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is this protecting the XaP? Bs welcome

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Alyssamd24 posted 2/9/2014 13:00 PM

My BH and I don't discuss the A as much as we had before, but it still comes up often. I recently installed a new GPS tracking app on my cell phone....I can enter certain locations and it will send messages to my BH telling him when I was at a specific location. The problem is you have to enter the doesn't randomly tell him where I am. So if I were somewhere with XAP my BH wouldn't know if I hadn't entered that address to the app. We were discussing how to deal with this and I mentioned I can't even give him XAPs address because I don't know it....he and his BW have moved since the final DDay.

So BH mentioned that after DDay he had looked up all kinds of info on XAP....address, phone number, license plate numbers,etc. He said he had found it out incase he decided to confront XAP...I hadn't known that before now and commented that he is certainly in a position to fuck with XAP if he wanted to, but then I added he shouldn't. He walked out of the room then to go to our DD and we didn't discuss it again.

I don't know if I upset him by saying that, but certainly wasn't trying to. I also don't want him to think I was trying to protect the XAP cuz I also wasn't doing that....I just don't want him doing anything that would hurt our family more than I already have. I just want to forget about XAP and move on with our life.

What do others think about this? Was I wrong to say I don't want him to do anything? Should I have explained it to him? Any other thoughts?

Neveragain1221 posted 2/9/2014 13:21 PM

It looks more like you're protecting your relationship and your BS, not your XAP. If your BH seeks out, torments, or confronts XAP, he could wind up with a criminal record or worse if XAP presses charges.

I think it's very natural for a BH to want to confront the person that violated his "territory." I think talking to your BH and explaining what you meant is a very good thing to do.

greengiant posted 2/9/2014 13:30 PM

BH here.

I did the same as your husband. I know where her AP lives, his birthday date, phone number, parents address, boss name, etc. I got this info also so I could smash is life so he wouldn't go away with this.

One time I made a parallel. My wife have a hole in herself because of FOO issues. Her A filled that hole for the 15-20 minutes she was with her AP, but her hole was always coming back. She have to fix what's broken in herself in order to feel better.

Punching her AP in the face would make me feel good for maybe 15-20 minutes, but it would not give me my life back. Then, I would have to live with the consequences of what I did. If I have to go to court, what would my children think?

I don't think you are protecting your AP, but when my wife was telling me that I shouldn't do this, I was thinking the same. Until she told me that she didn't care at all about him, but more about me and the family.

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 2/9/2014 13:31 PM

I think he may have gotten upset, the worst thing to feel is that you may care about the other persons well being more then your husbands. If my F said to not go mess up is FOW I would feel some sort of way. One day he got mad at me and said "I wish you would just go beat her ass". Did he really want me to, no. He explained to me exactly what you wrote on here....Thats its not about protecting her from me. Its about protecting our family from her. If i was to go do something stupid like that i would surely end up in jail, lose my job, and a whole bunch of other non-sense. Just explain it to him next time your around the subject. Tell him you have been thinking about his reaction to what you said and that you wanted to make something clear to him. Then just tell him how much you love him!

Hope this helps...

JustWow posted 2/9/2014 13:31 PM

Well, you've told us why you said that, but did you tell your BS why you said that?

I'll be willing to guess your H may be hyper-alert and look at anything you say about what he should do with regard to confronting AP in a less than positive light. It could be even if you did explain to him why you said that, as you did to us here, he may say "Oh sure, you can tell ME what I should do for our family, how nice... You didn't consult me before you nuked it...".

I'm not saying that is rational, I'm just saying that he might be very sensitive to anything with regard to the A for a while.

You know him better than we do. Maybe if you said, whatever you do, I'll post your bail babe, but I'd rather you were right here with me"...
he'd take it less abrasively, or maybe he'd think you wanted him in jail! What do you think is the response that your H needed from you here....

Alyssamd24 posted 2/9/2014 13:38 PM

Just wow,
I think the response he may have wanted was I understand why he feels the way he does, but I don't want anything to happen to him (like jail or losing his job). Im guessing that's what he is thinking, but I don't know.

I think I will do what others suggested. ...just bring it up and explain to him where I was coming from.

