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Just me, or does everyone seem down lately? Let's share a +

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bionicgal posted 2/10/2014 08:51 AM

The weather is blah (in the US), and this winter seems like it will never end up here in the frigid Midwest.

So, let's try to drum up a little positivity in Recon land, today. What is the biggest victory you have had in the progress of healing, lately?

For us: Mr. Bionicgal and I went on a XC ski 2 weekends ago, where neither of our egos got in the way. It was a bright, sunny day, and we just enjoyed being out there together. A lot of things came together to make it happen, but it made me see that while the A drove a truck into our marriage, that we are actually growing and getting better because of it. I am so proud of who were are becoming.

That, and our MC told us this week that we have the best rapport of any couple he can think of in recent memory, and that part of the reason we struggle so much with conflict it that we just haven't had that much of it.

Ok, I am done -- now, toot your own horn. It is good for you!

overandone posted 2/10/2014 09:07 AM

(TMI?)I was just debating whether to start another thread when I saw yours.

After a rough evening Sat night, I finally got him to read 'Not just friends'. So he decided to read it from cover to cover on Sunday. I left him to it, realised he'd finished and was in the shower so I took the dog out for a long walk as I didn't want to confront him about it, wanted to give him a bit of space. He caught up with me on the walk, and voluntarily started talking about some of the book, and how it had opened his eyes to some of the things I'd been saying for a while.

Late that evening after a load of wine and some tears from me, but no venting, just talking and some good communication he finally told me about childhood bullying from his brother. He'd mentioned it before, but never expanded on it. And he told me for the first time that his brother had sexually abused him - by pinning him down and masturbating on him.

Although an awful thing for him to talk about, I felt it was a tremendous breakthrough in his communication with me, he's bottled up so many things in the past. So a difficult but really cathartic evening for us both, followed by some really emotional bonding later...

bionicgal posted 2/10/2014 09:10 AM

O&D,
Sorry to hear about your H's experience, but isn't it so true that opening up and being vulnerable is the pathway to better intimacy? Glad to hear it brought you guys closer to talk, and way to go Mr. O & D on reading NJF!!

rachelc posted 2/10/2014 09:10 AM

trust has grown exponentially the last month. Three things happened that cause me to check and nothing was going on.

we went to a place Saturday night with friends that has been a huge trigger for me. I have seen OW2 there and he was there with OW 1 once and I did ok... we enjoyed ourselves.

overandone posted 2/10/2014 09:19 AM

So true bionicgal. But the strange thing is, after a friend's daughter was abused years ago by a neighbour and I helped her through it, I told her that I'd been sexually abused by my brother - very painful admission. Went straight home and told my H for the first time. He was very sympathetic but never mentioned his own experience. Guess he wasn't ready to open up then?

Anyway, slightly off topic! Sorry for t/j!

alifeforesaken posted 2/10/2014 09:20 AM

I don't have anything earth shattering to share, but besides my WH slightly more understanding/empathetic reactions towards me lately, he has actually brought up the A and talked about it without me doing so. Which is huge, I usually have to pull things out of him and he has done it in the effort to open up. May not be delightful conversation, but it's a huge step from just weeks ago. All the other little steps in R'ing are slowly happening, just waiting for a few big ones to fall into the mix.

overandone posted 2/10/2014 09:22 AM

Great isn't it rachelc when you find some fears are unfounded? And so glad you could reclaim your own space Saturday night.

JanaGreen posted 2/10/2014 09:25 AM

Oh gosh overandone, how awful. I'm glad he told you about it, though.

Well, for us, even though we're dealing with some fairly stressful things (miscarriage, trying to get into our new house by the end of the month, money issues, etc.), we've been handling it well and talking about things without fighting. We talked about some things last night that I think would have caused a big blow-up between us in the past and we were both open about our feelings and it was a completely calm conversation. I feel a little beaten down by life at the moment but this time our marriage is a source of comfort, not stress.

Kyrie posted 2/10/2014 09:36 AM

All you have to do is read my last couple of posts to see that we have made some significant progress in the last month. We've taken charge of a lot of things that were causing some underlying anxiety. My H's response? He is continuing to come to terms with the mess he's caused. It surprises me sometimes, because he'll show such tremendous remorse just about the time I think I've seen it all. This is the image that comes to me regularly these days: R is like surgically reattaching nerves that have been severed. It's painful, laborious, delicate, scary and takes a tremendous amount of patience and time. But we are both recovering feelings we thought were no longer there and it's like we're coming back to life.

But I have to say, one of the biggest positives I've experienced in recent days has been the unbelievably kind, generous and wise support I've received at SI. Yes, there's a lot of bad out there in the world, but so many of you, who are perfect strangers to me, are choosing to reach out and help a hurting soul. That is both humbling and redemptive. It inspires me to want to do the same.

