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Finding worth

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Speechless101 posted 2/9/2014 18:20 PM

Hey there! It's been quite a while since I've posted in here due to the fact that I've been keeping to myself and not really dating anyone in the past 8 months. I am a female, so not sure if this is just a female thing or not..but when I find someone who I would want to date or I feel has qualities I find attractive I begin to ask "why would they want me, why would they want someone who has been divorced, why would they want an "older" girl (side note I am going to be 30 this year but for the life of me only get guys 24-26 talking to me), why would they want a girl who doesn't have a successful career (am trying to regain that since the divorce)?

I know it comes down to self esteem and I do have a decent amount of it especially after everything I've been through but I guess I'm still at the point where I don't feel worthy of someone wanting me as a damaged person. My brother even said to me quit trying to make the decisions for the guy let them make their own.

Okay, I guess that was a vent but any comments are welcomed.

traicionada posted 2/9/2014 19:32 PM

Have you considered IC?

Speechless101 posted 2/9/2014 19:44 PM

Yes, I went through a few months of IC and she told me that my anxieties about this were not any different than any other person who had been through what I have. Guess I'm grasping for straws

Shockleader posted 2/9/2014 20:26 PM

Probably because people find you attractive, engaging, fun, interesting, kind, polite, funny, a decent person VERY worthy of dating. Damaged??? Holy crap, I sure don't see it, and nobody of any quality will either cause there is nothing there.

My God, I'm 47 with thinning salt-n-pepper hair, never had what I consider a successful career, I'm divorced... Believe me, if I can date, and actually have been in a nice relationship for the last 7 months, ANYONE can, including you!

Please be easy on yourself and BELIEVE you have great value; because you do! Now get out there and let the magic happen.

burnedcanuckEMS posted 2/9/2014 21:59 PM

I can totally relate, except I am nearly 40 and have the 25 year olds hitting on me! I often wonder if its just because they think they will get cougar sex from me? Really thats not what I am about, I have been celibate since my last relationship ended 11 months ago.

Anyways, I am trying OLD again but so far in two months not one good prospect. And I live in a crappy little 800 person village so its not like there are many available fellas around here. The ones that are seem to have FWB relationships with my friends. Not even kidding I just had what I thought was an eliglible fella hittong on me but I am friends with his female roomie and I know they are FWB. That is just too much for me to deal with.

My god maybe I am just destined to be single forever?? Plus its damned hard starting over at 40 years old. Dating in the 20's was so much easier when everyone else was single too....

It almost seems like too much trouble to bother with trying to date but at the same time I would like companionship in my life.

fireproof posted 2/9/2014 22:10 PM

I think you have to remember what you were like before marriage. You are not your circumstances.

Focus on your life and building. The right person will see you and if anything respect how you have built your new life.

Don't worry about them- they are an adult. You worry a out your core so you don't end up with someone who can sniff your vulnerability and lack of worth and take advantage.

After what we have all been through I believe we are strong and it is a matter of changing our perception. I don't know but I wouldn't guess the majority of people chose to land here.

BUT we can choose to move on and be confident in who we are or use to be had we continued on that path.

SoHappyNow posted 2/10/2014 10:28 AM

I have to answer in the same vein of shock leader.
I am 65, 5'4" and 285 pounds of fun - plus in a wheelchair!! If I can attract a man (getting married in 4 days), then the only thing anyone else has to fear is fear itself!!!!

Crescita posted 2/10/2014 11:00 AM

I think it does come down to self-esteem. You are certainly worthy. Everyone has an inherit worth. Sometimes in helps to flip it back around on potential mates. I tend to judge myself more harshly than I do others.

Would you want to date a guy who is divorced? Would you consider him damaged goods? Do you want to date guys that are 24-26? Does that age difference hold any appeal or even register as an issue? Just because they are interested it doesnít mean you have to be. Do you want to date a guy who is still establishing his career?

The only concern that you can even do anything about is your career. If that is something that you feel is holding you back then make that a priority and put dating on the back burner until you get to where you want to be professionally. Iíve been on both sides, establishing my own career while in a relationship and waiting for someone else to find their path. It is challenging both ways and difficult to keep the relationship out of the equation.

Speechless101 posted 2/11/2014 18:02 PM

thank you all for all of your input. sometimes i just need a swift 2x4 to the head to bring me back to reality.

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