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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: How did the WS get so deep in the black hole
sleepless34
♀ 40274
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking about this alot. In therapy, I was initially so traumatized and shocked that my H could do what he did. He had 1.5 y LTA, as well as a ONS apparently. The affair obviously spun off lying to me, the kids, his job, his family, deceipt, all the good stuff that goes along with an affair of that length. This woman is nasty, was a swinger, into open marriage, pot smoker, 2x divorced, fired a lot, etc.

My therapist said, there is probably a lot more you DON'T know and may never know. This type of behaviour doesn't just pop up out of no where, you don't go from normal happy guy to Ashley Madison without other stuff inbetween. She described him as being in a deep black hole.

If this is about boundaries, and his behavior getting progessively worse over time, what are the things that probably happen inbetween.

Does anyone have insight, or know, what their WS also may have done besides affairs as part of their journey to the bottom of the black hole??


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 446 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me. I let go of some morals, some self respect, flirting increased, drinking increased....all of it was gradual and progressively got worse.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2811 | Registered: Oct 2012
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He drank. He was also always questioning why God didn't bless him. I was always incredulous when he would say this. Our DSs (my DSSs) are healthy, athletic, smart, and pretty damned awesome. We had (I still have ) a gorgeous home with a breathtaking view, good jobs, his health, (me not so good health until I got him out of my life for good) everything. But, we didn't drive around in Mercedes Benz SUVs, we didn't have a mansion, our DSSs weren't on football scholarships and well on their way to playing professional football. Nothing was ever enough. That is how he sank deeper and deeper into that black hole. He just wasn't satisfied with anything.
Something inside of him was empty (Mommy abandonment FOO issues and stuff). Instead of working on himself, he punked out like a little cowardly pathetic B. Meh, it is what it is!
I'm finding more and more, that the BS are the strong ones!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Flourgirl
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was blind sided. I found out about the affair. Than our MC talked about shame based behavior. He had hidden a lot from me. He had fellen off the wagon. He was addicted to porn, he was a compulsive liar. The porn was his downfall. It put lust in his heart. It took months for him to come clean about all of this. He doled the pain slowly the TT was excruciating and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it starts years before the idea of it A ever surfaces. I believe a lot of it has to do with very poor or nonexistent coping skills.

In the beginning, my exWH seemed to be a great husband. He was responsible, paid attention to me, helped me around the house, etc. He always laughed and smiled.

As time went on, I think he began to resent me for certain decisions that I believed we made together. He seemed to flip it around in his head to think that I was controlling and made him do certain things. I remember us having discussions and coming to mutual decisions, but he apparently saw it differently.

As he became more and more disillusioned and as life got more real - getting older means having kids, more responsibilities, parents getting sick or dying, etc. - he started to regress. Instead of being happy, he became stoic. Instead of talking to me, he withdrew from me. Instead of being present in the house as a husband and a father, he left me to do all the work while he went out drinking. As the drinking escalated, so did his reckless use of money and gambling. Then along came the slunt who treated him like he was the king of her world and the rest is history.

I quickly became the controlling, frigid shrew of a wife who never let him be a man and who yanked him around by his nuts day and night. I had no idea what the hell had happened, but I realized after a while that he flung himself down that rabbit hole and there was no way he could dig himself out. He didn't have the coping skills to prevent the A. There is no way he could develop the skills to fight for his family.

Now, he's in way too deep to make any changes. The slunt is bat shit crazy and has pretty much made sure the bloom is off that rose. He's still got no real adult coping skills so I believe he's staying with her because it's too difficult to make another change and to have to admit that she was the biggest mistake he ever made.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2909 | Registered: Jan 2011
Scubachick
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

18 years ago, When we first got married I was the dysfunctional one. I looked up to my husband so much. He seemed so strong, confident, focused. Nothing seem to shake him. He was always fixing me and my problems and he was happy to do it. His business had really taken off and we made a lot of money really fast. It was never enough though...he always wanted more so he would work even harder.While he's working all the time, I start therapy and spend the next 10 years working on my issues. He fought it every step of the way. As I got better, he got worse. This is the point I noticed his FOO issues. He's at his best when I'm in a crisis. He needs me to need him. He started to get jealous and we both started to resent each other. He just buried himself into his business which had begun to slow down and I just kept myself busy trying new things and taking care of our son. We grew apart and I disconnected. And then BOOM...He accidentally sends his texts to my ipad and my life has been turned upside ever since. I look at him now and I think to myself why didn't I see how broken he was? Why didn't I see that he was falling part? He's a shell of his former self. I didn't see it because I wasn't looking. And I wonder even if I had noticed, would it have changed the outcome? Probably not. It took something this big to get him to look at himself, to admit he needs help and to start therapy. So I know how we ended up in this black hole, I just don't know if we can climb out of it together yet.

