CompleteShock's thread on the guy who said he didn't have time to date turning out to be a guy who was wanting to date someone else makes me wonder about something. We talk here about the wisdom of having the "exclusivity talk" when you decide you don't want to keep dating around...when you decide you're going to become intimate...
In the last 3 years, I've had that talk 3 times and it has turned out "badly" each time. Two times the relationship ended that night, with the guy saying something to the effect of "I don't want to be that serious". One time (just last week as a matter of fact) it ended with a "well, there's this other person." I'm glad that two of the three times were before we had gotten intimate. The third guy, he was cool with the talk, but a week later said he was afraid I was going to end up falling in love with me and he wasn't going to do the same, so we ended it. That was an "I don't want to be that serious" talk after the fact...jerkier by far...
So, I'm wondering if the way I ask the question or timing of when I have the talk is the problem. I've waited until things seem to be heading to the bedroom and that timing varies. Is it me? Is it them? Is it my timing? Am I doing it "too soon"? Is it my word choice--do I seem too serious? Is it that circumstances weren't right with these men anyway and that no matter when I had the exclusivity talk, things would have ended?
And really, with all but one of them, I'm actually glad it ended...
Maybe it is simply a sign for me that I need to wait a while longer before deciding to be ready to become intimate with someone...putting my libido on hold...
And as I type all this, I realize I'm still looking for the "secret handshake" the right way of doing things so that I will be "safe". As if there is a "right" way of doing anything. There is no secret...I'm already safe.
And you know, the one time it really turned out okay was before I was on line dating and I didn't have to have the talk...I had no profile up and neither did he. I knew we were exclusive, I didn't have to guess. Maybe having it happen organically is the right way. Gah....Who knows?????
eta: t/j my own thread :)Re reading the "it turned out badly" sentence makes me smile. It turned out the way it turned out--not badly, not good, just the way it turned out--breathing--I think I'm getting "this" after all...
[This message edited by better4me at 4:59 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]