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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Why Have An Affair, If You're Trying To Work Things Out?
UneasyFeelings
♂ 42292
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can some WS and others with experience answer this for me? I guess it's one of my "why" question that my WW doesn't have an answer to. I dont know if i'll ever get a true answer.


Anyways, you dont know about any affair. But your WS tells you, we should go out separate ways, out of the blue. You're shocked, hurt, and confused by this.

You ask what's wrong, they complain about things, but ultimately, they felt "neglected" and unloved. Even though this is not true, but from their perception, it is.

So you tell your WS you can work on the issues and make things work.

Both parties agree.

So what's the point of still seeing the OP? How does the WS make things work with their spouse, if they keep sabotaging the rebuilding of the relationship?

What's the point of even staying with the spouse? Why even try to make it work with the spouse?

I told her, she's using the monkey branch theory. Holding onto one, until she's sure of the next branch. Also grass is greener on the other side.

She did admit, she believes it's because she believed the grass is greener. So she was seeing what's over there.

But that brings me up to my original question. What's the point of trying to it work with the spouse, if you continue to cheat?

How can you even make it work like that?

I'm starting to get angry again.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2014
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't expect an honest answer or a cohesive answer from your WW now. Mine did the same thing.

On V-day, she talked about Divorce and how she would still take care of me. Now knowing she had an affair for 2 years I don't trust that crap at all.

Too me, it's a backup plan but I hate to tell you. Coming from experience as a porn addict. It's just a cheap lie to make them feel good for trying even though they are deeply and subconsciously sabotaging the Marriage.

They said we will work on it, then pay attention to the other details.
1. How they treat you
2. The lies
3. The change in character
4. Starting arguments
5. Blaming

They are just an addict who built up a fantasy world and will do anything to keep that high/fantasy going. When the party is over, then reality hits. They lost the drug of choice, and you are to blame for their use, but you didn't give them the drug. They went and found it.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the point of trying to it work with the spouse, if you continue to cheat?
How can you even make it work like that?
The point wasn't to work it out. The point was to shut down the BS. WS aren't do not exactly have good coping skills otherwise they wouldn't be having an A to begin with.
The advice given on SI before has been to turn down the volume and watch the screen. In other words forget what they said. What are they doing? Continuing to cheat says R was never the goal despite what was said. At least that is what those actions would say to me.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Jovie
♀ 41956
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she didn't believe it would get any better.
Maybe she wanted to keep her options open.
Maybe she has trouble saying no and doesn't have the courage to end it (apparently she had trouble ending things with you as well since you were able to talk her back into staying and working things out...)


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 217 | Registered: Jan 2014
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she didn't believe it would get any better.
Maybe she wanted to keep her options open.
Maybe she has trouble saying no and doesn't have the courage to end it (apparently she had trouble ending things with you as well since you were able to talk her back into staying and working things out...)

None of those show commitment to R.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ask what's wrong, they complain about things, but ultimately, they felt "neglected" and unloved. Even though this is not true, but from their perception, it is.
So you tell your WS you can work on the issues and make things work.

The problem with your logic is that your WS was not telling the truth. YOU were never the problem. The issues were made up in her head to make up some flimsy justification for having the A in the first place. In reality, there is NO excuse, good or bad, to have an A.
So you are basically left spinning your wheels to "fix" the problem that was never really a problem. Oh, I'm sure it was something that may have slightly aggravated her, but that is just a part of life.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Jovie
♀ 41956
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



None of those show commitment to R.

I wasn't trying to imply that you can still be committed to R with these issues, just trying to point out what may be going through her head.

In my personal experience, my BS would say over and over that he wanted to work on our (pre-A) issues, we spent years in MC, but nothing ever changed. It wasn't until the A was discovered that our pre-A issues started to become addressed.

Even though this is not true, but from their perception, it is.

This indicates that Uneasy may not be truly addressing any possible M issues.

Everyone's situation is obviously different, I'm just trying to relate it to my experience to show a different perspective.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 217 | Registered: Jan 2014
struggling16
♀ 33202
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your confusion. I was there. We agreed to "work" on the M. This commitment was made when he started the A. Apparently, to him, "work" meant that he could do whatever he wanted. I wasn't to rock the boat or question him (if I did I was screamed and sworn at). I was to be his exercise companion, sex partner, cook, hostess and housekeeper. During that time I kept wondering what "work" he was actually doing.

In retrospect, it was all about manipulating me and exploiting me so he could feel good about himself. I really had nothing to do with it. It was "cake-eating" in action. We really didn't "work" on the marriage until Dday and he had to face the reality of the mess he created.


Posts: 733 | Registered: Aug 2011
doggiediva
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Struggling16 hit the nail on the head for my WH and I..My WH considered me as somebody to exploit while he got to do what he wanted..When D-day came, Me and the marriage got blamed.. I was told that I wasn't enough for my WH so he felt entitled to cheat..
Our 30+ year marriage which was difficult more often than not was not worth me taking the risk to work on post A..
WH's A added an extra layer hurt to an already crappy marriage..
So IMHO the A is a WS's way of saying that working on things is ALL ABOUT ME..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2011
stunnedin12
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If someone is having and affair, or breaks no contact, they are not trying to work things out. They just aren't.

