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Can't stand him

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Jesss posted 2/10/2014 00:18 AM

We are separated but living together due to finances and also his stubbornness. And usually I can be civil and we still act like "friends". But now I finally started the 180. I know it's to help me, but it's helping him and making me miserable and angry.
Anybody else in this situation?
How do you not let him get to you? He just goes on living like nothing happened, like everything in his life is fine, like he has no regrets or made no mistakes.... How do you fuck up your family and act like that??? I feel like punching some feelings into him. I get so angry, I can't sleep, eat or even enjoy anything... How do I stop feeling like this? I'm so mad at him. And I'm trapped in this house with him. It's going to drive me insane.

Toodevoted posted 2/10/2014 00:55 AM

I can't give you any advice Jesss other than to try and ignore what he's doing and carry on doing the 180 and stay out of his way as much as possible. All of which I'm sure you've tried to do. It could be that he's going around all happy because he sees you are and his pride won't let you think anything other than he's happy too and not bothered about you.

Sorry that you're in such a horrible situation and I hope that someone comes along to help ((Jesss))

sisoon posted 2/10/2014 11:36 AM

The 180 isn't easy. Do you have support in real life - IC, pastor, very good friend(s)?

norabird posted 2/10/2014 11:41 AM

Is there a friend you can stay with for now? Or does that complicate the house issue if you D.

In-house 180 is hard in my understanding so his stubbornness alone need not keep you there if you think outside the box.

Sorry you're struggling. Anyone would under these conditions! (((hugs)))

Jesss posted 2/10/2014 11:45 AM

Toodevoted, thank you for the responce. I guess I just gotta try harder to ignore him.

Sisoon, nope I have no in person support in real life. My family and close friends don't live in the same city.

cancuncrushed posted 2/10/2014 11:51 AM

It could be that he is really enjoying himself. Or he could be also mirroring your attitude. I think really happy, would be a bit fake. SOunds alot like mind games. Strained marriages are a hot bed of emotions. Both people, trying, not trying, faking. We dont know how to do these things. Its a mess. But convincing yourself hes very happy and your nothing, isnt exactly correct either. EVen the 180 puts forth an image that isnt quite true. You are working on disconnect, but you act much stronger then you feel. Its hard work. Hes capable of doing the 180, too.
For me, I would have to decide nothing is solid or real. Everyone is acting on emotions. And just keep one step in front of the other. However, any OW is crossing the boundaries of respect and a complete no. Not sure if thats an issue here.

simplydevastated posted 2/10/2014 12:05 PM

I could have written your post. I know exactly how you feel.

He just goes on living like nothing happened, like everything in his life is fine, like he has no regrets or made no mistakes.... How do you fuck up your family and act like that???

My husband is the same why. On top of this, he also plays the victim role.

I also feel that this is driving me insane.

I wish I had something better to add, I really do. I just know what you're going through.

Sending you strength and (((hugs)))

Jesss posted 2/10/2014 17:07 PM

Norabird, sorry didn't see your message before. Unless I move to a different city with our children, there is no where else I can stay... He does work out if town in the spring, so Im just waiting for that.

Cancuncrush, I'm sure he is playing mind games to drive me crazy and make me miserable and it's working.

Simplydevasted, thank you. Hugs to you too. Hope things start get better for both of us soon. :(

steadfast1973 posted 2/10/2014 17:11 PM

Move to the different city. He is abusive. I'm serious. My family is in another state... (500 miles away) and if my WH was as unremorseful and cruel as yours, I'd be there now. And he could have everything but my kids, my car, and my cameras.

simplydevastated posted 2/11/2014 10:49 AM

Simplydevasted, thank you. Hugs to you too. Hope things start get better for both of us soon. :(

You're welcome. I hope so, too.

BAB61 posted 2/11/2014 11:53 AM

I can't stand him either!! Just supporting you in your antipathy! Seriously I am so sorry you have no IRL support. Is there a shelter for abused women in your area? I'm not suggesting you go there per se, but they may have resources and options for you to utilize. Infidelity is a form of abuse imho, and if there are resources available, you should use them.

Are you a member of a church or other group that is service oriented? If not there are some that will help, membership is not required.


Ellejay posted 2/11/2014 12:22 PM

I have a feeling that this is what my ex H would have been like if we had tried to reconcile. I can just picture him now, cracking jokes on the phone to business associates in front of me, making insensitive remarks, breezing around the house like a game-show host, telling everyone that he is "always good" (his catchphrase), while I slowly turned to dust inside. I would have ended up in a psychiatric facility.

You are going to have to get some decent IC immediately so you can stay strong with the 180. It is essential you remain several steps ahead of him as far as strategic thinking goes. He sounds as if he has narcissistic tendencies if he can carry on like that having devastated his family. Narcissistic people have no concept of what other people are feeling, thinking or could potentially do because they are simply not interested in the lives of other people. While most of the time this behavior is infuriating and hurtful, there is an upside. Because he is so focused on himself and busy flitting around just getting on with things as normal, you can put your energies into remaining 3 steps ahead of him. He is so up himself he won't know or appreciate what your capable of.

Get your ducks in order legally speaking, continue to get counseling (with or without him)and keep moving straight ahead. He will be humming a different tune once you've gathered the resources to get out of there and he will be the only one who is even remotely surprised.


Unagie posted 2/11/2014 12:32 PM

In house separation can be hell. I have no solid advice as I am living it right now. Just know my thoughts are with you.

Smokehouse posted 2/11/2014 12:41 PM

I like your theory of punching some feelings into him. It may not work but, wouldn't it feel great if you actually could!!! But, to be real about the situation you are in, it is terrible to be treated like that. No man with an ounce of remorse would treat the woman he promised to love, honor and cherish like that. He is a jerk! You deserve to be treated with respect, even if he isn't remorseful, he should understand the pain and devastation he has wrought upon you and your family.

Keep up the 180 for YOU! Let it be for you and you alone. From what you have described, he isn't going to be any part of a support system for you to help you heal. You must seek that out on your own through IC.

It pains me when I read on here that the WS is not remorseful. It is beyond comprehension and says so much about their character as a person. Clearly he is not the man you thought he was! Think in those terms and IMHO, he should be looked on as pathetic and miserable in his thinking and life. You are the one that is in the right, you were wronged!

I wish nothing but the best for you and your path to recovery.

Jesss posted 2/12/2014 12:42 PM

Thank you all.

[This message edited by Jesss at 7:59 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

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