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MisterP posted 2/9/2014 14:45 PM

I have been married to my beautiful wife for 11 years.† When I met her we clicked instantly and became great friends.† It was about 6 months before anything became romantic, and 3 years later we were married.† Both of us were virgins when we married and she was very sexually forward during our engagement which made it difficult.† I had never had sexual attention to the extent that she gave me and I enjoyed it a lot.† I assumed we would have a great sex life when we were married and finally able to add sex to our relationship.† Within the first year of our marriage I was already noticing that she was increasingly not interested in sex.† I tried to talk about it many times with her, but it would just make her mad and the Be.conversation would always end poorly.† I would frequently ask what I could do better to help her be attracted to me and would never get much of an answer.† I always ensured I helped with chores around the house, I try to be the best father and spend every spare moment engaging with my kids.† I always make sure I have time for my wife and make myself available to talk and arrange date nights.† I take pretty good care of myself physically and try to make sure that I am attractive for her.† I am always willing to watch children while she goes out to have time for herself.† I felt that no matter how hard I tried it had little impact in her sexual desire for me.† After about 9 years of this I finally just quit bringing sex up and tried to make myself okay without the sexual intimacy.†
We had a neighbor move in next door that we befriended.† Unfortunately this woman was very sexual and started showing an interest in me.† It made me feel good that somebody found me sexually attractive and actually desired me.† This was a feeling I had not received from my wife in a very long time.† Within a few months a full physical affair began, and I reasoned with myself that it was good because it helped me not to be sexually frustrated while at the same time making my wife happy that I wasnít putting pressure on her to be sexually intimate with me.† The physical affair lasted for about two months and ended when my wife gave birth to our 3 wonderful baby girl.† About 7 months later I had another 2 night fling with the neighbor and 3 months later the neighbor texted my wife about the affair.† I wanted to tell my wife myself, but she has always struggled with depression and I knew it would destroy her to find out (too bad we donít think about things like that before jumping into the affair. † Well, she is a stronger woman than I ever imagined her to be and she chose to stay with me and work on our marriage.† This past year since DDay has been probably the closest year we have ever had.† I finally feel like I can talk to her and she actually wants to listen and hear how I feel about things.† I have always strived to be good at listening and understanding what she wants to communicate to me.†† The main problem now is that my wife seems to fluctuate emotionally quite a bit.† We will have a great week where we know we are working on making our marriage the best it has ever been and then the next day she doesnít want me to touch her and tells me she isnít attracted to me.† The next day she canít keep her hands off of me and is very sexual, but by the evening she is once again uninterested in me.† I am trying so hard to understand her and figure out what I can do to be there for her.† I have completely cut off ties with the other woman, I have installed a GPS tracking app on my phone so she always knows where I am, I have gone to counseling, I went to a menís sexual addiction retreat, I do not look at pornography, I am working to step up as the spiritual head of our home, I pray daily for our relationship and almost daily pray with my wife.†† I have always only wanted my wife and have only ever loved her.† We have a wonderful marriage in just about every other aspect.† We do great raising our children together.† We have fun together, we enjoy going away for weekends and spending time just talking in the evenings.† We have supported and encouraged each other in our educational pursuits and share the same drive to be responsible with our finances.†
I love her so much and just want our relationship to be whole, which I donít believe it ever has been.† As of this past week she seems pretty determined that she wants every other aspect of our marriage, but does not want to be sexually intimate with me.† I realize that sex is not a need and that I will not die without, but I donít think a relationship can be healthy when two healthy people are intentionally avoiding sexual intimacy.† My wife has a long history of sexual abuse and I know that is the major contributing factor, but my affair has made it that much more difficult for her to prevail over her struggles.† There is so much more to this story, but this is long enough already.† I just want to be whole with her and am willing to do whatever it takes to get there, I just wish she felt the same.††I am No Where Near The Perfect Husband But Am Trying To be.
I don't know what to do other than to keep praying and loving her and hoping that things will get better.

jo2love posted 2/9/2014 15:19 PM

Please use existing thread in WS.

Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:20 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

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