I just need to release some extremely confusing emotions for a sec. Bear with me.
This week has been the most up and down of all weeks so far. You would think that with DDay #2, this week would have been mostly downs, and stayed there. But the ups have been higher as well. So I'm exhausted.
The downs are obvious. I was lied to and manipulated for 3 months longer than I thought. I'm having to process new lies, new images in my head, and new realizations from scratch again. I'm having to deal with the humiliation and anger of the false R.
But the ups? I wasn't expecting this. It's like the switch that was flipped in WH during the A has suddenly been flipped back. The remorse I was desperately searching for and not seeing during these months of false R is now so obvious and clear. There's a sudden lucidity in WH that I just don't think he could fake. We've had more productive conversations in the last week than we've had in the previous 3 months....or really more productive than we've had in the last 15 years. I see someone who I could actually love and respect again. And I don't want to give him up, now that he's so committed to looking at all the crap buried so deep in there. He wants to be a healthier, stronger, better person. He's taking it so seriously. And he's being everything I need him to be right now. Everything. I can't think of a single thing he could be doing better.
But because I feel such relief and hope now when I look at WH, I find myself being REALLY careful about protecting myself, and making sure I never find myself so vulnerable again. And that kind of self-protection brings with it it's own kind of pain. This is the first time in all of this I've met with a divorce attorney. I just decided I really needed to know my options and get my ducks in a row. I don't want to be a fool again. I'm planning a week away by myself to focus on my health, and to get my head in a better place.
But the painful part is that I find myself bringing all the painful thoughts and images of everything to my mind over and over now. Before, I let myself think about everything, but once I felt I had absorbed each image or thought enough, I worked on letting it go. Not that I was all that successful, mind you. But I was making progress. Now it just doesn't feel safe to let go of ANY of that pain. So I replay everything over and over and over. I don't want to forget a moment of the pain right now, because I don't want to let myself feel the vulnerability of anything being "okay."
I don't know if any of this makes sense. I just needed to write it out. Maybe let WH read it so he can make some sense out of my roller coaster of alternating between rage and hope.
I know time will help - if WH is sincere and strong enough to continue on his path, I know my own pain and fear will lessen. I just hate it that we're starting over with this hurt now. It hurts hurts hurts.