"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

griefandrelief posted 2/10/2014 02:41 AM

My stbxh and I had a text conversation at length tonight about how his leaving has negatively affected our DDs. They are screaming and hitting one another almost every night. I know it is a reaction to feeling abandoned.

I explained how he needed to talk with and rebuild relationships with DDs and that he couldn't just expect them to fit into his new situation. That he needs to think about his own place and creating a space just for them. That he couldn't have or foster closeness at IHOP or McDonalds or at a movie.

I asked if we could make a pact to put our girls first in all things and to remain a family, no matter what, with mutual love and respect. He said no pact. He said to DD15 that he loves and misses all three of when she saw him last night, but when I asked tonight he wouldn't answer. He only said he loves the girls.

So, that leaves me alone yet again. Stbxh doing revisionist history on the good in our past and me trying to encourage him to get his own place and not live with OW.

suckstobeme posted 2/10/2014 07:27 AM

Just like you couldn't make him be a good husband, there is no way to force him to be a good father. To me, this was the most upsetting and long lasting pain of all, that the man who chose to have these children with me could so quickly turn his back and treat them like they matter only when it's convenient for him. It breaks my heart when they still, three years later, get confused and angry about his choice to leave. This obviously breaks your heart too.

But, it's completely out of your control so it's a waste of time and energy to try to convince him otherwise. It's like a switch is flipped and nothing you say or do will serve to flip it back. He has to want to be a good dad. Part of that means he will have to face them and answer for his actions. Most people are completely incapable of that as the children are their emotional mirrors.

Get your girls into counseling to give them the tools to cope with his abandonment. Give them a safe place to discuss their feelings. As far as their relationship with him, that's on him. You want with all your might to protect from the pain of who their father is, but you can't. This is their reality. Just be there for them, love them, support them, and help walk me through the storm. Leave him out of it.

movingforward13 posted 2/10/2014 10:51 AM

Honestly honey, you need to stop talking to him.
No amount of begging, rationalizing, pleading, guilting is going to push him away from his other woman. If anything, that is pushing him and her closer. They are bonding over your pain. You are their common enemy. You begging is "affair fuel" for them.

Trust me, when you go NC, file for divorce, SEEK TEMPORARY CHILD SUPPORT and stop answering his calls, texts, email about anything not child related.... It help the waywards see what they are about to lose.

YOU CAN NOT COMPETE WITH NEW LOVE.
She is shiny, fresh and new. Everything about her is "perfect". He can not see the flaws until he realizes you are gone. You need to "disappear" and let him face reality with his new toy.
I am willing to bet that if you gave them 6 months of no drama, no contact, no issues- he will come back when he realizes he doesn't want to be a father to four kids that aren't his.

No contact except for kids and bills. No more initiating talks to him unless you really have to. No more responding unless it is about kids, finances. No more pleading, begging, or rationalizing. He is in "love", nothing you say makes sense to him and is only pushing him to his affair partner more.

TheClimb posted 2/10/2014 10:55 AM

^^^ this^^^

I know it's hard, but truly this is the only shot you have.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 10:56 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

griefandrelief posted 2/10/2014 12:52 PM

Thanks, Moving and Climb. You are right. I commit to NC right now. I know that I come across as desperate, or what he told me I was in our first year of marriage during a big fight - "pathetic", when I ask for his feelings.

I know this is true. I also know that I am not a villian in this story - that I am the hero because I am the one that will be better for the struggle, even if it hurts today. I am not a victim, either. I can choose to make this better for myself and for my girls. It is just sometimes it is hard to face the reality of 20 years just gone.

Thank you for being a subtle 2X4 for me to snap out of it. I have filed for divorce, and temporary custody orders say he owes me almost $900 per month, with the first installment due the 15th. The house is nearly ready to put on the market, and I have started trying to figure out what I want to do. I don't need to be the hanger-on, the relationship fuel. I just have to be the person I am and find happiness for myself and support happiness for my girls. NC. For real this time. NC.

I don't know what I'd do without you all here. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

griefandrelief posted 2/12/2014 21:04 PM

I am sticking with NC. He has texted me twice and I have not responded. I will respond to one eventually as it is about settlement, but I am going to wait until I am ready and not work on his timeline. I have to go out of town most of next week so I won't be available then, either. Darn it!

I had session #2 with IC and both girls are meeting with the therapist tomorrow for intakes. She really helped me reframe some negative thoughts I had - like when WH told me he felt he was "in the right place now" about not being in the family home and I took it to mean that where I am is obviously the wrong place - but she suggested it might mean that he was where he felt he deserved to be.

Funny thing to share. DD15 asked her dad about the OW's kids and were they loud, and did they run around and curse a lot and he said that did. He said he was stressed out when he had to be alone with them. Then DD asked if they were actually pretty much white trash and he agreed. Why would a sane person do that to himself?? So, maybe he isn't sane...

I am only weeping two or three times a day now - down from two or three times when I wasn't weeping a couple of weeks ago. You all are right about time, though. And NC and IC and 180. This will not define me!

movingforward13 posted 2/12/2014 22:29 PM

Hugs honey.

Someone told me when I had my DDay, "don't try to figure out crazy." I didn't understand what they meant but now that I can reflect on my situation, I can understand.

Your husband's choices make no sense. Don't try to figure out why he would make nonsense decisions. You can't reason with crazy.
You are doing great with the NC and keep up with the counseling. Hours will turn into days, will turn into weeks, will turn into months... And each day you will get stronger as the shock wears off.