It doesn't work that way.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure

Posts: 519 | Registered: Jan 2013
huskers
♀ 42168
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I feel like I could have written a lot of this. One month ago I made him leave because he couldn't answer yes to my question of can he be faithful. Since then a roller coaster. He would meet me for dinner and try to talk about things...now I can see the new phone bill and see he was texting and calling her before during and after our talks. Of course he blames me for a lot, at the same time trying to R. Well we are far from R now, if ever. Why waste my time energy and hope when he's still with her? It's about manipulation and exploiting us to make themselves feel better. I hope they laughed themselves silly over what I said and he divulged to her, because it will never happen again.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are just an addict who built up a fantasy world and will do anything to keep that high/fantasy going. When the party is over, then reality hits. They lost the drug of choice, and you are to blame for their use, but you didn't give them the drug. They went and found it.

THIS!!!


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the point of trying to it work with the spouse, if you continue to cheat?

If you find out, let me know! My WW said the same things: not happy, you neglected me, never been happy with you, never should have married you, etc....

We had our first MC session on July 12. She was at his house that night until after 1:00AM. I didn't find out about the A until August, or the trips to his house until November.

We tried two separate counselors. She stopped going to both of them because they both told her what she was doing was wrong. One called her an adulteress to her face.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
UneasyFeelings
♂ 42292
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I guess the good thing I have going on right now is, my WW appears to regret what she's done to us. She appears to be honest, for the most part to me.

It feels like she really does want me, and only me.

But I'm also afraid of it being a honeymoon period for her. We had an emotional low and then high afterwards.

A little over 3 weeks, almost 4, since DDday.

But, this is a woman that was lying to me for over a month. Who knows.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This happened to me. We started counseling one month into his A, and DDay was a month after that.

Two words: "Safety Net"

We can only hope that after DDay the WS's work is in earnest and truth and transparency are handed over.


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jduff
♂ 41988
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I guess the good thing I have going on right now is, my WW appears to regret what she's done to us.

Sounds good, but just remember that to effectively R she needs to show remorse, or she won't truly understand the full impact of the damage she had caused.

I think Jrazz pretty much underlines the reason as "Safety Net".


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 657 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
jagged
♂ 32317
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly, brother, I'm sorry for all of this - and sorry you're here.

It's all rationalization, pure and simple.

My WXW is continuously re-authoring our 20 years together, with the intent being to prove to her friends, family and herself that she did shitty, selfish and hurtful things - willfully, systematically, and by her deliberate choice - because she "obviously wasn't happy".

Not long ago, cleaning out a guest room closet in my (formerly our) house, I found a box full of cards and letters and love notes she'd given me over those 20 years - things I'd sentimentally saved because they were so undeniably sweet, full of love, and heartfelt, all professing her eternal love, BFF-ship, and contentment. If I still gave even a remote shit about her fabricated justifications, I might call these "Exhibit A". Instead, I summarily pitched them.

My point is that what your WW was telling you is pure fiction, a script cobbled together to make her appear and feel less like the piece of shit we're all programmed to feel like we are when we intentionally and willfully deceive and hurt someone we love (psychopaths are, be definition, excluded). Moreover - and this is important to recognize - it's a mechanism to allow her to continue her behavior . Even after D-Day #1, my WXW was "confused"..."not sure if she could be a good wife"...a whole litany of phrases that supposedly described this terrible ambivalence inside her about our marriage that LED to the affair, and wouldn't seem to go away.

I'm not suggesting she didn't have ambivalence. Hell, we all have it at times in relationships. But as a complete moral coward, she allowed herself to fabricate an excuse for an A.

Someone posted their "perspective" that perhaps your WW "didn't think it would get any better". Perhaps so - and that's rough. Adults, caring partners with even a semblance of moral obligation act on this feeling in a responsible way - they EITHER WORK TO FIX THEIR MARRIAGE BEFORE THEY START FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE, OR THEY END THEIR MARRIAGES AND GO FUCK OTHER PEOPLE.

Nobody - no person or force in the universe forces anyone to make the choice to cheat. It's a one-person show. And aside from thinking they won't get caught, WS's make that choice knowing it will hurt and often break someone they profess to love.

Not surprisingly, they're generally shitty at ever owning their choices, and they'll continue to rationalize.


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ws did this. He told me we didn't even have a M anymore news to me. We were working on getting it back, so I thought. He was already in the A or one step away..I think it was just a,way to justify it plus make me feel responsible and have me bending over backwards to fix it. After all, he had a wife at home trying to make him feel wanted and loved plus ow doing the same.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5277 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
tearingaway
♂ 28618
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was the situation for the mOM that my WW bonked. My WW and I were not having any marital problems that I could tell, but the mOM and his BS were.

When I confronted him, he said, "My wife and I were having problems with our marriage," as some kind of justification for the A. I asked him why he thought that fucking my wife was going to help his marriage. He just sat there, looked at me, and apologized.

At the end of the day, there is no point to trying to work it out with your spouse if you are cheating anyway. People who do these kinds of things aren't interested in working on the M. This is about broken people being selfish and hurting others in the process. There is no rhyme or reason for it, other than getting their rocks off, filling a hole in their soul, being greedy, or just being broken.


Posts: 357 | Registered: May 2010
UneasyFeelings
♂ 42292
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, either I'm a "lucky" one, or I'm a damn fool. I haven't quite figured that one out yet.

What she does have going on. She confessed when I questioned her about it the 2nd time. Affair lasted a little over a month.

She came to me, after I left with 100% intention of a divorce.

We're going through the hysterical bonding at the moment, no doubt about it, lol.

She even "cooked" a Valentines dinner for us tonight.

She'll hold onto me tight and tell me she loves me very much and doesn't let go.

Again, either I'm a sucker or fool, but I'm starting to believe her.

But I'm afraid of being wrong, or right.

She's scheduling a referral for IC next week. So it feels like she's making steps now to improve herself.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 22
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