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My world is tumbling down

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Maxine123 posted 2/9/2014 16:23 PM

I just found out on 5th feb that my husband has been cheating on me for two months. He lives in a different country so I decided to pay him a surprise visit,The surprise was on me when I found out that there was another woman. I feel so betrayed I can't stop crying. And now he says he needs time apart because he feels terrible about it,it pains him to talk to me, Am devastated that he won't talk to me, I feel stuck, How could he do this to me, we have a son, we were building a life together. Am in so much pain I can't eat. What should I do?

CantLoseHope posted 2/9/2014 16:33 PM

First I am sorry that you find yourself here, but know that we are listening and I have found deep comfort from SI.

May I ask why he is living in a different country, how long, and how often did you see eachother prior to Dday?

I ask these things because you state that he said he wants time apart, but havent you been apart? Isn't being apart in a way what has lead to this affair?

Maxine123 posted 2/9/2014 16:43 PM

Thanks for your response, he is living in a different country because we just started a business there, it's only a year since he has been there, he comes over every month for a week, my understanding of why he wants time apart is because he is in pain for hurting me so bad, I could see the pain in his eyes when he admitted to cheating, I want to work on our marriage, but he is afraid that he will never forgive himself for betraying me. I have found myself begging him to stay n work through our marriage, all he says is he needs time apart. Am stuck should I stop talking to him n give him his space?

brkn_heartd posted 2/9/2014 16:43 PM

First, welcome is a safe place to be. There is a lot of wisdom and support here. I am sorry you need to be here.

I imagine your husband just had his fantasy world blown away when you showed up and doesn't know how to handle you and his fantasy at the same time. It sounds counterintuitive, but pull away from him. Do not beg, do not plead...he is expecting that. find your inner is there. Do you have any support in this other country? Can you go back home now?

Right now, make sure you take care of yourself. Eat even if it is only a few bites, drink plenty of water and try to rest some (sleep may be hard to come by).

Decide if you will give him the requested time (when in affair world means he doesn't want to give up other woman (OW) yet) or demand to make his decision now.

Support being sent to you.

Maxine123 posted 2/9/2014 16:52 PM

I have my family in both countries but I can't get myself to talk to my family or friends about this, it's too painful n embarrassing. Is there a chance that he is in so much pain because he loves me. He says his heart is in pain just talking to me?

Howie posted 2/9/2014 16:56 PM

Maxine, I am so sorry. No one knows the intensity of the pain except those who have had it- and even they don't have your pain.It is bad and is going to be bad for some time because something, the reality you had, is dying. And, if like me, you wish you were dead rather than to have been betrayed.
The horrible questions-chief for me "why"-still unanswered in my heart. The ghastly identity eroding cycles of disbelief/bitter reality, anger/despair, hope/defeat, revenge/forgiveness and more. It is a great wound. There is now around that
First of all,take care of your health (eat,sleep as best you can) and your son's. Ride the waves, breath deep. The brutal pain lessens and allows perspective. Be patient. Never,ever blame yourself.
At some point your husband must fully communicate but give him a little time-now he too has to adjust to his selfish alternate reality being over.
Look at the posts of the site, now only here in your response queue. People here have been through it all and are very kind and often wise.
Don't despair-when this sad, distorting time is over, your real life will still be there, waiting for you.
I am not trying to be glib. When I discovered my wife's two year affair with my "best friend" the pain eroded me down to nothing. I was no longer a person. I couldn't eat think, sleep or function at work. I was dead but I hope the dead know no such pain. But life was waiting. I came back. You will too. You are stronger than you ever knew. And keep in mind-you did the hard thing,stayed faithful and that should be a proud attribute. Ever best-

CantLoseHope posted 2/9/2014 16:57 PM


I agree with brkn...... obviously this is your decision to make

I know this is the very last thing you want to hear, trust me, alot o the responses from first posts were the last thing I wanted to hear, but thats not to say they did not help me.

I think you should in a sense give him what he wants... time apart... but to take it a step further I would try and start practicing 180.... Show him what it would really be like without you.

Also, I want to reiterate taking care of yourself... the first thing that was compromised after my DDay was my health.... I let the A affect me mentally and physically, I didn't reach out for help from anyone.... Alot of times our first response when it feels like our worlds are tumbling down is to retreat within ourselves.... I know I did.

Again I am so sorry you find yourself here, but as stated you are safe here and we are here to support eachother.....
feel free to read my previous posts in my profile to get a better sense of my story......

I am to this day at a loss for where my life is headed, my main focus right now is taking care of myself, and keeping my self healthy and trying to do things I still enjoy.

We are here with you.

scarednbroken posted 2/9/2014 16:59 PM

I think he is in "pain" because he got caught. His two lives have collided. He had his "wife" and his "woman." My WH cried every time I confronted him about his dallying. He would cry, beg, plead, beat his chest.... On some level he cares for you, but he may also be feeling the pain of a heartbreak - giving up the OW. He has not fully disclosed yet? Has he shown you all they have done? If not, maybe he has a greater emotional tie to this woman that you know.

You have to find strength. This is NOT your embarrassment. It is his. I made the mistake of not speaking to my mother 17 years ago. I was embarrassed. She was crushed I couldn't talk to her before... SHe wished I had, and she supports me fully now. I have her to talk to and give me emotional support when I need it.

The people here are also a great source of strength and support. There is alot of experience on all aspects of WS and BS coping.

Be sure you eat, you will need strength. Also read in the Healing Library. There is so much good information on how to cope and grow your strength.

