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Riding the waves

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JustShine posted 2/9/2014 12:58 PM

I just need to release some extremely confusing emotions for a sec. Bear with me.

This week has been the most up and down of all weeks so far. You would think that with DDay #2, this week would have been mostly downs, and stayed there. But the ups have been higher as well. So I'm exhausted.

The downs are obvious. I was lied to and manipulated for 3 months longer than I thought. I'm having to process new lies, new images in my head, and new realizations from scratch again. I'm having to deal with the humiliation and anger of the false R.

But the ups? I wasn't expecting this. It's like the switch that was flipped in WH during the A has suddenly been flipped back. The remorse I was desperately searching for and not seeing during these months of false R is now so obvious and clear. There's a sudden lucidity in WH that I just don't think he could fake. We've had more productive conversations in the last week than we've had in the previous 3 months....or really more productive than we've had in the last 15 years. I see someone who I could actually love and respect again. And I don't want to give him up, now that he's so committed to looking at all the crap buried so deep in there. He wants to be a healthier, stronger, better person. He's taking it so seriously. And he's being everything I need him to be right now. Everything. I can't think of a single thing he could be doing better.

But because I feel such relief and hope now when I look at WH, I find myself being REALLY careful about protecting myself, and making sure I never find myself so vulnerable again. And that kind of self-protection brings with it it's own kind of pain. This is the first time in all of this I've met with a divorce attorney. I just decided I really needed to know my options and get my ducks in a row. I don't want to be a fool again. I'm planning a week away by myself to focus on my health, and to get my head in a better place.

But the painful part is that I find myself bringing all the painful thoughts and images of everything to my mind over and over now. Before, I let myself think about everything, but once I felt I had absorbed each image or thought enough, I worked on letting it go. Not that I was all that successful, mind you. But I was making progress. Now it just doesn't feel safe to let go of ANY of that pain. So I replay everything over and over and over. I don't want to forget a moment of the pain right now, because I don't want to let myself feel the vulnerability of anything being "okay."

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I just needed to write it out. Maybe let WH read it so he can make some sense out of my roller coaster of alternating between rage and hope.

I know time will help - if WH is sincere and strong enough to continue on his path, I know my own pain and fear will lessen. I just hate it that we're starting over with this hurt now. It hurts hurts hurts.

Morhurt posted 2/9/2014 13:21 PM

It makes complete sense to me.

veronique12 posted 2/9/2014 13:29 PM

Understand everything you wrote. I've dealt with TT and learning some really really bad details in the last 2 weeks and I'm back to square one. Now thx to the deets the mind movies are killing me. Whereas before we were HB now the thought of sex or kissing repulses me-- to the core. I am so full of rage that I just destroyed photos, old anniversary cards, condoms(!) that he had in his drawer, like 10 minutes ago. The thing is like ur H mine seems to have finally "gotten it" after 2 months and I can see the sincerity in his eyes. It's just that the truth he's now so eager to reveal is so painful that I can't help but lash out. Really hateful things are pouring out of me in between me saying thank you for coming clean. I'm a lunatic right now, plain and simple.

Just so angry that he didn't come clean at the start. Instead he's chosen to reveal slowly so with each reveal all the progress I made is gone. I have to keep rewriting and reprocessing the story in my mind over and over with sharper and more hurtful and disgusting images. It's almost unbearable.

Thanks not sure how much I've helped, prob not at all, but just needed to vent and I knew you'd understand. Keep venting. You've got a lot to process.

Btw what did your lawyer say? I've been considering talking to one too. Any questions I should be asking?

JustShine posted 2/9/2014 13:51 PM

Sorry you're in the same boat, veronique12. :( The anger is really overwhelming. For me, this week has been swinging from that blinding anger, to feeling closer to WH than I've felt in years - and we had a great marriage before this. I feel a deeper connection to him today than I have in ages. It's terrifying.

The visit with the lawyer was helpful for me. I had some specific questions for him, but I think it really depends on your situation what would be important for you to ask. The thing is, I really really don't want a divorce, especially now, if H's epiphany holds. But it still made me feel a lot better to know that I've reached out and established a relationship with an attorney, so if my situation changes from R to D, that's one less thing to have to freak out about. And honestly, it just makes me feel like less of a chump to have done it.

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