Last couple of texts were asking me what's going on, saying I'm quiet, wondering if it's good quiet or bad quiet, and then this morning she's saying she wants to make sure I'm okay, since I've been acting differently towards her, and if I need some space and things are fine that's cool and if they're not okay and i don't want to talk about it that's okay too, but she wants to make sure our kid is okay, e.g. I'm not all stressed out because I have her too much and need her to spend more time with XWW, just whatever I need.
My replies have consisted of "Everything is fine. Thanks." last night and "(Our kid) is doing really well." this morning.
I don't get it. Why does she even care if I talk to her about non kid related stuff?
[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 2:09 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]
If you break someone's heart into a million tiny pieces, don't be surprised if they move on with their life (eventually...)
[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 1:37 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]
She asked if I was mad at her, or if I had a girlfriend, or if someone said it was creepy for me to talk to her, (or a few other things). She said she had a lot of anxiety about it.
I said a little more than I intended to--when she asked if I was depressed, I said "well, I haven't been sleeping too great, as you know, and it's possible that could make me feel withdrawn." I also mentioned that I had spent more time by myself the past few weeks. I'm not sure why I said that other than she was making me feel uncomfortable and I felt compelled to say something.
Anyway, other than that I just said everything is fine, our kid's doing great, seems really happy, etc etc.
Dear God that was uncomfortable.
Don't fall for it.
she was making me feel uncomfortable and I felt compelled to say something.
Next time she asks how you're doing, pretend she's a client/customer and put on your professional front. "I'm fine, thank you." "DD is good." "I'm good." etc.
It's hard to break the habit, but you can do it.
[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 2:42 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
This is one of the toughest parts of getting through this mess. You're not at indifference yet, and I know when XWH started doing that kind of stuff, I had hopes that maybe we could get back together and have a stronger marriage.
Try to go even more NC if possible. It's the best way to get over it. I also really recommend the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" -- you can probably find it for free at your library.
Kids and finances ONLY. It's so, so tough, but you need to take care of yourself. If she really cared about how you were doing, she would have remained faithful.
Remember -- the best revenge is a life well-lived. You can't get to well-lived if you're stuck in the past, and she's trying to keep you stuck in the past.
You've got this. It's tough, but so worth it when you arrive at indifference on the other side.
NC NC NC NC NC NC NC
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
I actually feel a little bad for her, if you can believe it. I guess that's manipulation, eh?
Why hoover me? What does she have to get out of it? Just the ego stuff? Money?
It really helps me to have replies from people who have done this. This is totally new territory for me.
I'll just put on a face of "yeah i'm doing awesome!" in the future. It's just really hard in person. Really really hard. I'm not a good actor. When someone tries to call me on something or manipulate me, I can control what I say, but not what I feel and some of that creeps into my body language a little bit. Mostly the nervousness and being sucked into her frame.
Her frame, though... it feels hollow to me now. I _tried_ being her friend for a while (unfortunately) and it just felt incredibly fake. Part of her frame is that she never did anything bad to me. She won't deny it, but she'll minimize it and will NEVER bring it up. But yeah, with NC, all this crap can go into the past.
[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 2:36 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]
Part of her frame is that she never did anything bad to me.
See? I'm not a bad person. I care about PIC. We're friends. We talk. I'm concerned about his well-being. So I'm clearly a good person, right?
My xwh does the same. He even sent me a thinking of you card in the week of our divorce :crazy: It's all fake and for themselves.
Hang in there you're doing good. It's hard to imagine precisely because you are human and have real feelings and concerns for others. Your xww doesn't, other than for herself.
Or is it simply that I'm feeding her NEGATIVE stuff?
EDIT: Just read BrokenDaisy's response.. "she has to work a little harder at convincing herself" answers my question and makes sense.
[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 3:10 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]
Dear God that was uncomfortable.
Good! Then you are doing it correctly!!
I'm serious. New behavior feels "weird" until it becomes habit.
Don't reinvent the wheel each time, just find a phrase that sounds right for face-to-face encounters: "Thanks, I'm doing great! I'll let you know if I need your help" accompanied by a BIG smile.
Indifference is worth a touch of discomfort.