Morhurt posted 2/10/2014 10:03 AM

I'm starting to feel safe. I no longer wish for my old marriage (though I do still wish it had been what it could have been!). I feel loved. I feel special. I always knew I loved communicating but I used to think it was sign of weekness, now I know it's not and we do it all the time. :) I used to dread sex but now I love making love. I'm still married to my best friend and he's much better at actually being my friend now.

bionicgal posted 2/10/2014 10:16 AM

Oh wow, these are making me feel great! Glad to hear of our successes. . .

Kyrie, you asked me a question on another thread recently that I haven't gotten back to, but I will! I've just been really busy. Glad to hear you feel supported; I feel the same.

reallysad2012 posted 2/10/2014 12:06 PM

We went out to lunch and the movies while the kids were in school last week. It was his idea. It was nice because we did a lot of meeting for lunch right after Dday but had slowed down on it and I was worried we would fall back into old habits of not making time for each other.

SpotlessMind posted 2/10/2014 12:14 PM

Thanks for starting this thread, BG!

Hubby and I have been managing arguments so much better! We've finally been able to disagree without having a knock-down, damaging fight that leaves us both licking our wounds for days after. This is a post-A thing that popped up, and was probably the biggest threat to our R. I will knock on wood (*knocks*) that reading Gottman and IC will continue to help us going forward.

Side note--BG, I feel like hubby and I have great rapport too. We are both goofy and a little left-of-center, and that really seems to make us click and enjoy each other's company. We are also both conflict avoiders, so I hear you on the difficulties with managing conflict.

MrsDoubtfire posted 2/10/2014 12:23 PM

Nothing to add personally but wanted to say thanks for adding a positive thread.

I love hearing when things are going well for people and I think it gives the newbies something to strive towards and it also offers hope.

A nice thread.

AML04 posted 2/10/2014 12:26 PM

Not sure why it came up but last week while having dinner H said he has never loved me more or has been more attracted to me than he is now. The way he said it, I truly believed it and it brought tears to my eyes.

gettingthere2013 posted 2/10/2014 12:37 PM

My first thoughts when confronted with triggers aren't always painful ones now. Sometimes,lately,my emotional response is "I am safe from that hurt". I think that's the beginning of trust.

JustShine posted 2/10/2014 12:55 PM

Love this thread. Thanks, bg.

Mine is a small + today, but it's something. Yesterday and today have been super angry days for me, and although WH has handled everything really really well, I know he's getting exhausted from it. And when he got to work today, after a truly difficult weekend of hateful crap coming out of my mouth, there was an email from AP. What did he do? He forwarded it to me immediately, called me to let me know, deleted it from his account, and blocked her.

Good job, H.

[This message edited by Zengirl at 12:56 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

StillStanding1 posted 2/10/2014 13:04 PM

This is awesome. Glad to hear some positives.

My H and I have really turned the corner in recent weeks. I was a little nervous coming up to my antiversary. This past weekend, we had to co-host an annual event that we also did last year -- the night before Dday. I thought I would be triggery all weekend.

And here I am. Antiversary day and I AM FINE. I feel good. We had a wonderful weekend. He asked me on Thursday what he could do to help me through the weekend. We had awesome talks for hours this weekend. All good. No triggers. No panic attacks. A little sadness and regret. I can accept that.

Yesterday we went for a 5.5 mile run together in 15 degree weather. Neither of us would have believed we would be doing that together a year ago. We are healing. We enjoy each other's company, communicate better, and don't take each other for granted. It's been a hellish year, but I actually finally believe that we truly are headed to a better future together.

So happy to read some of the comments above. Really good stuff. Healing IS possible!!!!

Sammy2013 posted 2/10/2014 13:17 PM

Ok. Last time I posted a positive, it blew up in my face. But here goes. Warning - it starts negative.....

He moved out Saturday. Got an apartment up the road. We are still in IC and MC. I am fighting severe depression. Saturday I finally hit rock bottom. Puddle on the floor. My MIL called and it was the best thing that could have happened. She talked me up (because u couldn't go an further down).

I went to a movie by myself Saturday night and then went to a new church I had wanted to try in Sunday. I highly enjoyed it. WH finally gave me what I needed today. Remorse AND regret for his actions. Up to this point it has been "I'm sorry, but I can't change the past, just move forward." It felt empty and he admitted it was him bein angry at himself.

It is lonely without him here, but much less volatile. It's easier to just not respond to a text than avoid a physical being. This separation is needed. We are going on a date in Friday. We are easier around each other. I want to have hope, but I know right now I need to get myself out back together.

The depression has lifted. It didn't hurt to get out of bed this morning. I have a plan and list of things I am to do (head straight to gym after dropping kids off at school so I can't go home and go back to bed). I am calming down a bit and taking it one day at a time.

I'm looking at this as a +.

bionicgal posted 2/10/2014 14:56 PM

AML - that made me tear up!! Good for you guys!

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