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They tell me I shouldn't have informed the Other Betrayed Spouse

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AmberDust posted 2/10/2014 08:46 AM

My IC thinks the OBS should not be informed. Why ruffle the feathers, and break up a happy family ?
I did it because I felt it was the right thing to inform a betrayed spouse. I did not try to break up a happy family by telling. But since the OW had tried to break up my family more than once, I felt no guilt in telling, either.

I contacted another IC and what do you know, she also thinks OBS is best kept in the dark.

Can you please provide me with some kick-a.. reasons the OBS should be informed ?

jjct posted 2/10/2014 08:51 AM

You did the right thing.
Many of our members were informed by the other BS.
The act of infidelity ruffles feathers & causes damage, not outing it. Sheesh...some IC's

LostSamurai posted 2/10/2014 08:54 AM

You did the right thing. I told wish I told OBS in the beginning when the affair first came to light.

Now I have to suffer for a 2 LTA that got physical.

SandAway posted 2/10/2014 08:55 AM

Because she has a right to know the truth about her WH.

I agree with jj, you didn't ruffle feathers, HE did.

Good for you for doing the right thing.

Time for a new IC if this is her view...

Chefj9 posted 2/10/2014 08:57 AM

You did the right thing. I don't believe that you take any responsibility for "damaging" another family. The AP and the WS did that when they decided to cheat.

Your IC is wrong.

Tred posted 2/10/2014 08:57 AM

I'm confused on how you can "break up a happy family" - you aren't the one fucking someone else's spouse. They broke up their own family - you just let the other BS know the truth of his existence and allowed him to know that his wife was betraying him. Consequences of that knowledge are all on the cheater. That's why the phrase "I never thought you'd find out" is so common - cheaters rely on enablers.

Bobbi_sue posted 2/10/2014 08:57 AM

How is telling someone the truth which they deserve to know, to protect themselves from diseases, to make decisions whether to have more children, whether to buy a home with someone, whether to stay married... how is that "breaking up a happy family?

Either get a new IC or stop going to IC if you can't find one who has a clue. I truly think that many counselors do more harm than good.

bionicgal posted 2/10/2014 08:58 AM

I think therapists have to say that, as they don't know the other couple and the person could be violent, unstable, etc. Their focus is on you, and your healing.

But, my feeling is that you are more protected if the other BS knows. In our case, the OW would have just been pining on forever, or at least a very long time, and I think that the OBS knowing was a little bit of a regulator on her behavior. She had to face the reality of what she had done. So, unless the OBS is unstable (which is questionable in our case, but he is a nice guy), then I think they need to know.

Affairs need big, bright lights shone on them to help burst the bubble.

metamorphisis posted 2/10/2014 08:58 AM

Why ruffle the feathers, and break up a happy family ?

What's happy about a family where one parent is cheating, lying, and dishonouring their spouse? What's happy about deceit and disrespect and exposing your partner to disease?

While I believe that telling should be done with care, and as much kindness as possible, I will never believe in the "Shoot the Messenger" attitude.

Exposing is a personal decision but it is not the cause of destruction. It's merely shining light on the untruths and dishonourable actions of others.

sadtoo posted 2/10/2014 08:59 AM

1) exposure to STD's
2) possibility of an OC
3) marital funds being spent on affair
4) embarrassment if the last to know
5) robbed of the ability to make sound decisions in own marriage
6) cervical cancer
7) life being in danger if OP is a nut case or bunny boiler
8) most people don't like being married to a cheater

atsenaotie posted 2/10/2014 08:59 AM


Wouldn't you want to know the truth, as awful as it is, rather than to live in ignorance that your WS was involved with another person? What if after you later discover the A you learned that the other BS could have told you months earlier and ended the A?

It is a very effective tool at helping to maintain NC between WS and AP when there is another BS helping to keep an eye on things.

lovedmesomehim posted 2/10/2014 09:00 AM


Am I understanding this correctly?

The OW attempted to break up your family more than once?

And your IC said, "Why ruffle feathers?

"Why break up a happy family?"

"The other BS is best kept in the dark?"

Give your IC this website.

LAFA posted 2/10/2014 09:04 AM

That's an IC that needs firing, you deserve one that understands infidelity, and values integrity. Advising you to keep someone in the dark when their life could be in danger is beyond reprehensible.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/10/2014 09:05 AM

To me there is nothing worse than living a lie. It is not authentic. That was one of the worst aspects of my FWH's betrayal, of trying to integrate my reality into what was really the reality. Realizing that I was living a lie for so many years is just so sad and such a waste of my life.

The feeling of stupidity and foolishness was overwhelming, that other people knew, and either thought I was stupid or pitied me. Humiliating.

You don't need a kick ass reason for telling the OBS. It is the kind thing to let someone know what is going on behind their back. To let them stop being made a "fool" of. (I don't feel BS's are fools, but I bet that is an overriding feeling for most of us.) It is fair and just to let someone in on the secret that involves four people, but only three know of.

The best reason is the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

I believe that IC's and MC's don't want us to tell the OBS's because it can cause more drama for their clients. Their job is to focus on the well being of their clients. They don't give an eff about the OBS, the OBS isn't paying them.

overandone posted 2/10/2014 09:12 AM

It's simple.....The other BS has a right to know who they're living with, and has a right to make future life decisions based on that.

dindy posted 2/10/2014 09:20 AM

Your actions did not break up the OBS' marriage, the WS' did.

I informed the OBS as I didn't want to be part of ex's and OW's dirty secret.

I wish someone had have informed me.

You did the right thing.

somanyyears posted 2/10/2014 09:24 AM

.. I'd venture to say that your IC has no personal experience with infidelity and betrayal.. spouse deserves to be "kept in the dark" ..

..look for another IC.. maybe one that's been cheated on in the past!


itainteasy posted 2/10/2014 09:36 AM

I am echoing everyone else's reasons why you should tell.

The moment the WSes decide to cheat, THEY are the ones bringing in the consequences of those actions. You never know how the truth will find its way out. One BS tells the other, the WS confesses on their own, someone sees the WSes out with their APs and tells the never know how the truth will come out.

I wish people would stop saying that telling the other BS will "break up their happy family". There is no happy family where there is an affair.

Even if the BS has no idea what is happening and believes him/herself to be happy. It is a lie.

Always tell the truth. Always.

BAB61 posted 2/10/2014 09:47 AM

I would want to know.... I would tell the BS. Both OW that I know about are D, I think my STBX was afraid of getting caught by a jealous BH. I did tell the one slunt on her fb that I knew about her rendezvous with STBX and that now she only had her BF to cheat on. She promptly blocked me, I didn't tell the BF because he was after the last known rendezvous.

veronique12 posted 2/10/2014 09:55 AM

You absolutely did the right thing.

I sent a note to the AP's estranged H letting him know about the A. We were friends, not really that close but still he knew me and my H, had hung out with us a few times. Come to find out that he had really strong suspicions about my H and his WS long before I did. He never shared them with me bc he was afraid he'd come off as bitter about their separation and that I would think he was bad mouthing his WS, who was a "supposed" friend of mine. Gosh, how I WISH he would have shared that suspicion with me. What you did was an act of mercy, IMO.

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