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behindhazeleyes posted 2/9/2014 19:34 PM

Okay, I've posted on here twice so far, and for my third post, I'm going to stop pretending to be so strong.

I'm not.

I'm devastated. Why is it that my husband went to the OW? How am I insufficient?

He's remorseful - we're in MC, and trying to work toward R... but I'm just such a mess.

Today is the first day (it's been a week now) that I've let myself FEEL. I've been asleep most of the day, and when I'm awake I'm bawling my eyes out. I just blew up and screamed and yelled at him for an hour and I still feel crushed.

I feel ugly. I feel insignificant. I feel unworthy. I don't like being so hopeless, but this is the person I committed my life to! What do you do in this situation? How do you make it all stop?

These feelings are suffocating me.

lieshurt posted 2/9/2014 19:40 PM

How am I insufficient?

You aren't hun. He is. He is the one who is lacking and he is the one who needs to fix himself. You didn't cause this so don't blame yourself.

Sending you big hugs (((bhe)))

behindhazeleyes posted 2/9/2014 19:41 PM

I know it can't help that I'm a blubbering mess, though. I can't stop crying. :(

Uhtred posted 2/9/2014 19:43 PM

I'm not going to sit here and pretend to be strong but I will sit here and tell you that it had nothing to do with anything you are lacking. I'm just now learning that myself.

I have to tell myself this everyday. Sometimes I believe it and sometimes I don't but I'm not going to stop telling myself. It is your time to cry and mourn. My wife is also remorseful and we are going to counseling but it still doesn't stop that deep gaping wound from hurting. I don't have much else to offer because like you I am devastated but I want you to know it's not you it's him.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/9/2014 19:51 PM

You are not insufficient! HE IS! I don't consider myself that good with words, but PLEASE read this post by movingforward13:

It helped me tremendously! You didn't do anything wrong!

You are strong, and you will make it through this!

behindhazeleyes posted 2/9/2014 19:52 PM

I don't know what I would do without SI... it's embarrassing to admit how many hours I've spent reading the forums and the Healing Library.

I'm thankful for your support. Hoping we'll all find peace someday.

forwardfromhere posted 2/9/2014 20:04 PM

You are way more than sufficient.

1. WS is the one who cheated.
2. WS lacked the character to speak the scary truth.
3. WS justified and lied to stay in a comfy spot instead of growing a pair and moving out.

4. YOU my dear are the one who stayed faithful.
5. YOU are the one who has the character to examine yourself.
6. YOU are the one who didn't set clothes on fire in the yard while driving away from the trainwreck of humanity that is betrayal at this level.
7. YOU are still breathing and learning, even though it feels like you're crawling across broken glass in slow motion.
8. YOU are communicating with your fellow humans, remaining open to connection even though someone took horrible advantage of your connection.

YOU are worth more than you can see right now. In your response to pain exist all the points of value any human could ask for.

StuckinNJagain posted 2/9/2014 20:06 PM

It is not you as all have stated. You are not the one to blame at all. Is is the WS. PLease read and read as much of the library as you can. I have lived on this site for the last 2 weeks and it has helped soo much. I am doing the 180 and had a big test tonight as WS came to me to apologize and accept full responsibility. Because of all the great support and information I was able to stand my ground and lay out MY terms for any possibility of R (which I explained may or may not happen). It all depends on how "I" feel after healing the wounds that have been inflicted on me. YOUR wounds must be healed first and foremost. Stay strong, post and read as much as possible.

BrokenMomof2 posted 2/9/2014 21:29 PM

I know those feelings all to well, so does everyone else here. Just keep remembering you are not alone.

He is the one who is messed up, not you. The marriage is 50/50. The affair is 100% on him.

Let yourself keep feeling whatever you are feeling,take it 1 minute at a time. I still have moments of feeling inadequate. Its get better, hard to believe that, the first month after learning of the A was the longest of my life, never thought it would get better, but it does.

SadInNC posted 2/9/2014 21:39 PM

I know it can't help that I'm a blubbering mess, though. I can't stop crying. :(

I am 2 months in and I still have some bad days of wanting to stay in bed all day and cry. I just started on an antidepressant 3 days ago. It does get better, but if you need the meds, there is no shame in taking them to help you cope. You are only 1 week in, so of course you are going to be crying a lot. Your WH needs to see how badly he has broken your heart, anyway.

We are all here for you.

norabird posted 2/10/2014 09:38 AM

Don't be ashamed of being 'weak'. You can be strong and still feel deeply hurt and break down sometimes. It's all about giving yourself permission to be human, feeling the feelings, and brushing yourself off afterwards. The one thing you can't allow is to have your self-worth infected, which WILL make you weak. Being in pain is compatible with strength, but blaming yourself and making his actions about you is not.

Whatever you do, self-love should guide you. It can guide you when you cry, and it can guide you when you stand up for yourself, and it can keep you from internalizing what he has done into meaning you have failed. Send yourself as much self-love as you can muster up, and then create more. Let yourself swim in it as much as is possible.

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