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xWW not taking being cut out extremely well

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ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 13:15 PM

My XWW has started to notice that I'm not starting conversations and I'm ignoring things she says that are not child-related. It's a little creepy, actually. Her frame before this has been sort of "we're pals."

Last couple of texts were asking me what's going on, saying I'm quiet, wondering if it's good quiet or bad quiet, and then this morning she's saying she wants to make sure I'm okay, since I've been acting differently towards her, and if I need some space and things are fine that's cool and if they're not okay and i don't want to talk about it that's okay too, but she wants to make sure our kid is okay, e.g. I'm not all stressed out because I have her too much and need her to spend more time with XWW, just whatever I need.

My replies have consisted of "Everything is fine. Thanks." last night and "(Our kid) is doing really well." this morning.

I don't get it. Why does she even care if I talk to her about non kid related stuff?

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 2:09 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

Chippednotbroken posted 2/9/2014 13:19 PM

Ego kibbles. Mine did the exact same when I ignored texts all day. He knew I would answer about the kids. Why isn't your life centered around her? Why aren't you jumping up and down for joy that she would disdain to contact you? ego kibbles. Stay strong.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 13:37 PM

I'm okay for now, just a little nervous. I don't really feel bad for her. Okay, maybe just a teeeeeny bit, but it took me a long time to get to this decision and I'm sticking to it now.

If you break someone's heart into a million tiny pieces, don't be surprised if they move on with their life (eventually...)

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 1:37 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 13:57 PM

Wow. I just exchanged my daughter with her and she was acting very friendly and concerned (possibly genuinely.. she stays in frame very well). She tried very hard to get me to tell her what was going on. She said she knew something had changed, that she knew me really well.

She asked if I was mad at her, or if I had a girlfriend, or if someone said it was creepy for me to talk to her, (or a few other things). She said she had a lot of anxiety about it.

I said a little more than I intended to--when she asked if I was depressed, I said "well, I haven't been sleeping too great, as you know, and it's possible that could make me feel withdrawn." I also mentioned that I had spent more time by myself the past few weeks. I'm not sure why I said that other than she was making me feel uncomfortable and I felt compelled to say something.

Anyway, other than that I just said everything is fine, our kid's doing great, seems really happy, etc etc.

Dear God that was uncomfortable.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 13:58 PM

Followed just now by a text message to the effect that she was sorry for being aggressive and will leave me alone, hopes I feel better and can spend some time with friends, and I know where to find her.

k94ever posted 2/9/2014 13:59 PM

She's Hoovering you.

Don't fall for it.


nowiknow23 posted 2/9/2014 14:01 PM

she was making me feel uncomfortable and I felt compelled to say something.
Time and practice will help firm up those boundaries, PIC.

Next time she asks how you're doing, pretend she's a client/customer and put on your professional front. "I'm fine, thank you." "DD is good." "I'm good." etc.

It's hard to break the habit, but you can do it.

[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 2:42 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

phmh posted 2/9/2014 14:03 PM


This is one of the toughest parts of getting through this mess. You're not at indifference yet, and I know when XWH started doing that kind of stuff, I had hopes that maybe we could get back together and have a stronger marriage.

Try to go even more NC if possible. It's the best way to get over it. I also really recommend the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" -- you can probably find it for free at your library.

Kids and finances ONLY. It's so, so tough, but you need to take care of yourself. If she really cared about how you were doing, she would have remained faithful.

Remember -- the best revenge is a life well-lived. You can't get to well-lived if you're stuck in the past, and she's trying to keep you stuck in the past.

You've got this. It's tough, but so worth it when you arrive at indifference on the other side.


ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 14:10 PM

NIK, I accidentally included the name of my daughter in my post, but I edited it out. I'm just a teeeeeny bit paranoid.. it's probably no big deal, but could you do the same in your post?

Thanks. :)

ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 14:12 PM

As to boundaries. Yes, it's very tough, but I think it'll help me to work on it. I tried very hard to be professional and I succeeded but damn, she was persistent and it was hard to do it in person. I kept smiling nervously.

I actually feel a little bad for her, if you can believe it. I guess that's manipulation, eh?

Why hoover me? What does she have to get out of it? Just the ego stuff? Money?

ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 14:12 PM

phmh, thank you! I will look at the book.

It really helps me to have replies from people who have done this. This is totally new territory for me.

Nature_Girl posted 2/9/2014 14:17 PM

Another reason for you to remain in strict NC is because she can very easily turn her false concern for you into accusations that you're having a mental breakdown and need to lose custody. Be very careful.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 14:34 PM

Nature_Girl, that had crossed my mind too. Even though I've never felt like she would try to play for custody, I've always been a little paranoid about it. Being NC should really help remove any ammunition. She did put me at ease (sort of) by not talking to a lawyer and by agreeing to my divorce offer without a fuss, but she's been unpredictable in the past... who knows how she could change in the future. I always am looking for how things could be used in a legal battle. I fundamentally don't trust her.

I'll just put on a face of "yeah i'm doing awesome!" in the future. It's just really hard in person. Really really hard. I'm not a good actor. When someone tries to call me on something or manipulate me, I can control what I say, but not what I feel and some of that creeps into my body language a little bit. Mostly the nervousness and being sucked into her frame.

Her frame, though... it feels hollow to me now. I _tried_ being her friend for a while (unfortunately) and it just felt incredibly fake. Part of her frame is that she never did anything bad to me. She won't deny it, but she'll minimize it and will NEVER bring it up. But yeah, with NC, all this crap can go into the past.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 2:36 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

nowiknow23 posted 2/9/2014 14:46 PM

Part of her frame is that she never did anything bad to me.
And in my mind *that* is why she's hoovering.

See? I'm not a bad person. I care about PIC. We're friends. We talk. I'm concerned about his well-being. So I'm clearly a good person, right?

Shields. Up.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 14:52 PM

This baffles me. Why does she care whether I think she's a good person? She has a new husband and a new life, right?

nowiknow23 posted 2/9/2014 14:53 PM

She doesn't care what you think, hon. She cares about how SHE FEELS. Your responses FEED how she feels. Does that make sense?

BrokenDaisy posted 2/9/2014 15:04 PM

Yup it's all about convincing herself she's a good person. As long as you are nice to her and "friends" it's easier for her not to face who she really is. When you NC her she has to work a little harder at convincing herself. It's all about her. Nothing to do with you. That is how self centered they are.

My xwh does the same. He even sent me a thinking of you card in the week of our divorce :crazy: It's all fake and for themselves.

Hang in there you're doing good. It's hard to imagine precisely because you are human and have real feelings and concerns for others. Your xww doesn't, other than for herself.


ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 15:09 PM

Well.. okay, then, let's turn my question around. Why does she need me to feed how she feels? She has other people.

Or is it simply that I'm feeding her NEGATIVE stuff?

EDIT: Just read BrokenDaisy's response.. "she has to work a little harder at convincing herself" answers my question and makes sense.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 3:10 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

ladies_first posted 2/9/2014 15:33 PM

Dear God that was uncomfortable.

Good! Then you are doing it correctly!!

I'm serious. New behavior feels "weird" until it becomes habit.

Don't reinvent the wheel each time, just find a phrase that sounds right for face-to-face encounters: "Thanks, I'm doing great! I'll let you know if I need your help" accompanied by a BIG smile.

Indifference is worth a touch of discomfort.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/9/2014 16:24 PM

I'm just glad I did the legal stuff properly. Sheesh.

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