think that you need to have made a minimum of posts before you can go there. You may want to ask a guide or a moderator. Go to the HOME screen and click on one of the names of the moderators.

The HB that you have gone through with your WH is somewhat common. Among other things, its a need to reclaim what is yours. However, from this point on, you need to make sure that he uses a condom OR not have sex with him until you both have been to a doctor and had a FULL STD/HIV screening. You need to get on the phone first thing tomorrow morning to your OB/GYNs office, tell them that your WH has been unfaithful, and that you need an immediate appointment for this full panel screening. Your health and the health of your baby depends on this. You need to do this even if he swears on the head of his unborn child that he used a condom every time. Why? Because he's a proven liar and liars lie. Plus, condoms don't catch everything and, if there was oral sex and/or kissing involved, well, then it wasn't safe sex. He needs to bring you his written proof that he is STD/HIV free or his doctor needs to call you and give you the information. You cannot trust his word on this. And yes, it's going to hurt like hell. Every one of us has had to do this we truly understand.

Keep coming back for support. We're all here for you

Sadmumma posted 2/10/2014 07:38 AM

Love I know it's scary with a baby on the way.... I had a feeling WH was up to no good during my pregnancy and when baby was 5 weeks old I found the proof and kicked him out.

The amount of support I've got from friends and family is amazing. Gather evidence, take care of you and bubba xx

norabird posted 2/10/2014 10:31 AM

What an awful position to be in! I'm so sorry. It sounds like your husband is not very remorseful. Look in the 'healing library' in the yellow box in the upper lefthand corner. In FAQ for BS, read up on the healing library. Pulling back would be good right now as your emotions are going to be going all over the place. Focus on your upcoming daughter's birth and get support from family and friends, and for now, try to pull back from intimacy with him that he has not earned even though it is a natural urge.

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