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Help with 180

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Realizationland posted 2/9/2014 13:05 PM

A few weeks ago I found out it happened again.

I've gone through the whole roller coaster over the past few years: it was my fault, I'm too boring, I'm not interesting enough, I can't compete with more exciting women, blah blah blah.

It didn't help that my one foray into IC ended up with a counselor who kept trying to focus on what I "did to contribute to the situation." I didn't contribute *anything* to the affair. I didn't even know it was happening...until I found two months of cell phone bills with over 10,000 text messages. How could I have made something happen when I didn't even know it was happening? (That counseling experience still frustrates me.)

So it happened again. And this time I feel blank. Gone.

I realized I'm doing "the 180" without even realizing it. I haven't yelled, I haven't gotten mad, I don't call him names - ever. I just checked out.

I'm taking my time deciding what comes next.

It's very hard living with someone who I can't even look in the eye. I don't want to touch him, I don't want to hear about his day, I don't want to go anywhere with him. I want time and distance to clear my head and make a decision about my future.

I think a lot about D. I want to get back to the old me, the me who isn't suspicious and jealous and hurt and cold.

How do I stay on the 180 when he accuses me of being cold and distant? Of shutting him out? Yes, I'm doing all those things -- because I am deeply, deeply hurt and I need to protect and care for myself. I will not be mean to him, but I also will not be warm and loving.


MercifulH posted 2/9/2014 13:57 PM

What you have been strong enough to do already is very commendable. Is there a way to get out of the house for a while? Close friends or family you can stay with? I'm still on the emotional roller coaster but it's slightly better than it was last month. Just how far are you willing to go to stick to the 180? Having you there in the house still probably feeds his ego. There were a few days last month where I stormed out of the house and worked from a coffee shop instead of at home, and stayed at a hotel. I went online and started drafting up divorce papers, I answered her calls and tried to harden myself to her begging and pleading. The only contact I initiated was to ask for information for the divorce papers. As long as they can keep telling themselves that you aren't leaving they will keep blaming you and making excuses. I had to get to the point of actually having the papers with the intent to file them the following Monday before my WW actually decided to wake up and begin taking real steps toward real recovery. Whether it's a show or not remains to be seen, but I promise you that if you can bring yourself to that point, you will feel that much stronger and that much more ready to do what you need to in order to heal yourself. He needs to see that you are ready to follow through on it and your actions need to support what you say.

[This message edited by MercifulH at 2:01 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

weeping willow posted 2/9/2014 14:16 PM

I want time and distance to clear my head and make a decision about my future.

Then you take the time and distance if that's what you want.

How do I stay on the 180 when he accuses me of being cold and distant? Of shutting him out?

Detach your emotions of his accusations. Who cares what he accuses you of. His problem, not yours.

I need to protect and care for myself.

Yes you do, and you realizing this, puts you at an advantage in the 180. Because the 180 is all about you. Your well being. You are doing great with the 180. Keep up the good work.

Best of luck to you.


Realizationland posted 2/9/2014 14:25 PM

Thank you with the advice so far. Just being able to reach out for help here is so comforting.

I know darned well that I have a tendency to want to fix it. This time feels different -- I'm not sure I even want it fixed.

So far I'm able to be friendly and engaged with others in my life. The other night I even went out for dinner with a group of women from work! Yay me!

Part of our dysfunction is that I've been an insufferable homebody since his first betrayal years ago because I learned that if he was home alone, then he'd "get bored" and chat online or call an ex. Then it'd escalate to spending time, telling me that I couldn't go to the grocery store with him ("because you slow me down" even though I'm younger, fitter, faster, and a much more efficient shopper than he is...really weird in retrospect...) when in reality he was carving time alone with his phone.

The only person I've told this time around is my mom because I am not interested in escalating this into a huge social war. Mom's advice: be less available, go out more, and sometimes come home late.

weeping willow posted 2/9/2014 14:47 PM

I think your mom gave you some great advice.

Realizationland posted 2/9/2014 14:53 PM

Very good advice. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

StuckinNJagain posted 2/9/2014 16:01 PM

Stay the course. I am also still in the home with the WS and applying the 180. It is not easy but you must detach your emotions and any thought of R until you know it is what YOU want. I have been getting better and better at as the days go by. I must do this for the sake of my kids. WS has been the best spouse I could have ever asked for since Dday and my ultimatums but not sure it will matter this time. However, I cannot even think of touching her and I dont know If will ever be able to again. Hang in there.

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