Posts: 853 | Registered: Jul 2013
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, we didn't drive around in Mercedes Benz SUVs, we didn't have a mansion, our DSSs weren't on football scholarships and well on their way to playing professional football. Nothing was ever enough. That is how he sank deeper and deeper into that black hole. He just wasn't satisfied with anything.

These stand out to me as well. The fact that NOTHING was ever enough.

As time went on, I think he began to resent me for certain decisions that I believed we made together. He seemed to flip it around in his head to think that I was controlling and made him do certain things. I remember us having discussions and coming to mutual decisions, but he apparently saw it differently.

This too. He happily let me run the family bills and decisions. In fact I can remember a few times handing over the the bills to him and asking him to take them over, please do them and he did it for like 3-4 weeks and then stopped and I had to take it over or we would be late. He would then say that "I never let him do them "his way" so he would just give up". Which is bullshit of course. But I feel it coming on again, this feeling that he thinks I am "controlling him some how and resenting me for his unhappiness.

I don't know why this is, truly. But our life and what we have never seems to make him happy.

[This message edited by realitybites at 8:08 AM, February 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 5705 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
alifeforesaken
♀ 41139
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"The fact that NOTHING was ever enough."

This resonates. I think this plays a big role with my WH. I think it is directly tied to FOO issues and I'm hoping that IC helps. I'm sure there are many other factors, but I bet this is one of them.

I just hope one day, and soon, he get honest with himself. I feel like I'm learning so much more about myself at lightning speed and he has barely learned anything. At this point, maybe just that he was wrong, he hurt me and was stupid enough to get caught. I keep hoping he sees the rope to get out of that hole.


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
Realizationland
♀ 42413
Member # 42413
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suckstobeme, Realitybites, and Alifeforsaken,
I, too, can relate.

So much has been blamed on me. He told me once that "everything in his life was shit." I said, "You mean me, too?" He was silent.

We made decisions that I thought were mutual. I've run those conversations over and over in my head, and, nope, we both decided. Together.

He's just trying to make me seem like the bad guy so that he can justify what he's done.

We've got a great house, great jobs, he has a new car...and it's never enough.

It's crazy-making is what it is.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Together 17 years, married 14

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2014
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to everyone on here. My WS says the other chick needs him......

Welp, he lost me there.....


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Realizationland
♀ 42413
Member # 42413
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as what WH has done, I think it's a toxic combination rather than one incident.

He's insecure. So, he's allowed himself to be drawn to people who inflate his ego: interns, students, new employees, that kind of thing.

He indulges in crushes. Not just having the crush -- that's almost understandable. "We ain't dead yet!" But it's the little acts that I think did it. Feel a little crush, then make sure to walk by her desk to catch her eye, friend her on Facebook, start making cute comments, make sure you're at the same place she is at the same time, casually ask if she wants to join you for lunch...it all starts to add up.

On top of it he has FOO issues that are keeping him from feeling he deserves the good things he has, so he keeps looking for something better.

We've had talks before about his self-fulfilling prophecies. "My relationships don't work out anyway, so I should start looking for the next one." He honestly just doesn't get it that the whole reason his relationships haven't worked out is because he keeps looking for the next one!

Someone on here has a great quote as their signature, and I'm sorry I can't find it now to give credit. It says "Trees fall in the direction they lean -- be careful which way you lean." This feels so true to me. It's those little actions that add up, those little leans toward unsafe situations.

That thousand-mile journey really is about the small step I take today. And when that step is in the wrong direction...well, we end up on SI.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Together 17 years, married 14

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the insecurity mentioned by Realizationland is the key in my exWBF's case. That was the deep black hole inside him that made cheating the only coping mechanism to try and fill it. And lack of empathy, obsession with power...lots of narcissistic traits that come side by side with the insecurity.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Realizationland
♀ 42413
Member # 42413
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Narcissism -- exactly. I actually gasped out loud the first time I read a definition of narcissistic personality disorder. It's a steamroller of a combination: intense insecurity, an obsessive need to be admired, and an unshakeable belief that no one and nothing is good enough. And they can be charming as the devil.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Together 17 years, married 14

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2014
yestopants
♀ 41631
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of this rings true for me as well. It's unsettling that it is so common and the WS actions/behaviour is so similar. Sometimes this knocks them out of this but for others the hole gets deeper. My WH has become a chronic pot smoker and also drinks quite a bit. Pot used to be a very random casual thing. Over the last year it has progressively gotten worse. It started just gradually becoming part of his everyday to the point where he was stepping outside to do "something". I've been told it is now a constant plus drinking. There is no reality, if there is I bet it short lived. Not the man I married. I am sure there is so much more....and I am sure he will keep searching for that unattainable happiness.


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 286 | Registered: Dec 2013
huskers
♀ 42168
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh it's like I wrote these posts myself! I'm in a month and I heard I was too controlling. Wth? He traveled for work.... Who else is going to pay bills, take kids to sports, and take care of everything? Which ironically enabled him to do his whore

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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