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Someone Please Help...need advice

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twillett333 posted 2/9/2014 13:36 PM

I don't know what to do anymore. I thought things were going great and we have been reconnecting but WH has been acting strange the past couple days. He is getting mad over everything, lashing out at me and today he got so mad because I was trying to talk to him and figure out what was wrong with him. He held me down on the bed, said he was going to punch me in the face and called me a f-ing retard. I told him he was hurting me and he said he didn't care. He has never done that before and I really just don't know what to think or do. I'm trying so hard to make things better between us but we just keep going backwards. Any advice? I'm desperate...

iamsoblind42 posted 2/9/2014 13:39 PM

Sounds like you need time apart. Can you ask him to leave? I am worried about your safety.

strangeasfiction posted 2/9/2014 13:44 PM

This is a scary situation and I think you need to make sure that you are safe. There is no room for physical violence or threats thereof in civilized society, let alone in a marriage. If you're not safe then you shouldn't be alone with him. Get the police involved if you have to.

Are you in MC? Perhaps that is a safer space to address this incident. Your WH is clearly dealing with a lot of anger. He could be angry at you or perhaps he's very angry at himself and he is lashing out. Either way, this kind of threat is unacceptable.

Stay strong and stay safe, twillett.

TryingToReboot posted 2/9/2014 13:45 PM

My WW started acting very angry and verbally abusive towards me when she started her 1st affair.

veronique12 posted 2/9/2014 13:54 PM

My H acted angry and defensive bc he was still hiding details and lying about the depth of the A. He never got physical with me though , even after I punched him in the face when I learned he'd fucked and "was in love with, I think" a false friend.
You should either ask him to leave or you should. At least for a few days. He needs to know it's absolutely unacceptable that he put his hands on you. I'm so sorry for ur situation.

nowiknow23 posted 2/9/2014 13:54 PM

twillett - the behavior you described is abuse. No matter what is at the root of his anger, he has made you the target. It isn't ok and it won't magically fix itself.

You can't fix him. You can't fix his anger, you can't fix his issues. He is not a safe person right now.

Please take steps to ensure you are safe physically, mentally, and emotionally. That may include finding somewhere else to be for the time being.


Merlin posted 2/9/2014 13:55 PM

If he restrains you or hurts you again, call the cops immediately.

I did not do this and it was a mistake.

There is no excuse whatever for either initiating or tolerating physical abuse.

JustWow posted 2/9/2014 14:17 PM

advice -
- if he is violent or threatens violence, get away from him with the children, and press charges.

- study the 180 and detach from him. He needs IC to get a grip on himself, and it is not unlikely that he is still in his A, and has taken it underground. So trying to R may just enrage his pea-sized conscience, but stay the hell away from him.

- You can't build a healthy M without 2 healthy people. This behavior of his is NOT healthy. If you stay and tolerate it, that is not healthy either. Take care of you, get the help, support and IC you need. Take care of your children. That is all you can do.

He won't get the least bit better till he wants to. And your M won't get better till after that.

weeping willow posted 2/9/2014 14:39 PM

What he did to you today is abuse. If you accept this behavior, it will only escalate from here. Plain and simple, he broke the law. He needs to be arrested.

I'm trying so hard to make things better between us but we just keep going backwards. Any advice?

Honey, you're going backwards because, you're trying so hard to make things better. He sees this as pathetic. He even called you a f-ing retard. If he was a truly remorseful WS, he would be the one trying to make things better. You didn't cheat, he did. It's his job to make things better, not yours.

I'm sorry, but his behavior is smacking of either still being in the A, or having another OW.

RealityStinks posted 2/9/2014 15:46 PM

He is still with the OW, but not as much as he wants to be because you're on to him. In his mind, you are standing in his way, and he's frustrated. That is 100% guaranteed.

Advice - call a lawyer and file for D. His A is forgivable, but physical violence toward you is not. You and your kids do not need to be in that environment.

Hang in there. I'm so sorry you're dealing all that on top of the A.

norabird posted 2/10/2014 09:31 AM

You are trying hard with someone who doesn't deserve your efforts. Refocus on yourself and how you can leave a situation where someone who cheated on you is now reacting with anger and violence to your attempts to talk.

It takes two to save a marriage. Your efforts alone will not suffice. |And I am not sure that a M with him is worth saving at this point.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but look inside yourself and you will find that you do actually know what to do. It's difficult, because you don't want to let go, but that is your only option.

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