I don't think he would confront xAP now, I feel like if he were going to he would have already.

grains posted 2/9/2014 13:39 PM

Please take the time to explain to your BH the reason why you feel that he should not commit an act of violence on the XAP. Like you said, it is to protect him and your family. It is important for him to know that your concern is for him and your family and not the XAP. He might feel that you are trying to protect the XAP.
I understand what you mean when you say you just want to forget the XAP and move on with your life. To forget might be understood as a refusal to accept responsibility but I do not think that is what you meant. You are referring to the pain that the A has caused your family and your BS. The XAP will always be part of what happened and will be referenced by our BS as they need to for their healing. We should always keep this in mind and talk about it with our BS. It will always be painful as we move forward with our lives.
Good luck on your recovery and reconciliation.

refuz2bavictim posted 2/9/2014 14:06 PM

What you explained here makes complete sense. You want to protect your family from any more fall out from the A. Definitely talk to him about this. Remember that he may still need to have his anger validated, but your motives appear crystal clear.

EvolvingSoul posted 2/9/2014 14:38 PM

My BS has also kept tabs on AP, but I don't know the extent of it. I think he keeps it secret because he was so conditioned by me constantly giving AP the advantage over him, information-wise. To this day I am not sure he trusts me not to warn AP if he were to say that a confrontation was imminent. He has struggled a lot with the urge to confront and repay the debt. My objections to a confrontation are very much like yours, Alyssa, and his reaction has been very much like your BS's. I think the key is to just consistently show with your words and actions that you don't blame him for feeling that way while still advocating for non-violence.

One of the tough things for me personally in dealing with these particular feelings has been that I did not see him before as someone capable of doing violence and I did not want to change that perception of him. I always saw him as a pacifist in the sense that he would use physical confrontation only as necessary to pacify an aggressor. Sort of a chivalry thing, I guess. It seems now that he sees a violent confrontation as a way to somehow tip the balance of suffering away from him to AP, if only a little.

At the end of the day I know I can't control his choice. I think premeditated violence would be a deal breaker for me. I hope and pray we never have to find out.

Keep breathing.

Brandon808 posted 2/9/2014 14:43 PM

I hadn't known that before now and commented that he is certainly in a position to fuck with XAP if he wanted to, but then I added he shouldn't.
I would recommend you write it down. Write down exactly what you were thinking and feeling in that moment. When you said he shouldn't do that what was going through your mind. Based on that one sentence it could be perceived as you saying "You have the ability to hurt OM and I don't want OM hurt."

Be prepared for him to very resistant to any other interpretation.

20WrongsVs1 posted 2/9/2014 17:42 PM

Alyssa, read BrokenButTrying's thread Help Me, Please!

She handled that situation beautifully IMO.

he is certainly in a position to fuck with XAP if he wanted to, but then I added he shouldn't

See, here's where BBT went right, and you went wrong. She (in my recollection) pretty much said, "You're a big boy and I know you're aware of the consequences of giving xAP a beat-down. I'm worried that something will happen, but it's not my place to tell you what to do. Have fun at the party."

Of course I totally get where you were coming from, when you said "he shouldn't," but we really need to fall over ourselves to avoid dictating to our BH what he "should and shouldn't" do WRT anything A-related. That's trigger city, IMO.

Alyssamd24 posted 2/9/2014 18:01 PM

Thanks for the info on the other post.....I just read it and now see what you're talking about.

After DD goes to bed I am going to bring it up with my BH.

BeyondBreaking posted 2/9/2014 18:09 PM

As a BS, I can totally understand how what you said can be interpreted two different ways. He very well could have heard, "You shouldn't fuck with AP because I don't want anything bad to happen to him," when you meant it as, "You shouldn't fuck with AP because I don't want YOU to get into trouble." I've been there as a BS and taken things said probably innocently completely out of context, or heard what I chose to.

I would caution you to REALLY work on your phrasing of things. Instead of a generic, "don't fuck with the AP" that can be open for him to interpret however he wants to- be specific. "I know you are really hurting, but I'm afraid of you getting into trouble if you stalk him or try to fight him."

If he is acting mad, it might be a good idea to bring it up with him and clarify what you meant.

