A few weeks ago I found out it happened again.
I've gone through the whole roller coaster over the past few years: it was my fault, I'm too boring, I'm not interesting enough, I can't compete with more exciting women, blah blah blah.
It didn't help that my one foray into IC ended up with a counselor who kept trying to focus on what I "did to contribute to the situation." I didn't contribute *anything* to the affair. I didn't even know it was happening...until I found two months of cell phone bills with over 10,000 text messages. How could I have made something happen when I didn't even know it was happening? (That counseling experience still frustrates me.)
So it happened again. And this time I feel blank. Gone.
I realized I'm doing "the 180" without even realizing it. I haven't yelled, I haven't gotten mad, I don't call him names - ever. I just checked out.
I'm taking my time deciding what comes next.
It's very hard living with someone who I can't even look in the eye. I don't want to touch him, I don't want to hear about his day, I don't want to go anywhere with him. I want time and distance to clear my head and make a decision about my future.
I think a lot about D. I want to get back to the old me, the me who isn't suspicious and jealous and hurt and cold.
How do I stay on the 180 when he accuses me of being cold and distant? Of shutting him out? Yes, I'm doing all those things -- because I am deeply, deeply hurt and I need to protect and care for myself. I will not be mean to him, but I also will not be warm and loving.