So BH mentioned that after DDay he had looked up all kinds of info on XAP....address, phone number, license plate numbers,etc. He said he had found it out incase he decided to confront XAP...I hadn't known that before now and commented that he is certainly in a position to fuck with XAP if he wanted to, but then I added he shouldn't. He walked out of the room then to go to our DD and we didn't discuss it again.
I don't know if I upset him by saying that, but certainly wasn't trying to. I also don't want him to think I was trying to protect the XAP cuz I also wasn't doing that....I just don't want him doing anything that would hurt our family more than I already have. I just want to forget about XAP and move on with our life.
What do others think about this? Was I wrong to say I don't want him to do anything? Should I have explained it to him? Any other thoughts?
I think it's very natural for a BH to want to confront the person that violated his "territory." I think talking to your BH and explaining what you meant is a very good thing to do.
I did the same as your husband. I know where her AP lives, his birthday date, phone number, parents address, boss name, etc. I got this info also so I could smash is life so he wouldn't go away with this.
One time I made a parallel. My wife have a hole in herself because of FOO issues. Her A filled that hole for the 15-20 minutes she was with her AP, but her hole was always coming back. She have to fix what's broken in herself in order to feel better.
Punching her AP in the face would make me feel good for maybe 15-20 minutes, but it would not give me my life back. Then, I would have to live with the consequences of what I did. If I have to go to court, what would my children think?
I don't think you are protecting your AP, but when my wife was telling me that I shouldn't do this, I was thinking the same. Until she told me that she didn't care at all about him, but more about me and the family.
Hope this helps...
I'll be willing to guess your H may be hyper-alert and look at anything you say about what he should do with regard to confronting AP in a less than positive light. It could be even if you did explain to him why you said that, as you did to us here, he may say "Oh sure, you can tell ME what I should do for our family, how nice... You didn't consult me before you nuked it...".
I'm not saying that is rational, I'm just saying that he might be very sensitive to anything with regard to the A for a while.
You know him better than we do. Maybe if you said, whatever you do, I'll post your bail babe, but I'd rather you were right here with me"...
he'd take it less abrasively, or maybe he'd think you wanted him in jail! What do you think is the response that your H needed from you here....
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I think I will do what others suggested. ...just bring it up and explain to him where I was coming from.
I don't think he would confront xAP now, I feel like if he were going to he would have already.
One of the tough things for me personally in dealing with these particular feelings has been that I did not see him before as someone capable of doing violence and I did not want to change that perception of him. I always saw him as a pacifist in the sense that he would use physical confrontation only as necessary to pacify an aggressor. Sort of a chivalry thing, I guess. It seems now that he sees a violent confrontation as a way to somehow tip the balance of suffering away from him to AP, if only a little.
At the end of the day I know I can't control his choice. I think premeditated violence would be a deal breaker for me. I hope and pray we never have to find out.
Digging our way through.
I hadn't known that before now and commented that he is certainly in a position to fuck with XAP if he wanted to, but then I added he shouldn't.
Be prepared for him to very resistant to any other interpretation.
She handled that situation beautifully IMO.
he is certainly in a position to fuck with XAP if he wanted to, but then I added he shouldn't
See, here's where BBT went right, and you went wrong. She (in my recollection) pretty much said, "You're a big boy and I know you're aware of the consequences of giving xAP a beat-down. I'm worried that something will happen, but it's not my place to tell you what to do. Have fun at the party."
Of course I totally get where you were coming from, when you said "he shouldn't," but we really need to fall over ourselves to avoid dictating to our BH what he "should and shouldn't" do WRT anything A-related. That's trigger city, IMO.
After DD goes to bed I am going to bring it up with my BH.
I would caution you to REALLY work on your phrasing of things. Instead of a generic, "don't fuck with the AP" that can be open for him to interpret however he wants to- be specific. "I know you are really hurting, but I'm afraid of you getting into trouble if you stalk him or try to fight him."
If he is acting mad, it might be a good idea to bring it up with him and clarify what you meant.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
Neither of us have had any contact with them since that day, well actually a few days after that day cuz that's when I confessed to his BW. We live 30 minutes away from them and both of us avoid their town as much as possible. My concern is that if he were to contact him now it would stir everything up again, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if they got lawyers involved.
I do understand that I don't really have the right to say what he can or can't do since I am the one who put him in this position in the first place.
It's definitely not cuz I am concerned about the XAP though, I really don't give a flying fuck what happens to him.....the karma bus will come to him though....he is only 34 and will probably only be able to walk and take care of himself for a few more years.
I wasn't protecting OP, I was worried about my BH. But by not trusting and believing that my BH would make the right decisions, I let him down again.
[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 8:56 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]
He had the best possible response. You do whatever you need to do for YOU. I support whatever you want. Please don't go to jail. I don't want to lose you. He couldn't have said anything that made me feel better. It said he cared about me NOT her. He loved me enough to let me have ANYTHING I needed, and he didn't want anything bad to happen to me.
Instead of "no, no, no honey, you've got it all wrong, I didn't mean anything by it..."
I try to say "you're absolutely right, I can't believe I didn't think that would make you uncomfortable..."
im not sure if you have really considered what you said in your post.
i mean this gently.
i note in your profile that you are struggling to reconcile. that means YOUR infidelity was NOT a deal breaker and your husband is struggling with you to create a new relationship with you after your marriage was killed. correct?
so your husband hitting some the AP "maybe" would be a deal breaker for you?
do you see a bit of a double standard there? you really find an act of violence to be WORSE to your marriage than an act of complete and utter betrayal, especially one committed repeatedly and over a long period of time that deliberately killed the marriage?
my WW gave me the same speech about how an act of violence towards the men (in her case, many of them) would be a deal breaker. i told her that i havent decided what im going to do yet but that if she couldnt deal with then then id either help her pack her bags or pack my own. i also added that she had better look really hard at what i am willing to try to forgive versus what she says she cant forgive.
speaking as a BS, i see this as a massive double standard that is being unfairly imposed now - after a much worse act done by the WS. im willing to bet that he does too.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
Xap tried to contact BH once after the d day and bh simply hung up on him.
I agree that I would not want BH to confront xap for fear that it would get physical and I wouldn't want it to look back on BH. Not protecting xap at all.
He threw me under the bus big time and part of me would probably enjoy seeing him get what he deserves though :)
D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM
Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012
I just want to forget about XAP and move on with our life.
As a BS, just wanted to comment on this. It is likely quite a bit harder for your BH to forget XAP and move on.