Alyssamd24 posted 2/9/2014 18:17 PM

Just wanted to add...I don't think my BH will do anything or go after XAP...I think if he were going to he would have done it months ago, right after the final DDay..he emailed XAP then and told him if he continued to talk to me my BH would tell his BW.

Neither of us have had any contact with them since that day, well actually a few days after that day cuz that's when I confessed to his BW. We live 30 minutes away from them and both of us avoid their town as much as possible. My concern is that if he were to contact him now it would stir everything up again, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if they got lawyers involved.

I do understand that I don't really have the right to say what he can or can't do since I am the one who put him in this position in the first place.

It's definitely not cuz I am concerned about the XAP though, I really don't give a flying fuck what happens to him.....the karma bus will come to him though....he is only 34 and will probably only be able to walk and take care of himself for a few more years.

Mrs Panda posted 2/9/2014 20:53 PM

Similar thing happened to me. Didn't matter how I responded because my BH was in a rage. Didn't matter that my reasons were "I don't want you to go to jail." I wasn't backing my BH up, I wasn't supporting his vitrol for the OM. I wasn't trusting in my BH. I wasn't letting him vent and express his desires to mutilate the AP.

I wasn't protecting OP, I was worried about my BH. But by not trusting and believing that my BH would make the right decisions, I let him down again.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 8:56 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

Shayna71 posted 2/10/2014 13:50 PM

My WH and I had to see the OW on a regular basis (2 - 3 times a week) beginning just weeks after DDay (kids sporting events). Prior to the affair she was a new mutual friend (more mine than his, so I thought) and I had shared with my husband the MANY violent fantasies I had regarding her...All of them illegal, some of them frighteningly sadistic (and the worst ones I kept to myself).

He had the best possible response. You do whatever you need to do for YOU. I support whatever you want. Please don't go to jail. I don't want to lose you. He couldn't have said anything that made me feel better. It said he cared about me NOT her. He loved me enough to let me have ANYTHING I needed, and he didn't want anything bad to happen to me.

Steppenwolf posted 2/11/2014 22:36 PM

Whatever your intent is doesn't matter nearly as much how it is perceived by your BS. You can say you were not trying to protect AP until you're blue in the face, but that doesn't mean your BS is going to believe it.
I struggle often with caring too much about semantics and too little about my BS's perception. I want to reduce her pain. I think by explaining to her what the intent behind my actions or words might be, then she will understand and feel better. What I should really do is start with her feelings and work from there.

Instead of "no, no, no honey, you've got it all wrong, I didn't mean anything by it..."

I try to say "you're absolutely right, I can't believe I didn't think that would make you uncomfortable..."

william posted 2/12/2014 05:45 AM

@ evolving soul

im not sure if you have really considered what you said in your post.

i mean this gently.

i note in your profile that you are struggling to reconcile. that means YOUR infidelity was NOT a deal breaker and your husband is struggling with you to create a new relationship with you after your marriage was killed. correct?

so your husband hitting some the AP "maybe" would be a deal breaker for you?

do you see a bit of a double standard there? you really find an act of violence to be WORSE to your marriage than an act of complete and utter betrayal, especially one committed repeatedly and over a long period of time that deliberately killed the marriage?

my WW gave me the same speech about how an act of violence towards the men (in her case, many of them) would be a deal breaker. i told her that i havent decided what im going to do yet but that if she couldnt deal with then then id either help her pack her bags or pack my own. i also added that she had better look really hard at what i am willing to try to forgive versus what she says she cant forgive.

speaking as a BS, i see this as a massive double standard that is being unfairly imposed now - after a much worse act done by the WS. im willing to bet that he does too.

finallyfree2011 posted 2/13/2014 17:31 PM

My BH made it perfectly clear that he would probably punch xap's lights out if he crossed paths with him.

Xap tried to contact BH once after the d day and bh simply hung up on him.

I agree that I would not want BH to confront xap for fear that it would get physical and I wouldn't want it to look back on BH. Not protecting xap at all.

He threw me under the bus big time and part of me would probably enjoy seeing him get what he deserves though :)

wonderpets posted 2/15/2014 18:59 PM

I just want to forget about XAP and move on with our life.

As a BS, just wanted to comment on this. It is likely quite a bit harder for your BH to forget XAP and move on.

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