Good luck.


Maxine123 posted 2/9/2014 17:05 PM

Thank you for the support I feel better already as this is the first time am letting it out to some one else, Am thankful I found this website. Thank you all I will take care of myself better now.

outtanowhere posted 2/9/2014 17:08 PM

Hi Maxine

I'm so sorry for what is happening to you right now. Everyone here knows exactly how hurt you are. Unfortunately, we can't make the hurt go away but, there is alot of good advise from very wise people who can make it more bearable. There will probably be a lot of things you don't want to hear but, now is the time to take the blinders off and listen very carefully. While you probably feel like your marriage is very unique, cheaters are simply cheaters and most are cut from the same cloth.

It concerns me that your WH's first response is to further distance himself from you. He is probably buying time for himself to try to figure out how or if to end it with OW. It doesn't bode well that he wasn't immediately repentant.

I know you feel like are bleeding to death after having your insides extracted with a butter knife but, please, don't beg. Keep your wits about you and act with exact precision. I say this because I didn't. There are so many things I wish I had said and done when I found out this awful news but, all I can do is encourage you. Decide now on what kind of behavior you are willing to accept from him. He has shown you the greatest disrespect a spouse can possibly inflict on their partner.

Let him do the talking but, be firm. He needs to cut ties with the OW immediately and only then talk about working it out. You can't do that while she is still a consideration.

This is draining in every aspect, mentally, physically and spiritually. You have to keep your strength up so eat when you can but, make sure you are drinking lots of fluids. If you can't eat, try protein shakes or Ensure. And, keep posting! We will be here for you.

doggiediva posted 2/9/2014 17:12 PM

At some point in time your WH is gonna have to face you in person..When you feel comfortable enough about seeing him face to face to get an idea of the extent of his A and betrayals then demand this..

In the meantime protect your mental and physical health..Also protect yourself legally, financially, protect your rights..

Because you guys are apart for a major part of each month I am assuming that you built a life for yourself that you like, irregardless of whether he is physically around..

Breathe and take baby steps...

Maxine123 posted 2/9/2014 17:19 PM

He also says that being apart is what we need and if we are meant to be together, we will be, he says that,if that happens he would like to propose the right way n give me the wedding I deserve( we never had a wedding)

CantLoseHope posted 2/9/2014 17:26 PM


This last statement you said he said, "if we are meant to be together , we will be" it scares me a bit...... I am hoping he doesn't think that he can sit idly by, putting no work or effort, etc to fix it.....

I am not saying by any means that this is what he is saying, I am just saying it worries me that he may think that if you are meant to be you will be in the literal sense.... meaning no effort on either party.....
Does that make sense? Did he elaborate on that thought? Or did he leave it at that?

outtanowhere posted 2/9/2014 17:29 PM

What I see is pretty ambiguous language. "If" we are meant to be together? Did you have a committed relationship prior to his leaving? What exactly do you think he means by wanting to propose the "right" way?

He sounds like he is buying time to decide what HE wants.

Maxine123 posted 2/9/2014 17:31 PM

Hey cantloosehope, he just left it at that, I think he thinks that we can take a break n then we will find each other a year later or so n start over a fresh, I know we can't start a fresh without dealing with the issue at hand,

Maxine123 posted 2/9/2014 17:35 PM

We are legally married, but never had a wedding ceremony that I always wanted so that's why he say, IF WE end up together, he wants to give me that wedding. He also said that he always felt that somewhere in life we would end up together ( he confuses me)

CantLoseHope posted 2/9/2014 18:04 PM

Maxine I agree with outofnowhere..... I think he is just buying time.... maybe to see if it works out with OW.... I dont know but it does sound like hes just trying to buy time.....

One other question, has he ever voiced feelings like this before you found out about the OW?

May I ask how long you have been married? Were there ever any "signs"?

Getting to Happy posted 2/9/2014 18:14 PM

OMG this guy is gaslighting you. He wants more time so that he can spend it with his OW.

I know that you are hurting but you will have to find your bitch boots and don them quickly. He is selling you a bill of phony goods.

Please don't fall for that. Don't go for the confusing wordplay he is handing you.

Because he is just sorry/regretful that you found out, not remorseful that he has gravely injured you and wants to help you heal.

You can read on these boards how some people will go for years in limbo of "I can't decide, I need space, Just give me some time to figure out my emotions." That is bullshit wayward speak for "I want to escape you and married life to spend time in my fantasy world with my slut..."

Don't beg or grovel, please don't accept anything less than complete transparency and honesty. He must send a no contact letter that you jointly write to his OW. Nothing less will do.

Take care my dear Maxine. Please protect your heart.

LAFA posted 2/10/2014 05:00 AM

It really sounds like he is trying to set you up as a compliant Plan B option. You should not tolerate this for even a heartbeat.See a Lawyer as soon as you can, get your ducks in a row, and give him his space forever. Then you can gradually heal yourself, and move on to the happier life you deserve. It hurts like hell right now, and will for quite some time.

Be good to yourself, and don't ever forget you are the one who is honorable, decent and worthwhile. You needn't allow him to drag you down into his brokenness with him. You will survive, you will thrive. No Contact with him is your best ally right now. I wish you peace.

Tawnee1969 posted 2/12/2014 05:25 AM

Maxine, sorry to say this but when I left my husband (no cheating either side) I said to him that later we would be together as we were meant to be.

I only said this to ease his pain. I selfishly thought this would be better for him but it wasn't as it gave him false hope.

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