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cheating and Foo

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LovesLaboursLost posted 2/9/2014 21:51 PM

My mom was the OW in a LTA. The affair was on and off for most of my childhood. I got the impression that his wife was cold, controlling and only interested in appearances; that as long as she wasn't publicly humiliated she didn't care what went on. I used to wonder why he didn't just divorce her if he was so unhappy. Then he and my mom could be happy together. And not in a snarky way, I truly wondered. I was a kid. It seemed simple.
Eventually SHE divorced HIM (guess she had enough of his shit). And he and my mom embarked on a nearly twenty year relationship of epic fucked-up-ness. For one thing, he was a raging alcoholic. For another, he was a vet with untreated PTSD. And oh yeah...he started cheating on my mom, once she was THE woman. The "other woman" position was vacant, see.
I have a good relationship with my mom. In so many ways she is a wonderful, kind person. She busted her ass to raise my sister and me to be decent human beings and to have a stable life. We always knew we were loved, and that we could count on her for anything. She is the only grandparent that my kids really know (my dad doesn't care, FIL is dead, and MIL lives far away).
But...she was an OW. She justified this to herself.
She didn't have a dad...I mean, she did, but he was a waste of space. He was a violent drunk who cheated on my grandma and ran off with his stripper whore when my mom was in middle school. He pretty much abandoned her emotionally. I met him once, and I was twelve when he died. He just didn't care.
My dad is much the same. He wasn't as mean to me but he really isn't interested in me or my life. And I also thought affairs were no big deal. I'm thinking there is something here; both in what I saw growing up and the dad thing. I've noticed that a lot of women who become OWs have dad issues.
Finally, remorseful former OW/WW's have my utmost respect but the unremorseful ones, the ones who keep headbutting the same brick walls and scream at anyone who suggests they stop, make me so angry. Like, blood boiling rage angry. I'm ruminating on this, but maybe a fresh eye?


rekindle posted 2/9/2014 22:53 PM

I've noticed that a lot of women who become OWs have dad issues.

I think its women who have dad issues that end up having relationship issues derived from some sort of craving for male attention. Speaking from experience, and observing others. Not sure of the deeper "why" behind it though.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/10/2014 01:51 AM

My mum had an A, it was an exit A. I don't know how long it went on for but the OM is now my step dad, they've been together for about twenty years in a very healthy relationship.

I had a tumultuous relationship with my dad, it was violent at times. I was also in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with a boyfriend during my teenage years. These two, along with other things, lead me to firmly believe I was worthless, unlovable.

I've not looked at these things in relation to my A yet but I'm sure they're important.

HUFI-PUFI posted 2/10/2014 07:36 AM

As far as I know, there is no history of cheating on either side of the family going back a few generations. My parents were married almost 50 before my dads passing, my grandparents celebrated their 65th anniversary. Not a single whisper about cheating as far as I can tell. I think our FOO set good examples of marriages.

And yet....

From a family of six, my oldest brother and sister are divorced and I am not positive if cheating was a factor in either case but knowing my brother and BIL, I would not doubt that it was the case. I'm almost sure my twin brother cheated on his first common law relationship, positive that he cheated on his second wife and for sure, he cheated on his third one. My younger sister ended up having a PA on the man who she had a EA with when she was married. My younger brothers wife cheated on him. And of course, I'm guilty of my own EA.

On LFs side of the family, I'm only aware of one older brother who had an affair, in fact, it could be a case of RA too. Not sure about the other 3 siblings. Her parents were also married 50 years with no hint of cheating.

So, if FOO issues are an predetermination indicator, then I feel sorry for my children.


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